I have not improved much in anything else, the last 2 years since I quit Brocade.
I have improved my mental state ofcourse, but have not picked any new skill. I hardly read.
I have not attended any cookery classes. I have not pursued music or theatre or scriptwriting. I have not done any class on economics or history. So, I have not picked any new skill. I have blogged, sometimes, which helps me track what is happening.
I am spending tons of time in the kitchen. I have improved a lot there. I observe the way a tomato cooks. I observe a lot of things nowadays. My efforts have paid off.
I try to make it to the gym and most of the times I do manage. I need to ensure that I am not all worked up by 5 PM. I need a little rest to hit the gym. Some days due to an incessant downpour of guests or extra cooking or mood offs, I do skip the gym. But, I have been better. I am gymming since Jan. This is the longest spell of physical exercise I have endured. Every time it stops after 2 months. This time I am serious. It shows.
Regarding my mental state, I have done a lot of introspection. I sit silently and meditate on myself. I have definitely become more patient. I am more empathetic with people now. I am learning to accept people who are far too different than me. I learn to ignore certain irritating habits or comments or talks of others. I try to keep the house and balconies clean. I spend a lot of time cleaning veggies and cooking them. Everyday I pick up one part of the house to clean - balconies, kitchen, bedrooms, bathroom, hall. Atleast 3 days a week I need to wash clothes (in the machine), dry and fold them. One or two days a week I buy veggies and groceries. I go for dry cleaning, pressing clothes, buying medicines - frequently. I have doctor visits, tests, gifts to buy, social visits, art and cultural programs - infrequently. I clear the dry trash couple of times in a month. I try to use up what's left in the fridge, in the most efficient way that I can. Every morning I clean the kitchen a bit, boil milk for my tea and plan for breakfast. I clean and dry all milk covers. I segregate dry waste. After breakfast, around 11 or so, I laze around. I then start lunch. I get free by 2:30. Sometimes I watch Grey's anatomy. Else I watch something for 30 mins, catch a 20-30 mins nap and start something. I make tea at 4:30 - 5:30. Then ready my gym bag and leave. My days have been hectic and seem filled with unproductive, mundane, repetitive tasks. I struggle to do things efficiently and in a timely manner. I wish we didn't need to eat 3 times a day. Feeding the stomach and cleaning the house take up a lot of time. At this pace, I cannot go to any office work. I need to improve.
I have not improved on time management. I am still lazy. I do things slowly at my own pace without a care for deadlines. It hasn't helped. I don't eat clean nowadays. My whole balance goes for a toss when I have guests. I cannot eat late. I cannot stay awake beyond certain time. My body reacts violently. I can see the stress all over. All this stress for such a little thing as having guests. I guess unknowingly I realized this early on and hence stopped socializing in Bangalore. It's a lot of effort to plan a lunch/ dinner party - no matter how small. You need to carefully plan a menu keeping the guests tastes and lifestyle in mind. It's very difficult entertaining certain people. I lose my cool the moment this category of people says they're coming home for lunch or dinner. You need to get ALL the ingredients for the menu. You need to run through the recipe and pick which style you'll cook. Then, you need to think which dishes can be made ahead and which need last minute preparation. How to reheat? How to serve? Setting the table, arranging cutlery, clearing the counter top, clearing dirty dishes, dealing with leftovers and then the next day, cleaning all the cutlery, drying and storing the back. You think it's a breeze. But to me, it's not. All this planning and hard work, sometimes sucks the joy of socializing. Maybe that's why many people socialize at restaurants. Even many traditional families are now seen at restaurants on weekends. It's nice to give women a break. But, for someone trying to cut costs, it's very difficult to eat out. Also for someone like me, who likes exquisite items, keeping a budget for socializing becomes hard. Housework is a very under rated activity. Sometimes it feels a total waste of time. You are neither earning money nor improving as a person. The same work piles up always. You have to wash the dishes each day. You need to clean the bathroom every week. Things keep getting dirty. You need to repeatedly clean them. Sometimes its exhausting. Sometimes its gratifying to see your spanky clean house. The more housework I do, the more I generate. I am forever stuck in the kitchen or I'm cleaning. I hate to outsource all the work. I want to learn to efficiently run most of the things and be left with enough time to do my other work. I hope I succeed one day.
