My encounter with gods

I am a very god fearing person. I fear all the gods. They paralyze me. Coming from a staunch TamBrahm family I lived in eternal fear that people will find out that my knowledge about gods was zero. I had a tough time remembering the gods, their faces, their core identities, their various avatars, their weapons of mass destruction or construction, their respective mantras, their birth days and whether it's a Shaivite god or a Vaishnavite God or whatever.

To make things worse, a few more new gods from all parts of India were introduced every few months. I could not cope up.

One day I broke down. I thought "Why are all the gods not helping me remember them?". I them became an atheist because that was in vogue and majorly because I wanted to get out of this trauma. If someone asked me about gods and my favourite temples, I simply had to tell them "I'm an atheist.".
Things became very simple.

But then you secretly admire Ganesh-ji because he's so cute. He looks like you.. and he's captured the imagination of so many artists who do everything with Ganesha - from Punjabi ganesha to football ganesha. He's just cute - he and his mouse and his pettu.

Then, things changed in my life. There was a sense of desperation. It was at that point that I was advised by a well meaning person to visit Hanumanji every evening and recite the Hanuman Chalisa every night. I was once caught red handed coming out of the temple. My neighbour stared at me in shock. I confessed to my crime. It was a very low phase - emotionally and financially. I did not see light at the end of the tunnel.

That was the time that I had read about Hanumanji. I was astonished when I read that he also did not believe in his abilities. Someone had to sing Hanuman Chalisa for him to realize his strengths. This was a powerful story for me. All of us can suffer self esteem issues! I was viewing everything from the self esteem issue as that was no 1 priority for me then. My husband was totally ignorant of the fact that I was suffering so much inside. I was driving myself crazy with the constant blaming. He said "You've done some amazing job which most people can't do. Why not be proud of that?".
I never believed him. He's too kind to me. I thought he's trying to just cheer me.

But then, I did know that all my problems were self esteem issues. I did work on it mostly, whole of last year. I openly confessed to people that I had a low self esteem (and most people were shell shocked). I decided to be positive about myself. I patted myself in the back whenever I did something good or smart or efficient or useful. I found that I did have a lot of small good things. Maybe I was in the wrong field with the wrong kind of people, which dented my self esteem beyond repair but I was not bad at all. I worked slowly and I realized that people are not as "great" as I had pictured them to be. Everyone had flaws. Everyone had issues. Everyone had weaknesses which they did not want others to see. Most people hid their flaws. Most people only focus on what they can do well. They totally avoid the things they can't do. Many people didn't even make an effort to change. Many people did not know themselves. I saw people. I then learnt that all of us are bound together by our common fears and insecurities. You need to love your self and have some self worth and then work hard towards your goal. I accepted that I was not that bad. I had problems but so does everyone else.

So, slowly I think things have changed. I have become laidback. My days are quite chaotic and I do not like it. I sometimes don't read a single useful thing in a day. I waste time. I still have not set aims and goals to achieve in 1 year. I don't know what I am going to do, to find a job. All these questions lurk and I am not entirely happy with the way I am taking life.

But at the broad level, things have become positive. I can feel it. There is very less negativity. Even when people pass stinging remarks they do not hurt as much as it used to do. When we feel low about ourself, everything that anyone says will sting us. When we feel good about ourself we are more willing to forgive others for any of their rude remarks. I kind of feel more stable inside nowadays.

Over the last 2 years yoga - theoretical, happened. I learnt about GOD for the first time. The concept of a HINDU god. I read about Hinduism and spirituality. I was shocked. I was taken aback. So, this is the concept of GOD? Aham Brahmasmi. Naan Kadavul. So, I intellectually knew God. I felt redeemed. I felt my guilt of not knowing gods, vanish. I understood that most people, including the most ardent temple goers, did not know the concept of god. Unless they were bhakts, I was wondering how GOD could help them. So, when you place your trust in God, I think what essentially happens is you open doors inside you to your deepest intelligence. You operate from God's perspective. God operates through you - through that opening you made. It's you but you think it's god - some supernatural force. Anyway, as long as it works, good for you.

So, I lost and found GOD. Now, I no longer fear GODs. I want to find my own god within. That experiential realization - or atleast a hint of it, would be the best gift ever.

Words and identities

Part 1:
Words mean more than just words.. words are labels, identities, images, public opinion, stereotypes and more... So when people usually say "Oh, that's a woman" it means - bad driver, bad coder, bad at logic, bad at being to the point, bad at being objective, bad at controlling emotions and all these negative connotations.
Another peculiarly disgusting word is "housewife". It has "come" to mean one thing in India - "A useless person". Who on earth aspires to be useless? I want to know.

