People who walk in and walk out of your life

No one said "Relations are easy". Did they?
But some are specifically difficult, where the intent is to use that relation for any other reason than love and care.

There are some people who suddenly vanish from your lives and suddenly reappear. I have no clue what goes in such people's brains. They are never there when you need someone. It's not that you're necessarily enemies. It's just the total lack of sensitivity.

It's just that the equation is skewed. It's not equal.

One thing I have realized very strongly with respect to relations is the relational operators in Computers.
<, ==, >.

Anything other than ==  never lasts. It has to be an equal from both sides. Else there is heartbreak.
Heartbreak doesn't necessarily mean the one that happens when two people are in love. It happens with any relation.

So, back to these annoying people who play hide and seek - while I figure what goes on with such people, I do have some strong opinion about such people.
These people just want to check their relation status with you - whether they still are there in your life or not.
Else, they use you entirely as ego boosters. They think that an entire human being exists just to satisfy their bloated egos.
Or, they don't have anyone "better" to go to, so they come to you. You're their last go to stop.
They are least interested in your wellbeing or in your conversations.

They not being in touch is not because they are busy. It's because you're not a priority. You're a cheap substitute when their girlfriends are on vacation or when they have no girlfriends or when they have no warm relations around. You're the free teddy bear...

Their tactics are all similar - they choose when to enter and when to exit. You have no choice there. If you want them to stay longer, they will not. Right when you don't want them to enter your life... they will enter, shake up things a bit, unknowingly, and leave.. and then you're a mess. You wonder what just hit you.

I think, without even knowing, such people are manipulators.
You just have to enter a relation with trust and love and care. Minimal things.

Why play hide and seek?
It could play with the other party's emotions and that is worse than borrowing money from someone and not returning it.

I have been fortunate enough to have fallen in love just once and married the same person.
But I can see how it may work in other love stories which are not deep rooted.
I have a friend who's had a couple of unsuccessful relations.I think the guys may have been with her for lust and ego boost.
When they left her, she was left in the dumps. The way these people enter her life and exit, is shocking. It's not a restaurant, isn't it? You don't even enter and exit someone's house with such callousness. Playing with someone's heart, shouldn't you be more careful?
I was then wondering.. what's the best way to handle this?a) Do not talk to strangers. The rule your mom taught when you were 3. If you do not fully know someone, try not to linger on long on mail/ chat or whatever. No matter how fascinating it is, resist. Always take time to validate a person. Don't rush into relations. No rebound love at all.

b) Extremely high self worth, self esteem and self love + a field that you're passionate about.These are your only guards. So, when these people enter and exit, you just forget it all and go back to work, back to normalcy soon. You love yourself so much that you refuse to be manipulated by such stupid people. If you love yourself so much you will find it easy to shake off these people. You refuse to allow them to tamper with your emotions. You guard yourself. If you did not have these tools you'd be lingering on where they left you :-) and that would be a bad place to hang on.
No guy can make you feel good. These relations just reflect how you feel about yourself. If someone pines for you and hunts you down, you simply feel good about yourself. You feel you're worthy of love and attention. You feel you're special and that inner feeling is what reflects outside as happiness (that's what I think). A few days down the lane your relation may turn sour. How come? When the person leaves you your whole identity and self worth is shaken. That's what causes sadness.
If one were to have a very good self esteem/ self love - this may not happen. You simply brush it off as a lesson to be learnt. You be careful with people. You don't get shaken that badly. So, core for anything in life is self love. Tons of self love. No guy - or no kid can give you the happiness. You invest time on yourself, do more of the things that you love and create things and that creates happiness. When your day is devoted mostly to things that you love, a lot of unwanted thoughts vanish.. There will be down days but far and few.

c) Never ever initiate conversation with such people, even if you're about to die. That is a sign of weakness. It lets the other party assume a lot of unwanted things. They think you need them.

d) Emotional stability. When you're under the influence of strong emotions your entire intelligence is hijacked. So, don't get in there often. The result is often: Regret.

e) Continue improving yourself and become more and more awesome. That's the only thing a human has to do. Discover your full potential. Be alive. Be open. Merge with the divine. So, your life is so awesome that whoever walked in and out totally regrets not being part of your life.

These, I think are the secret to "Happily ever after" relationships.