I dread having a baby for this reason too. There is endless work. You're overworked and tired always for quite some time. You get irritated and yell at your kid. You curse yourself for having a baby. You crave sleep and good,peaceful dinners. You crave 'ME' time. You cannot step out when you want. It takes 2 hours to prepare to leave the house with a toddler. You need to be watchful always. Kids are finding new ways to fall and hurt themselves. It's ok to fall but what if it's a dangerous fall? You need to prepare their food on time whether you yourself are fed or rested or not. You need to give good answers to the "why this, why that" - endless questions. You need to trick them into eating. You may end up spending 2 hrs on each meal. You may have to find innovative ways to entertain your kids - at home, on a plane, in a train. Once they go to school, you need to plan for their breakfast, lunch/ snacks, their school uniforms, shoes, their homework. You need to do their activities - drawing, models, etc. You need to buy that fancy dress costume. You need to take them to extra curricular activity. You need to accompany them to practise sessions at school. You need to handle competition and jealousy. You need to socialize with other parents. You may have to deal with kids who are more talented than yours. You may have a cranky kid who makes life even difficult. You may have a kid who does not conform to social norms of 'accepted looks'. You may have a sensitive child. You may have a child with some disability. You may have a kid who loves junk food. You may have a kid who doesn't socialize. You may have a temperamental kid. You may have a very unruly kid. Worst of all, you may have a kid who doesn't care or love you back. That - of all - would hurt me very badly. If my kid ends up loving someone else more than me, I'd be hurt too.
I don't know how I will handle all this or even "Do I want to handle all this?". I will be hurt if my kid turns out mediocre or uncaring. I fear how it will adjust in this cruel world. I fear for many such things, which may or may not happen. I wonder how other people manage kids so beautifully. There are times or days when I have been bored to entertain some kids for even a minute more. I feel angry when they do not laugh at my entertainment. I feel irritated when they don't eat when they have to. So many time I have judged others kids or formed opinions. This kid is not dressed properly, this kid is not kept cleanly, this kid does not know manners, this kid acts too smart, this kid is not bright - he may find it difficult in the competitive world, this kid will look odd in an international school, why doesn't this kid show interest in reading? Why doesn't this kid obey rules? So many times I have judged the kids or the parents. I have noticed that I am partial towards some kids - for some reason. I am also pretty empathetic with people and kids. I do spend a lot of time trying to understand them and why they are doing what they are doing, but that does not stop me from making certain observations or passing some comments - which may be beneath a person of my character.
How does one bring up a kid? If you adopt a kid and you bring up your own kid - can you see similar results in both? What is the role of genetics here? If I bring up the kid of an illiterate slumdweller can I make an elite person out of him or her? Will you always be able to bring about changes in kids, with effort? What should we do to bring up a kid? It's a tough job, probably the toughest job, since the outcome is so totally out of control. You're dealing with a totally different human being here. They have a mind of their own. They are full blown adults in tiny sizes. Should I even teach anything to my kid? Who am I to teach him anything? Will I corrupt them by teaching them? So many questions on parenting.
Sadhguru has some fantastic blogs about parenting.
