My encounter with gods

I am a very god fearing person. I fear all the gods. They paralyze me. Coming from a staunch TamBrahm family I lived in eternal fear that people will find out that my knowledge about gods was zero. I had a tough time remembering the gods, their faces, their core identities, their various avatars, their weapons of mass destruction or construction, their respective mantras, their birth days and whether it's a Shaivite god or a Vaishnavite God or whatever.

To make things worse, a few more new gods from all parts of India were introduced every few months. I could not cope up.

One day I broke down. I thought "Why are all the gods not helping me remember them?". I them became an atheist because that was in vogue and majorly because I wanted to get out of this trauma. If someone asked me about gods and my favourite temples, I simply had to tell them "I'm an atheist.".
Things became very simple.

But then you secretly admire Ganesh-ji because he's so cute. He looks like you.. and he's captured the imagination of so many artists who do everything with Ganesha - from Punjabi ganesha to football ganesha. He's just cute - he and his mouse and his pettu.

Then, things changed in my life. There was a sense of desperation. It was at that point that I was advised by a well meaning person to visit Hanumanji every evening and recite the Hanuman Chalisa every night. I was once caught red handed coming out of the temple. My neighbour stared at me in shock. I confessed to my crime. It was a very low phase - emotionally and financially. I did not see light at the end of the tunnel.

That was the time that I had read about Hanumanji. I was astonished when I read that he also did not believe in his abilities. Someone had to sing Hanuman Chalisa for him to realize his strengths. This was a powerful story for me. All of us can suffer self esteem issues! I was viewing everything from the self esteem issue as that was no 1 priority for me then. My husband was totally ignorant of the fact that I was suffering so much inside. I was driving myself crazy with the constant blaming. He said "You've done some amazing job which most people can't do. Why not be proud of that?".
I never believed him. He's too kind to me. I thought he's trying to just cheer me.

But then, I did know that all my problems were self esteem issues. I did work on it mostly, whole of last year. I openly confessed to people that I had a low self esteem (and most people were shell shocked). I decided to be positive about myself. I patted myself in the back whenever I did something good or smart or efficient or useful. I found that I did have a lot of small good things. Maybe I was in the wrong field with the wrong kind of people, which dented my self esteem beyond repair but I was not bad at all. I worked slowly and I realized that people are not as "great" as I had pictured them to be. Everyone had flaws. Everyone had issues. Everyone had weaknesses which they did not want others to see. Most people hid their flaws. Most people only focus on what they can do well. They totally avoid the things they can't do. Many people didn't even make an effort to change. Many people did not know themselves. I saw people. I then learnt that all of us are bound together by our common fears and insecurities. You need to love your self and have some self worth and then work hard towards your goal. I accepted that I was not that bad. I had problems but so does everyone else.

So, slowly I think things have changed. I have become laidback. My days are quite chaotic and I do not like it. I sometimes don't read a single useful thing in a day. I waste time. I still have not set aims and goals to achieve in 1 year. I don't know what I am going to do, to find a job. All these questions lurk and I am not entirely happy with the way I am taking life.

But at the broad level, things have become positive. I can feel it. There is very less negativity. Even when people pass stinging remarks they do not hurt as much as it used to do. When we feel low about ourself, everything that anyone says will sting us. When we feel good about ourself we are more willing to forgive others for any of their rude remarks. I kind of feel more stable inside nowadays.

Over the last 2 years yoga - theoretical, happened. I learnt about GOD for the first time. The concept of a HINDU god. I read about Hinduism and spirituality. I was shocked. I was taken aback. So, this is the concept of GOD? Aham Brahmasmi. Naan Kadavul. So, I intellectually knew God. I felt redeemed. I felt my guilt of not knowing gods, vanish. I understood that most people, including the most ardent temple goers, did not know the concept of god. Unless they were bhakts, I was wondering how GOD could help them. So, when you place your trust in God, I think what essentially happens is you open doors inside you to your deepest intelligence. You operate from God's perspective. God operates through you - through that opening you made. It's you but you think it's god - some supernatural force. Anyway, as long as it works, good for you.

So, I lost and found GOD. Now, I no longer fear GODs. I want to find my own god within. That experiential realization - or atleast a hint of it, would be the best gift ever.