All of us casually use these words but because they have come to mean these things, its disgusting. I have seen people getting extremely hurt when these are words are used "on" them. These words (and many more) need rework.
I am writing this on behalf of a lot of people who get frustrated every single day due to these "words" thrown at them, diminishing their self worth because very few "housewives" are given an ego boost. Our jobs, titles, qualifications, salaries, incentives are all just ego boosters... Some people never get ego boosters and they do not know their self worth. So next time, let's be kind and give people an ego boost. Many jobs lack meaning and purpose and don't mean a thing. Having a job just means income. The people who make most of the money are located in Vegas and I am yet to figure out Vegas's contribution to the world. Even Wall Street.. What is Wall Street's contribution to the world? It's quite a fake world out there.
So, let's think what jobs truly mean. Let's stop categorizing the world based on that. I truly apologize to people on whom I have used those disgusting words, in my ignorance.

Part 2:
 It's extremely difficult to express a complex thing in words. I failed last time.
I'm just throwing a few points to ponder. Self worth - fragile ego- social pressure- identification. We cannot sensitize everyone about every issue/ word. Agreed. One needs to have a healthy self esteem - else in today's heavily connected world - every day would be a challenge.
1) The core issue we were talking of is one of self worth and self esteem.
It takes years to build; no book or quote can help. Even if I praise someone to death it will not increase their self worth unless they work on it. But one wrong word and they're doomed.
People with low self esteem drive themselves crazy for having made it to the Princeton doctoral program It gets that bad.

You could be at NASA with low self esteem or at your house with low self esteem and not just words - every possible thing will kill you.I picked the "housewife" case just due to its frequency.
2) Other images of words in "my" community:
a. "artist types" (bad in maths and science and can't earn a living)
b. "fashionable" (only aim in life is to dress). I secretly dread that no one finds out that I know Ellie Saab or Wendell Roddicks.
c. "one who drinks" (wife beater, lies inebriated in the streets )
d. "intelligent person" (one who saves money). - All through my life I so wanted to become that image of an intelligent woman. Have given up.
e. "software engineer" (earns a lot, spends a lot, wears bermuda to weddings, if he can't make it to the US - he's dull.). - I have cried in horror so many times when people ask "Why didn't you shift to the US?".
The iPhone we carry and the cars we drive are all connected to certain social images which we want to be identified with - not because of any intrinsic product value.
3) Earlier days housewife meant smart and efficient home maker. So many people were happy "being" that image. What we want to become is sometimes driven by society's perception of that job - rather than whether we really want to do it If 10 people ask a person "So, you're a XXXX?" then that person doubts whether he's doing the right thing. Self esteem issue but connected to society's poor perception of XXX job.
4) Excessive identification with job is something we can all introspect. So when you retire you really don't have to wear a badge like ex-chief justice of India wherever you go as if you're afraid that people will disrespect you if they didn't know your title. You don't have to wear your Amazon/ Google ID cards to every wedding party like an accessory. The fragile egos of such people is even more intriguing.
Food for thought. Not a debate. Not a sermon.


================================================================
Supporting text:
http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Eckhart-Tolle-on-How-to-Free-Yourself-from-Your-Ego-Armor

Vanity and pride are what most of us tend to think of when we think of ego, but ego is much more than an overinflated sense of self. It can also turn up in feelings of inferiority or self-hatred because ego is any image you have of yourself that gives you a sense of identity—and that identity derives from the things you tell yourself and the things other people have been saying about you that you've decided to accept as truth.

One way to think about ego is as a protective heavy shell, such as the kind some animals have, like a big beetle. This protective shell works like armor to cut you off from other people and the outside world. What I mean by shell is a sense of separation: Here's me and there's the rest of the universe and other people. The ego likes to emphasize the "otherness" of others.

This sense of separation is an intrinsic part of the ego. The ego loves to strengthen itself by complaining—either in thoughts or words—about other people, the situation you find yourself in, something that is happening right now but "shouldn't be," and even about yourself. For example, when you're in a long line at the supermarket, your mind might start complaining how slow the checkout person is, how he should be doing this or doing that, or he failed to do anything at all—including packing the bag of the person ahead of you correctly.

When this happens, the ego has you in its grip. You don't have thoughts; the thoughts have you—and if you want to be free, you have to understand that the voice in your head has created them and irritation and upset you feel is the emotional response to that voice Only in this way can you be present to the truer world around you and see the golden shade in a pound of pears on the scanner, or the delight of a child in line who begs to eat them.The trick, of course, is to work to free ourselves from this armor and from this voice that is dictating reality.