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/lifestyle/relationships/are-you-ready-to-become-a-parent/
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/lifestyle/relationships/10-tips-on-good-parenting/
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/lifestyle/relationships/what-is-the-best-kind-of-parenting/
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/sadhguru/spot/is-your-child-normal/
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/lifestyle/relationships/love-your-kids-liberate-them/
At this point, I need to reminisce about my childhood. I don't think I had a happy childhood. My house always had fights. I always wanted love but I felt I never got it. No one concentrated on my feelings or talents. I was pretty lonely. Many of my wishes, small - big - went unfulfilled or even unheard. I was silenced when I opened my mouth. I was never encouraged to pick new skills. My parents are not so well read, so I was not exposed to reading. When I saw some of my friends and their relationships with their parents, I felt envious. When some parents used to host good parties for us, I used to cringe why parents never did the same. I always hesitated to bring friends home. We had a small home. It was not decorated. We never had good snacks. I was never fond of my mom's cooking. She cooked very few dishes well. She was fond of cleaning, not cooking. They ensured that they dump me with clothes I never liked. I could never dress up. Any dressing was too much dressing. I never had friends. I had 2 people, but we were not close. I had 2 good friends in class 11 -12. Nithya and Ponsakthi. We were candy friends. We were all innocent. We used to walk to the bus stop, eating heart shaped water melon candies. We never discussed boys much. We never dressed up or bunked school or went to movies. We never had pocket money in those days. I had a bike. I loved my bike and I would ride very fast. My mami used to gift me good books - encyclopaedias. I used to read nancy drew and hardy boys. I had read a little of Dickens then. I dreaded vacations. My father would do hectic plans. Running started from home to railway station. We never had good hotels. I used to envy people staying in good hotels. We did get good food - cheap and best, as dad always told. I remember being silent mostly. We never had conversations at home. Maybe just fights. My mom was still dealing with my dad and his family. My dad was pretty immature and short tempered. I hated when he'd bash me up. Once I ran away to my grandma's house. I swore to never come back. I kind of hated my parents, I guess. Somehow, I don't remember much about my childhood or my brother. What kind of relation I had with him. I remember this one day when we made a tent and I dressed him as a girl. My uncle used to get fresh bun butter jam for me. I lovd bread and jam and it was very rare to have it at home. Once I took it to school and someone stole my lunch box. My teacher bought me a banana that day. There was a boy and his sister who used to bully me at school and drink my lime juice. My dad's friend - a teacher with bald hair once got me into dancing at the school. I loved that. I did like to do stage performances then, but I was too scared. I did score well in school somehow. I had a natural talent for mugging. I had a photographic memory. I could reproduce all the steps of a math problem that I have once seen. That is solely how I passed my exams. I never understood physics or any subject. I was marginally interested and good in history, geography, english and tamil. I still don't know english grammar correctly though I maybe using the right grammar. I have forgotten every single thing I learnt in school or college because it was rote learning. I had a tendency to react badly if scolded. I felt doomed if I did not come first. I could not handle failure, yet many teachers loved me. I used to help others. From class 9 or 10, I was mentoring 2 of my classmates. I went to their houses to teach but none of them were long lasting friends. I was dejected when I scored badly in my 12th entrance and did not fetch any seat in Tamil Nadu. I hated my college life. I ended up having unfaithful friends. None helped me when I needed but used me to the maximum. I kept my rooms very unclean, a fact which irritated Jhanno the most that she vowed to stop talking to me unless I clean my room. I hated the mess food. What is this oily parantha thing? I watched all the nude women on benches, with horror. I had bad seniors. I was immature to understand them. I struggled to understand what was going on in class. I dreaded all classes and would almost die in every practical class. Engineering drawing, physics, mechanics, electronics - all were my worst enemies I dreaded exams. I somehow scraped through. Somewhere I did good in DS. Some people considered me intelligent. I scored well in English and in management studies. My teacher did appreciate me and I felt proud. I did nothing for my project practicals. Having that non working super computer with a lazy teacher helped me. I never knew to operate a computer. I feared the comp sc lab. Prad and Ashok were always there.
Once, Smrita heard me debating something and came to my room. She became my friend. Last year, when we had a party, some people in my class got to know about me. I got 2 friends.. I always had Nandu and Muthu as friends. We had gone to civil lines church and eaten peanuts. We had many pics together. I never had any romantic feelings for anyone. I did look up to Prad coz he was a genious. But once he started talking to me, I no longer felt that thing. We even landed together at Hughes.
I seemed to be partial to Ashok. I'd wait for his calls, though he'd not call much. I used to like spending time with him and GV. But never felt the same response. So college passed without me knowing teenage life, crushes, femininity etc...Maybe it was good. I did not have any heartbreaks atleast.