Also, the following is a wonderful companion on creativity by Osho.
Misery needs no talents, anybody can afford it. Happiness needs talents, genius, creativity. Only creative people are happy.

Let this sink deep in your heart: only creative people are happy. Happiness is a by-product of creativity. Create something, and you will be happy. Create a garden, let the garden bloom, and something will bloom in you. Create a painting, and something starts growing in you with the growing painting. As the painting comes to the finish, as you are giving the last touches to the painting, you will see you are no more the same person. You are giving the last touches to something that is very new in you.

Write a poem, sing a song, dance a dance, and see: you start becoming happy. That's why in my commune creativity is going to be our prayer to God. This commune is not going to be of those sad, long faces who are not doing anything, just sitting under trees or in their huts, vegetating. This commune is going to be a commune of artists, painters, poets, sculptors, dancers, musicians -- and so many things are there to be done!

God has only given you an opportunity to be creative: life is an opportunity to be creative. If you are creative you will be happy. Have you seen the joy in the eyes of a mother when the child starts growing in her womb? Have you seen the change that happens to the woman when she becomes pregnant? What is happening? Something is flowering in her, she is being creative, she is going to give birth to a new life. She is utterly happy, tremendously joyous, a song is in her heart.

When the child is born and the woman sees the child for the first time, see the depth of her eyes, the joy of her being. She has gone through much pain for this joy, but she has not gone into this pain for the pain's sake. She has suffered, but her suffering is tremendously valuable; it is not ascetic, it is creative. She has suffered to create more joy.

When you want to climb to the highest peak of the mountains, it is arduous. And when you have reached the peak and you lie down, whispering with the clouds, looking at the sky, the joy that fills your heart -- that joy always comes whenever you reach any peak of creativity.

It needs intelligence to be happy, and people are taught to remain unintelligent. The society does not want intelligence to flower. The society does not need intelligence; in fact it is very much afraid of intelligence. The society needs stupid people. Why? -- because stupid people are manageable. Intelligent people are not necessarily obedient -- they may obey, they may not obey. But the stupid person cannot disobey; he is always ready to be commanded. 

People want everybody to remain stupid, then everybody is obedient, conformist, never goes outside the fold, remains always part of the mob, is controllable, manipulatable, manageable.

The intelligent person is rebellious. Intelligence is rebellion. The intelligent person decides on his own whether to say no or yes. The intelligent person cannot be traditional, he cannot go on worshipping the past; there is nothing to worship in the past. The intelligent person wants to create a future, wants to live in the present. His living in the present is his way of creating the future.

The intelligent person does not cling to the dead past, does not carry corpses. Howsoever beautiful they have been, howsoever precious, he does not carry the corpses. He is finished with the past; it is gone, and it is gone forever.

But the foolish person is traditional. He is ready to follow the priest, ready to follow any stupid politician, ready to follow any order -- anybody with authority and he is ready to fall at his feet. Without intelligence there can be no happiness. Man can only be happy if he is intelligent, utterly intelligent. Meditation is a device to release your intelligence. The more meditative you become, the more intelligent you become. But remember, by intelligence I don't mean intellectuality. Intellectuality is part of stupidity.

Intelligence is a totally different phenomenon, it has nothing to do with the head. Intelligence is something that comes from your very center. It wells up in you, and with it many things start growing in you. You become happy, you become creative, you become rebellious, you become adventurous, you start loving insecurity, you start moving into the unknown. You start living dangerously, because that is the only way to live.

To be a sannyasin means to decide that "I will live my life intelligently," that "I will not be just an imitator," that "I will live within my own being, I will not be directed and commanded from without," that "I will risk all to be myself, but I will not be part of a mob psychology," that "I will walk alone," that "I will find my own path," that "I will make my own path in the world of truth." Just by walking into the unknown you create the path. The path is not already there; just by walking, you create it.

For stupid people there are superhighways where crowds move. And for centuries and centuries they have been moving -- and going nowhere, going in circles. Then you have the comfort that you are with many people, you are not alone. Intelligence gives you the courage to be alone, and intelligence gives you the vision to be creative. A great urge, a great hunger arises to be creative. And only then, as a consequence, you can be happy, you can be blissful.