Observe Your Mind
The first foundational step is to become aware of what kind of thoughts you habitually think, especially negative thoughts: irritation, anger, impatience and perhaps even some kind of sadness. You might, for example, complain about yourself, how useless you are. If you start to hear these repetitive thoughts, then you will suddenly realize, "I've been thinking these same thoughts again and again almost every day without really knowing it."

Distinguish Between the Voice of Ego and the Actual Situation
Awareness is the beginning of becoming free of the ego because then you realize that your thoughts—and the negative emotions they produce—are dysfunctional and unnecessary. For example, let's go back to the supermarket line. As you stand waiting, you aren't actually irritated because it's taking a long time to get through to the checkout, which is the situation. You are irritated by what your mind is telling you about the situation—which is that all this waiting is bad and a waste of your time. But you could actually be enjoying that moment if you say, "This is simply what is. There's nothing I can do about it, so why not breathe in deeply and look around and enjoy the world around me?"

Let Go of Limiting Stories
Sometimes the danger is not even pessimistic thought. If, for instance, you have been let go from your job, you might so resist being negative that you say, "It's a great thing that I lost my job!" That kind of willful optimism is not necessary. We hold on to the fairy tale of supposed happiness—that we should be happy. But this keeps you stuck where you are. Instead, try to describe only what is happening, without judgment: I do not have a job. I must look for one.

Bring In Your Awareness
When you see the difference between your voice and the reality of the situation, that's the beginning of awakening. This is often a moment—a flash that sizzles and disappears. Initially you still lose yourself again, and the old thoughts arise, but gradually, you gain awareness, and the dysfunctional thoughts subside. It's a gradual transition, this bringing in of your awareness, because the ego doesn't want to change. It doesn't want to disappear, so it will give you plenty of reasons why you cannot be present.

Lay Down Your Weapons
Your challenge will be to become more aligned internally with the present moment. Fighting with your ego by will just makes it stronger. By declaring war on it, you make an enemy. A simple example: You wake up in the morning, and it's raining and gray, and the mind says, "What a miserable day," and this is not a pleasant thought. You likely feel some emotion: dread, disappointment, unhappiness. You suddenly realize that your judgment of what kind of day it will be is based on a mental habit, an unconscious default. That simple awareness creates space for a new thought to emerge. You can look again out the window without that preconception and just see the sky. It's gray. There's some sunlight filtering through the sky. There are, perhaps, raindrops falling. It's not actually miserable at all. It has a certain beauty. Then suddenly, you're free. You're no longer imposing something on reality, and you're free to enjoy what, previously, you had rejected.

To learn more about the ego, overcoming adversity and creating inner peace and meaning in your life visit EckhartTolleTV.com.

More from Eckhart Tolle

• Watch Oprah's webcasts based on A New Earth
• The beauty of today
• 10 powerful insights to a happier you

—As told to Leigh Newman

Published 10/10/2011

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101 days ago

Aaziah

How To Get Rid of Your Ego
The ego is always on guard against any kind of perceived diminishment. Automatic ego ­repair mechanisms come into effect to restore the mental form of “me.” When someone blames or criticizes me, that to the ego is a diminishment of self, and it will immediately attempt to repair its diminished sense of self through self ­justification, defense, or blaming. Whether the other person is right or wrong is irrelevant to the ego.

It is much more interested in self ­preservation than in the truth. This is the preservation of the psychological form of “me.” Even such a normal thing as shouting something back when another driver calls you “idiot” is an automatic and unconscious ego ­repair mechanism. One of the most common ego­ repair mechanisms is anger, which causes a temporary but huge ego inflation. All repair mechanisms make perfect sense to the ego but are actually dysfunctional. Those that are most extreme in their dysfunction are physical violence ad self­ delusion in the form of grandiose fantasies.

A powerful spiritual practice is consciously to allow the diminishment of ego when it happens without attempting to restore it. I recommend that you experiment with this from time to time. For example, when someone criticizes you, blames you, or calls you names, instead of immediately retaliating or defending yourself – Do Nothing.

Allow the self­ image to remain diminished and become alert to what that feels like deep inside you. For a few seconds, it may feel uncomfortable, as if you had shrunk in size. Then you may sense an inner spaciousness that feels intensely alive. You haven’t been diminished at all. In fact, you have expanded. You may then come to an amazing realization: When you are seemingly diminished in some way and remain in absolute non ­reaction, not just externally but also internally, you realize that nothing real has been diminished, that through becoming “less,” you become more.