The proudest moment was when I got through CTS. It was supposedly a tough question paper. I solved it like a breeze. So many people who were preparing from GRE, failed to clear it. I did.. So did Monica and Aditi. I was zero prepared for an interview. I did poor, but I was selected. So, just like that, without knowing anything abt CS, I got a job.. a good one to say the least... The boring work and my father - together seen me scurrying to Gurgaon. Hughes.. can someone imagine - me at Hughes - the company of that time? In league with the great P P? To make things worse, I even went to US, within a few months of joining Hughes. An opportunity all my room mates envied...and I kept going and kept going.. and kept eating cheese pizza and bringing tons of chocolate. I met Ruchi, Gari, Smita, Priyanka, Omeesh, Pargat, Vimal, Rajesh Krishnan, Vandana there. Once I stayed with Geetha. I struggled to save money, but I did save well....So life continued... one company to another... one city to another.. one house to another....one set of friends to another.... one set of favourite restaurants to another set....and once I landed in the cancer hospital.
We built a house.. bought cars... I made Ciel Pur.. it's something I should be proud of, even though it did not click. I worked hard for it. We lost our jobs.. we were bankrupt. We had to sell our car..we had to shift to a new city.. I hated Bangalore. I found a high paying job. I went to US again.. I took my parents also this time. I went to Vegas...
Then I tried IVF - twice.. I quit job. I learnt yoga.. I gym now.. I started reading about spirituality more. I have done nothing great in the last 2 years. What have I done to deserve this break? I don't know.
I have started liking a peaceful, less hectic life. I love the villager like life I am leading in a bustling city like Bangalore. It keeps me sane. My legs don't ache when I go to sleep. I don't have a never ending to-do list always. I am not running late to work always. I choose to not step out of my door many days. I have my own private island. I feel safe and happy here. I don't like the chaos of the outer world. I don't like the risk of meeting unpleasant people on the road. I don't like the pressure that deadlines create. I seem to like this lazy life. Sometimes I feel, I could carry on like this forever if spouse earned enough. Sometimes I have the curiosity to see how I'll manage my house with a job, whether the learnings of these 2 years will serve to lessen my mental state if I join a job.
I have improved my mental state ofcourse, but have not picked any new skill. I hardly read.
I have not attended any cookery classes. I have not pursued music or theatre or scriptwriting. I have not done any class on economics or history. So, I have not picked any new skill. I have blogged, sometimes, which helps me track what is happening.
I am spending tons of time in the kitchen. I have improved a lot there. I observe the way a tomato cooks. I observe a lot of things nowadays. My efforts have paid off.
I try to make it to the gym and most of the times I do manage. I need to ensure that I am not all worked up by 5 PM. I need a little rest to hit the gym. Some days due to an incessant downpour of guests or extra cooking or mood offs, I do skip the gym. But, I have been better. I am gymming since Jan. This is the longest spell of physical exercise I have endured. Every time it stops after 2 months. This time I am serious. It shows.
Regarding my mental state, I have done a lot of introspection. I sit silently and meditate on myself. I have definitely become more patient. I am more empathetic with people now. I am learning to accept people who are far too different than me. I learn to ignore certain irritating habits or comments or talks of others. I try to keep the house and balconies clean. I spend a lot of time cleaning veggies and cooking them. Everyday I pick up one part of the house to clean - balconies, kitchen, bedrooms, bathroom, hall. Atleast 3 days a week I need to wash clothes (in the machine), dry and fold them. One or two days a week I buy veggies and groceries. I go for dry cleaning, pressing clothes, buying medicines - frequently. I have doctor visits, tests, gifts to buy, social visits, art and cultural programs - infrequently. I clear the dry trash couple of times in a month. I try to use up what's left in the fridge, in the most efficient way that I can. Every morning I clean the kitchen a bit, boil milk for my tea and plan for breakfast. I clean and dry all milk covers. I segregate dry waste. After breakfast, around 11 or so, I laze around. I then start lunch. I get free by 2:30. Sometimes I watch Grey's anatomy. Else I watch something for 30 mins, catch a 20-30 mins nap and start something. I make tea at 4:30 - 5:30. Then ready my gym bag and leave. My days have been hectic and seem filled with unproductive, mundane, repetitive tasks. I struggle to do things efficiently and in a timely manner. I wish we didn't need to eat 3 times a day. Feeding the stomach and cleaning the house take up a lot of time. At this pace, I cannot go to any office work. I need to improve.