Source - Osho Book "The Book of Wisdom"

The journey of 2 souls

Last week brought in a different flavour.
My sis was almost breaking down about how to organize her daughter's bday party. She has a newborn and no help.
She was in an emotional weakspot and quite drained.
I was also scared how she will manage.
But then, she did something smart. She put aside the negativity and planned a menu and asked for small help and got things done. She did all the work and now she feels awesome.

For all of us, we feel good only when we can do what we aim to do and what we are capable of doing. But those emotional turmoils that we go through totally derail and decapacitate us.
It may seem silly but we go through so many turbulences and conflicts. There are conflicting voices in our head that drive us crazy.

And through all this journey of hers I realized two things.
a) Sometimes you do someone great service by not being there. It's an art to know when to be there for a friend and also when to leave them alone. You're enabling them by leaving them alone. But when they are in the dark, you stand there to support them.
b) As humans we go through struggles. We all have our battles and demons.
The beauty of a relation is in sharing a human's struggle. Seeing them fight wars and win them.
You see them come out of a situation, changed, battered but better. You witness the "change".
That is human relation. That is bond...these moments when we're there for each other, witnessing each other's journey, is the core of relations. It's these journeys we share, that make life worthwhile. You see the seed to flower journey of a person.. you see the rocks becoming diamonds...you root for them.. you cry with them..

The hardest thing is change.. changing one's self. It requires courage and effort and most of us are not willing to put that. We falter. We succumb.
Tis these shared journeys that make life worthwhile.

Dance of the genders

ஆண்-பெண் இடையிலான உறவுமுறைக்குள் இருக்கின்ற எதிர்பார்ப்புகளை அவர்கள் தேவதைகளையும், கடவுளையுமே திருமணம் செய்து கொண்டாலும் கூட நிறைவேற்ற முடியாது. தோற்றுப் போவார்கள்....!!
சத்குரு

Some improvements due

I am not happy with certain things.
Relations - for one.
With friends its better - except with very few people. But, with family it's a little tough.
When I observe H, he has impeccable behaviour and an awesome attitude which I should follow.

1) Watch what I speak. Something mentioned casually about X to Y could be perceived as gossip or could be taken out of context and quoted. Avoid this trap.
2) Never think about why X did or did not do something. Unless X tells, there is no way to know for sure. So, this is all unnecessary energy waste. Any analysis about any person is bound to leave some imprints in the mind. The only way to avoid imprints is to never analyse or give time to things.
3) Control one's facial expression when discussing someone you're not too happy with. The face is a dead giveaway.


It is so tough to be one's best always. There are things that people do, which piss you off.
But, I don't want to brood long over that or judge someone. I want to take things very light and float on the surface. I want to just keep those few good relations.

Other points in general to improve:
1) Never discuss any form of money. eg: That salad was too expensive, etc. People may perceive you as snobbish and show-offy.
2) Be extremely careful when talking about others. Avoid mentions as much as possible, especially about people you're not great friends with.
3) Unless someone really wants to, never prod them as to why they are upset.
4) Avoid - run away from unwanted info about people.

Couple image

Each of us has distinct personalities. We have identities and image, which we tell ourselves and portray to others.

When we were going through this unemployment crisis a while ago, this this struck me.
Do we appear as a lazy, failure to others? Somehow this thought bothered me for quite some time.
I was thinking of other couples and could see that each couple has a "couple" personality as well.. an image they portray to others.

And last few days I have been thinking a lot about Brad and Angelina. Brad comes across as such a great guy. I looked up a few links about them and they seem to be an awesome couple.
When I read a line here http://lprnoticias.com/2014/02/13/brad-pitt-angelina-jolie-fiery-love-story/ it made me think.

"Speaking of Brad and Angelina is synonymous with family, altruism and many, many children."

It sounded so nice to me.
So, I am gonna make an effort henceforth to give a good image to the world about us.
We may be one of those rare couples who are much more beautiful inside, than the outside. I mean, people may not really know what a great couple we are.. how much we understand each other and support each other.

So whenever I go out I am gonna remember this couple and keep working on that image.
What an awesomely good looking and large hearted couple!