When you no longer defend or attempt to strengthen the form of yourself, you step out of identification with form, with mental self ­image. Through becoming less (in the ego’s perception), you in fact undergo an expansion and make room for Being to come forward. True power, who you are beyond form, can then shine through the apparently weakened form. this is what Jesus means when he says, “Deny yourself” or “Turn the other cheek.”

This does not mean, of course, that you invite abuse or turn yourself into a victim of unconscious people. Sometimes a situation may demand that you tell someone to “back off” in no uncertain terms. Without egoic defensiveness, there will be power behind your words, yet no reactive force. If necessary, you can also say not to someone firmly and clearly, and it will be what I call a “high­ quality no” that is free of all negativity.

If you are content with being nobody in particular, content not to stand out, you align yourself with the power of the universe. What looks like weakness to the ego is in fact the only true strength. This spiritual truth is diametrically opposed to the values of our contemporary culture and the way it conditions people to behave.

Instead of trying to be the mountain, teaches the ancient Tao Te Ching, “Be the valley of the universe.” In this way, you are restored to wholeness and so “All things will come to you.”

Similarly, Jesus, in one of his parables, teaches that “When you are invited, go and sit in the lowest place so that when your host comes, he may say to you, friend, move up higher. Then you will be honored in the presence of all who sit at table with you. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

Another aspect of this practice is to refrain from attempting to strengthen the self by showing off, wanting to stand out, be special, make an impression, or demand attention.



It may include occasionally refraining from expressing your opinion when everybody is expressing his or hers, and seeing what that feels like.

Sadhguru:

Whenever your ego is satisfied, you are very peaceful. Wherever you go, in that place, if people are willing to support and boost your ego, in that place you are very peaceful. Only in those places where your ego takes a thrashing, that is where you are not peaceful, isn’t it?

Generally in the world, when people talk about peace of mind, it is only about somehow making their ego comfortable. Instead of being in a disturbed state, they wish to be comfortable. But the very process of trying to make your ego comfortable is the whole process of discomfort also. The more a person tries to be peaceful, he only loses his peace and goes off  

Generally the peace that you achieve is only about making yourself comfortable.

This peace is of no great significance. It is better to be disturbed because if you are disturbed, at least you will search. If you become peaceful you only become complacent. Complacence is the greatest enemy. Disturbance is not your enemy. Your complacence is the greatest enemy and this kind of peace will create only complacence.

Peace can also come out of achievement. When you have achieved something you feel very satisfied. You feel like you are complete, a whole being. This lasts just for a moment. This feeling of wholeness is not really wholeness. When your wishes are fulfilled, when your ambitions are fulfilled, or when everything is right for you, when the situation around you is comfortable for your ego and your body, these are the times when you feel peaceful generally. But this peace is not peace. Peace means nothingness.

P.S: Very interestingly, I remembered that long back I had read something about housewives in Preeti Shenoy's blog. I had not read this specific one, but it's such a coincidence that both of us have thought over the same things!
http://blog.preetishenoy.com/2007/10/renewal-writers-island-2.html

Perspectives on self esteem and job

It's a known fact that having a job gives you a sense of self.. self esteem, self worth and financial independence. Here's a lovely article linking self esteem to your job.

http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/columnist/kay/2013/08/31/at-work-self-esteem-depression
/2736083/

Here's a slightly different view point which says that you need not be your job.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/panic/2011/11/do-you-define-your-self-worth-through-your-job/

Self esteem - a monument you build

My philosophy classmate Shashank helped me get to this blog.
It's such a wonderful blog.

I read so much about girls and insecurity here.
I could identify with the girl's journey.
She redefined smartness for me.
She ruthlessly leads us to love ourselves.

I am surprised that so many people, all over the world, live a life of self hatred.
How on earth did self hatred become such a common thing?
How does it start? At what age do we pick up this wrong, disastrous habit of hating oneself?

Nevertheless, I was quite impressed by Isa's writing. It touched a chord and many things she has written, resonated with my life's incidents.
I consider myself extremely lucky that I did not have any distractions in school. I finished with top grades and I got to work. If I had been caught in this maze of things, I would have died of heart break. Thank heavens for that.

http://everydayisa.wordpress.com/2013/07/18/on-building-a-monument/
http://everydayisa.wordpress.com/2012/10/04/smart-girls/
http://everydayisa.wordpress.com/2013/09/27/girls-like-me/

Love...

Einstein's thoughts on life - another week coming to an end

So, today I watched the last of the Fellini movies being screened. It was La Dolce Vita. I could not fully understand Fellini's movies but I observed that I watched his movies with extreme attention, something strange for me nowadays.