I have not improved on time management. I am still lazy. I do things slowly at my own pace without a care for deadlines. It hasn't helped. I don't eat clean nowadays. My whole balance goes for a toss when I have guests. I cannot eat late. I cannot stay awake beyond certain time. My body reacts violently. I can see the stress all over. All this stress for such a little thing as having guests. I guess unknowingly I realized this early on and hence stopped socializing in Bangalore. It's a lot of effort to plan a lunch/ dinner party - no matter how small. You need to carefully plan a menu keeping the guests tastes and lifestyle in mind. It's very difficult entertaining certain people. I lose my cool the moment this category of people says they're coming home for lunch or dinner. You need to get ALL the ingredients for the menu. You need to run through the recipe and pick which style you'll cook. Then, you need to think which dishes can be made ahead and which need last minute preparation. How to reheat? How to serve? Setting the table, arranging cutlery, clearing the counter top, clearing dirty dishes, dealing with leftovers and then the next day, cleaning all the cutlery, drying and storing the back. You think it's a breeze. But to me, it's not. All this planning and hard work, sometimes sucks the joy of socializing. Maybe that's why many people socialize at restaurants. Even many traditional families are now seen at restaurants on weekends. It's nice to give women a break. But, for someone trying to cut costs, it's very difficult to eat out. Also for someone like me, who likes exquisite items, keeping a budget for socializing becomes hard. Housework is a very under rated activity. Sometimes it feels a total waste of time. You are neither earning money nor improving as a person. The same work piles up always. You have to wash the dishes each day. You need to clean the bathroom every week. Things keep getting dirty. You need to repeatedly clean them. Sometimes its exhausting. Sometimes its gratifying to see your spanky clean house. The more housework I do, the more I generate. I am forever stuck in the kitchen or I'm cleaning. I hate to outsource all the work. I want to learn to efficiently run most of the things and be left with enough time to do my other work. I hope I succeed one day.
I dread having a baby for this reason too. There is endless work. You're overworked and tired always for quite some time. You get irritated and yell at your kid. You curse yourself for having a baby. You crave sleep and good,peaceful dinners. You crave 'ME' time. You cannot step out when you want. It takes 2 hours to prepare to leave the house with a toddler. You need to be watchful always. Kids are finding new ways to fall and hurt themselves. It's ok to fall but what if it's a dangerous fall? You need to prepare their food on time whether you yourself are fed or rested or not. You need to give good answers to the "why this, why that" - endless questions. You need to trick them into eating. You may end up spending 2 hrs on each meal. You may have to find innovative ways to entertain your kids - at home, on a plane, in a train. Once they go to school, you need to plan for their breakfast, lunch/ snacks, their school uniforms, shoes, their homework. You need to do their activities - drawing, models, etc. You need to buy that fancy dress costume. You need to take them to extra curricular activity. You need to accompany them to practise sessions at school. You need to handle competition and jealousy. You need to socialize with other parents. You may have to deal with kids who are more talented than yours. You may have a cranky kid who makes life even difficult. You may have a kid who does not conform to social norms of 'accepted looks'. You may have a sensitive child. You may have a child with some disability. You may have a kid who loves junk food. You may have a kid who doesn't socialize. You may have a temperamental kid. You may have a very unruly kid. Worst of all, you may have a kid who doesn't care or love you back. That - of all - would hurt me very badly. If my kid ends up loving someone else more than me, I'd be hurt too.