Relationship rants

So, today I had a bad day. Last week I felt that some people had taken me for granted and caused me a lot of inconvenience. I think I have a linked list for such people. It brought another recent incident where despite knowing my financial and emotional state, someone came to stay at my place.
I was not happy, but I was ok with it. These were people who had taken some care for me in earlier times. We even had a nice conversation about spirituality and we exchanged a lot of info.
Suddenly when the lady started probing abt my parents and others and made me feel a little down about my financial status and the status of my in-laws, my guards went up. I became very defensive. I don't know what I said but she was very hurt. There is a high chance they will never come to my place, which is fine with me. I want to keep a distance with such people who gossip a lot and who are very negative about others. Being in such company has put me in huge danger. I have become quite cynical myself about relations. A slew of bad relations and I feel hurt and my trust has waned.

So, I had called the father, the mother and the daughter to inform abt hubby's new job. Not even one of the three called to wish him. I suddenly remembered that these people, who had called me a thousand times when they had work with me, never bothered to wish H. It felt rude. It showed their selfishness. I had been hearing time and again about their selfishness but never believed it but now I saw it first hand. I felt extremely resentful and angry. All their relations seem like transactions. Only if they have work they will call. H getting a job was a huge thing for us. No need to celebrate but if someone had been concerned at all, they would have called us to wish. I don't know why such thoughts come to my head. I have become polluted. I accept that. Earlier such thoughts would never come to my mind. Now I don't know what to do with such bad thoughts. I feel ashamed really. So, it took me a whole half a day to cool down. I understood how relations sour over time. We have so many grievances - instances when people take us for granted, when they do not respect us, when they try to cheat us, when they say hurtful words, etc. We spend a lot of time with people and those with whom we spend a lot of time, we will hurt them also. If we can love them as our own brothers and sisters and children and parents, we can forgive them. That's what I should do. I should just forgive and ask for forgiveness.

I thought of pointing it out to them, but at the insistence of divine intelligence dropped the crazy idea.
I then thought, I feel good only when I love people. I feel good when I am a nice person. I feel good when I am compassionate and forgiving. I will try hard to forgive them. That is the image I need to follow. It's an uphill struggle now. To have all these thoughts and misgivings and yet become a Buddha. Meanwhile Guruji has left a beautiful quote for me. Thanks Guruji!

Don't concern yourself with the faults of others. Use the scouring powder of wisdom to keep the rooms of your own mind bright and spotless. By your example, other persons will be inspired to do their own housecleaning.

Paramahansa Yogananda

So, in the upcoming wedding, I should put up a nice act..better still, be a nice person. 

Changing a relation status

Relations sometimes are like a car and a journey. Sometimes sweet, fun.. sometimes hurtful and bitter.

Recently I was speaking to someone and she mentioned how X's careless and uncaring attitude affected her. I had also earlier been troubled by it - in fact extremely troubled by it. I used to feel sad how they behaved as a family and how each member moved in a different direction. I used to wonder how the child will grow up to be. I had never witnessed a motherly tenderness and care in X. Somehow, I had not seen a family or mother daughter duo, this impersonal and uncaring. The firsts are always lessons, right? I too used to go out of my way to care for that person. But later on I realized that the person is incapable of caring for others. It's just not there in her sense. It's not like she tries to neglect people, she doesn't know to care; doesn't know to be there for a friend in need; She remains in her own world or in a world of turmoil (which is self created and she doesn't understand). My efforts to help her, have gone waste. Now, in an effort to save myself, I have distanced myself from X. I cannot bear to see the irresponsible behaviour always. It makes me angry.

I want to avoid thinking of X as every thought seems upsetting. But, what I realized is, over that year or more, I have distanced myself quite a bit. The way the family works, no longer affects me that much. I hardly pay attention to them. I do not go overboard to do anything and I do not expect anything from them. They may feel that I am a horrible person or whatever. But, this is an attempt to keep myself sane. Sometimes I feel I should be more compassionate. People in trouble need compassion. But, somehow I can't be that compassionate. I have accepted it.

So, our relation has changed gears from 5th to 1. We meet rarely. We're cordial. I want to keep it this way. Our values, aspirations, etc are so wide apart and I cannot relate to such people. But, I need to reduce my negativity to X. I will definitely try to do that because everyone is different. X is made out that way and makes no effort to change. (Who am I to even ask her to change?)
So, I should learn to accept that she is good enough for herself - may not be for me. We're all good enough for ourselves. If someone doesn't accept us, we can inspect and if some change is needed we can try or we could remain the same. The choice is ours. I cannot enforce my ideas and my idea of living on someone. That, I should not do. Since this is the first time I am having such a relation maybe I was in for a shock and unprepared. The more such people I meet, the more prepared I am. For now, I want to remove any ill feelings towards X and continue a cordial relations. Going forward we should learn to be cordial even to our so called enemies. Lesson to learn.