I also had a tussle with someone abt "self-obsession" - too many selfies. I donno what got into me. I can very well shut up if someone is doing something that I don't like or approve right? Nowadays I do exercise control over my tongue or keyboard. But, sometimes when the threshold is reached, I end up being rude and telling people on their face, what I feel. Then, the usual regret cycle starts. I fear that I may have damaged a relation... I try to make mends. But this time, I am just regretting. I decided to let go of such relations. Some other point in time, when we both have matured, we will meet, if we are destined to.

Given the lousy mood I was already in, my friend sends in a sarcastic mail.
I send him a list of books to read, compiled by Harvard prof and he says "Why don't u stop reading these lists and actually start reading those books?". I was hurt. A couple of times the person has taken a dig at me. What I find hurtful is, these are the same people that I try to protect, about whom I hold high opinion of. It hurts that they think so poor of me and don't care to not hurt me.

So, I gave it back to him. So many times we are trampled by people. We let others trample us by being vulnerable and exposing our vulnerabilities. We respect some people more than what thy deserve to be. Never underestimate yourself. Always be confident. These people, I feel, can never be part of a close group. As part of decluttering life, you need to drop people like hot potatoes! This un-necessary social interaction drains you. It's time that is fully wasted and I shall henceforth strive not to commit that crime. Delete phone numbers, stop talking to certain people, no FB connections.. nothing. The fewer people u have, the better you address them. Man cannot have more than 3 - 4 truly good friends who understand you and will stand by you and protect you.



Ending the day with lovely quotes from Albert Einstein:

The world as I see it, Einstein and Religion.

“What is the meaning of human life, or of organic life altogether? To answer this question at all implies a religion. Is there any sense then, you ask, in putting it? I answer, the man who regards his own life and that of his fellow-creatures as meaningless is not merely unfortunate but almost disqualified for life.
What an extraordinary situation is that of us mortals! Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he sometimes thinks he feels it. But from the point of view of daily life, without going deeper, we exist for our fellow-men–in the first place for those on whose smiles and welfare all our happiness depends, and next for all those unknown to us personally with whose destinies we are bound up by the tie of sympathy.
A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labours of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving. I am strongly drawn to the simple life and am often oppressed by the feeling that I am engrossing an unnecessary amount of the labour of my fellow-men. I regard class differences as contrary to justice and, in the last resort, based on force. I also consider that plain living is good for everybody, physically and mentally.”

"How strange is the lot of us mortals! Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he sometimes thinks he senses it. But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people -- first of all for those upon whose smiles and well-being our own happiness is wholly dependent, and then for the many, unknown to us, to whose destinies we are bound by the ties of sympathy. A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving...
"I have never looked upon ease and happiness as ends in themselves -- this critical basis I call the ideal of a pigsty. The ideals that have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Kindness, Beauty, and Truth. Without the sense of kinship with men of like mind, without the occupation with the objective world, the eternally unattainable in the field of art and scientific endeavors, life would have seemed empty to me. The trite objects of human efforts -- possessions, outward success, luxury -- have always seemed to me contemptible.
"My passionate sense of social justice and social responsibility has always contrasted oddly with my pronounced lack of need for direct contact with other human beings and human communities. I am truly a 'lone traveler' and have never belonged to my country, my home, my friends, or even my immediate family, with my whole heart; in the face of all these ties, I have never lost a sense of distance and a need for solitude..."
"My political ideal is democracy. Let every man be respected as an individual and no man idolized. It is an irony of fate that I myself have been the recipient of excessive admiration and reverence from my fellow-beings, through no fault, and no merit, of my own. The cause of this may well be the desire, unattainable for many, to understand the few ideas to which I have with my feeble powers attained through ceaseless struggle. I am quite aware that for any organization to reach its goals, one man must do the thinking and directing and generally bear the responsibility. But the led must not be coerced, they must be able to choose their leader. In my opinion, an autocratic system of coercion soon degenerates; force attracts men of low morality... The really valuable thing in the pageant of human life seems to me not the political state, but the creative, sentient individual, the personality; it alone creates the noble and the sublime, while the herd as such remains dull in thought and dull in feeling. "This topic brings me to that worst outcrop of herd life, the military system, which I abhor... This plague-spot of civilization ought to be abolished with all possible speed. Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!
"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed. It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion. A knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, our perceptions of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty, which only in their most primitive forms are accessible to our minds: it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute true religiosity. In this sense, and only this sense, I am a deeply religious man... I am satisfied with the mystery of life's eternity and with a knowledge, a sense, of the marvelous structure of existence -- as well as the humble attempt to understand even a tiny portion of the Reason that manifests itself in nature."