I don't know how I will handle all this or even "Do I want to handle all this?". I will be hurt if my kid turns out mediocre or uncaring. I fear how it will adjust in this cruel world. I fear for many such things, which may or may not happen. I wonder how other people manage kids so beautifully. There are times or days when I have been bored to entertain some kids for even a minute more. I feel angry when they do not laugh at my entertainment. I feel irritated when they don't eat when they have to. So many time I have judged others kids or formed opinions. This kid is not dressed properly, this kid is not kept cleanly, this kid does not know manners, this kid acts too smart, this kid is not bright - he may find it difficult in the competitive world, this kid will look odd in an international school, why doesn't this kid show interest in reading? Why doesn't this kid obey rules? So many times I have judged the kids or the parents. I have noticed that I am partial towards some kids - for some reason. I am also pretty empathetic with people and kids. I do spend a lot of time trying to understand them and why they are doing what they are doing, but that does not stop me from making certain observations or passing some comments - which may be beneath a person of my character.
How does one bring up a kid? If you adopt a kid and you bring up your own kid - can you see similar results in both? What is the role of genetics here? If I bring up the kid of an illiterate slumdweller can I make an elite person out of him or her? Will you always be able to bring about changes in kids, with effort? What should we do to bring up a kid? It's a tough job, probably the toughest job, since the outcome is so totally out of control. You're dealing with a totally different human being here. They have a mind of their own. They are full blown adults in tiny sizes. Should I even teach anything to my kid? Who am I to teach him anything? Will I corrupt them by teaching them? So many questions on parenting.
Sadhguru has some fantastic blogs about parenting.
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/lifestyle/relationships/are-you-ready-to-become-a-parent/
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/lifestyle/relationships/10-tips-on-good-parenting/
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/lifestyle/relationships/what-is-the-best-kind-of-parenting/
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/sadhguru/spot/is-your-child-normal/
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/lifestyle/relationships/love-your-kids-liberate-them/
At this point, I need to reminisce about my childhood. I don't think I had a happy childhood. My house always had fights. I always wanted love but I felt I never got it. No one concentrated on my feelings or talents. I was pretty lonely. Many of my wishes, small - big - went unfulfilled or even unheard. I was silenced when I opened my mouth. I was never encouraged to pick new skills. My parents are not so well read, so I was not exposed to reading. When I saw some of my friends and their relationships with their parents, I felt envious. When some parents used to host good parties for us, I used to cringe why parents never did the same. I always hesitated to bring friends home. We had a small home. It was not decorated. We never had good snacks. I was never fond of my mom's cooking. She cooked very few dishes well. She was fond of cleaning, not cooking. They ensured that they dump me with clothes I never liked. I could never dress up. Any dressing was too much dressing. I never had friends. I had 2 people, but we were not close. I had 2 good friends in class 11 -12. Nithya and Ponsakthi. We were candy friends. We were all innocent. We used to walk to the bus stop, eating heart shaped water melon candies. We never discussed boys much. We never dressed up or bunked school or went to movies. We never had pocket money in those days. I had a bike. I loved my bike and I would ride very fast. My mami used to gift me good books - encyclopaedias. I used to read nancy drew and hardy boys. I had read a little of Dickens then. I dreaded vacations. My father would do hectic plans. Running started from home to railway station. We never had good hotels. I used to envy people staying in good hotels. We did get good food - cheap and best, as dad always told. I remember being silent mostly. We never had conversations at home. Maybe just fights. My mom was still dealing with my dad and his family. My dad was pretty immature and short tempered. I hated when he'd bash me up. Once I ran away to my grandma's house. I swore to never come back. I kind of hated my parents, I guess. Somehow, I don't remember much about my childhood or my brother. What kind of relation I had with him. I remember this one day when we made a tent and I dressed him as a girl. My uncle used to get fresh bun butter jam for me. I lovd bread and jam and it was very rare to have it at home. Once I took it to school and someone stole my lunch box. My teacher bought me a banana that day. There was a boy and his sister who used to bully me at school and drink my lime juice. My dad's friend - a teacher with bald hair once got me into dancing at the school. I loved that. I did like to do stage performances then, but I was too scared. I did score well in school somehow. I had a natural talent for mugging. I had a photographic memory. I could reproduce all the steps of a math problem that I have once seen. That is solely how I passed my exams. I never understood physics or any subject. I was marginally interested and good in history, geography, english and tamil. I still don't know english grammar correctly though I maybe using the right grammar. I have forgotten every single thing I learnt in school or college because it was rote learning. I had a tendency to react badly if scolded. I felt doomed if I did not come first. I could not handle failure, yet many teachers loved me. I used to help others. From class 9 or 10, I was mentoring 2 of my classmates. I went to their houses to teach but none of them were long lasting friends. I was dejected when I scored badly in my 12th entrance and did not fetch any seat in Tamil Nadu. I hated my college life. I ended up having unfaithful friends. None helped me when I needed but used me to the maximum. I kept my rooms very unclean, a fact which irritated Jhanno the most that she vowed to stop talking to me unless I clean my room. I hated the mess food. What is this oily parantha thing? I watched all the nude women on benches, with horror. I had bad seniors. I was immature to understand them. I struggled to understand what was going on in class. I dreaded all classes and would almost die in every practical class. Engineering drawing, physics, mechanics, electronics - all were my worst enemies I dreaded exams. I somehow scraped through. Somewhere I did good in DS. Some people considered me intelligent. I scored well in English and in management studies. My teacher did appreciate me and I felt proud. I did nothing for my project practicals. Having that non working super computer with a lazy teacher helped me. I never knew to operate a computer. I feared the comp sc lab. Prad and Ashok were always there.
Once, Smrita heard me debating something and came to my room. She became my friend. Last year, when we had a party, some people in my class got to know about me. I got 2 friends.. I always had Nandu and Muthu as friends. We had gone to civil lines church and eaten peanuts. We had many pics together. I never had any romantic feelings for anyone. I did look up to Prad coz he was a genious. But once he started talking to me, I no longer felt that thing. We even landed together at Hughes.
I seemed to be partial to Ashok. I'd wait for his calls, though he'd not call much. I used to like spending time with him and GV. But never felt the same response. So college passed without me knowing teenage life, crushes, femininity etc...Maybe it was good. I did not have any heartbreaks atleast.
The proudest moment was when I got through CTS. It was supposedly a tough question paper. I solved it like a breeze. So many people who were preparing from GRE, failed to clear it. I did.. So did Monica and Aditi. I was zero prepared for an interview. I did poor, but I was selected. So, just like that, without knowing anything abt CS, I got a job.. a good one to say the least... The boring work and my father - together seen me scurrying to Gurgaon. Hughes.. can someone imagine - me at Hughes - the company of that time? In league with the great P P? To make things worse, I even went to US, within a few months of joining Hughes. An opportunity all my room mates envied...and I kept going and kept going.. and kept eating cheese pizza and bringing tons of chocolate. I met Ruchi, Gari, Smita, Priyanka, Omeesh, Pargat, Vimal, Rajesh Krishnan, Vandana there. Once I stayed with Geetha. I struggled to save money, but I did save well....So life continued... one company to another... one city to another.. one house to another....one set of friends to another.... one set of favourite restaurants to another set....and once I landed in the cancer hospital.
We built a house.. bought cars... I made Ciel Pur.. it's something I should be proud of, even though it did not click. I worked hard for it. We lost our jobs.. we were bankrupt. We had to sell our car..we had to shift to a new city.. I hated Bangalore. I found a high paying job. I went to US again.. I took my parents also this time. I went to Vegas...
Then I tried IVF - twice.. I quit job. I learnt yoga.. I gym now.. I started reading about spirituality more. I have done nothing great in the last 2 years. What have I done to deserve this break? I don't know.
I have started liking a peaceful, less hectic life. I love the villager like life I am leading in a bustling city like Bangalore. It keeps me sane. My legs don't ache when I go to sleep. I don't have a never ending to-do list always. I am not running late to work always. I choose to not step out of my door many days. I have my own private island. I feel safe and happy here. I don't like the chaos of the outer world. I don't like the risk of meeting unpleasant people on the road. I don't like the pressure that deadlines create. I seem to like this lazy life. Sometimes I feel, I could carry on like this forever if spouse earned enough. Sometimes I have the curiosity to see how I'll manage my house with a job, whether the learnings of these 2 years will serve to lessen my mental state if I join a job.
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