How to have happy relations

I was musing about certain things the past few days.
Why do relations become a pain for people, etc...

What I realized are:
Our relatives are people who will be associated with us for a very long time unlike friends, who usually come and go.
Our relatives are not the people you choose - you can choose your friends but relatives are added.
Your closest cousin may marry a person, you can't gel with. What do you do?

We Indians are afraid of speaking our mind. We dislike somethings but we hold a grudge and backbite instead of openly telling people what we feel. If some relatives take advantage of us, instead of saying No, we will do the thing and complain behind their back.


We would go and gossip about A to B and how A did not treat us well, etc.

One of the most commonly complained things is - being taken advantage of or asked for too many favours or people not remembering what you did for them or inferiority complex.
As we grow, the more negative relations we have, the more it sucks our energy.

Life is a struggle to be better..that struggle should only create better things.

While thinking deep on this topic I realized a few things:

a) First and foremost is, know your relations. We cannot get very comfortable with everyone. Your mom's sister may be very close to you but you may not be able to get the same closeness with someone else. You may be able to do more for your close aunt than for your other relation. Avoid all negative relations.


b) We don't say "No" sometimes. A "No" is a better way to save resentment. If your "No" comes from a position of inability to help (rather than not wanting to help, where you can help) you will never feel guilty. Explain why you're not able to help and say sorry and let the other party understand.
I was reading http://greatist.com/happiness/how-to-set-boundaries-in-relationship and it's a must read for all. Many a times we end up in resentment because we had to go beyond our capacity to help others. It sours the relation. Instead, have healthy relations. Treat people well in general but if there are times when it's too hard, do say "No".

c)  Many a times we overestimate our help. A close family member will take everyone's problems on his head. The person himself may not think of it as a do or die situation but X will. He will put all his effort to help. Finally after a few years if he's not treated well or forgotten he feels bad.

The thing is, when you help someone in real need, they will never never forget it and you will also never need a "Thanks" from them. The happiness of helping such a needy person is itself sufficient.
One good example is, my dad helped a cousin get plastic surgery because of which she could get married. For her, it was a defining moment. Without that help, she would not have got married. There is no way she can forget my dad and my dad also doesn't need to hear a Thank you. The help itself was so magnificent.
Whereas, on the other hand, he helped one of his colleagues, get her job back in an unethical way.
That colleague, in all probability had no need for the job. The job was more of a luxury to her and it was got to her by unethical ways. So, a few years later, she will never remember my dad. I am sure he will feel let down with her.
So - you need to discriminate the real needs and comforts. When you give someone comforts it doesn't matter much to them. No one will remember that I change the bedsheets and pillow cases for every guest, so that it's clean and hygienic. It's a comfort that I offer. Whereas, if I give people a room to stay, when they do not have a place to stay in town, they will most probably acknowledge it. Also, no one will care that you spent 5 hours making a fancy mousse. You're doing it for your satisfaction and because you have a skill. Whereas, if you feed a real simple meal to a hungry person, it will help them more. So, know the NEEDs from the comforts.

Personally, I feel, one should go to great lengths to help the one in dire NEED. Whereas, if it's a matter of comfort, do it only if you have time and energy and inclination to help.

d) Never over ask for favours. Unfortunately, my dad, does this every single time.
I cringe everytime that he does this. He's helped people a lot. Sure. But that does not mean you ask a favour of someone which is actually a disturbance for them. Last week he asked my cousin to drop us from point A to our house. I did not know that my cousin stayed near point A. He drove all the way to drop us and drove the same distance back, that too at 10:30 at night. I felt horrible.

Don't just drop off at people's house unexpectedly. Don't drop in at people's place during regular lunch or interval times. Your host is then compelled to serve you food and they may not have the time, energy, ingredients or inclination to do so. It's not like people are always ready with extra food or all ingredients to throw a meal at short notice. As a thumbrule, don't do these things.

I remember so many times when we were at a relatives place and the lady of the house was so irritated due to our presence. It meant extra work for her. She probably did not want us there. At that time I never understood. But today I can. Never be an unwanted guest anywhere. It's a matter of dignity too.  If you repeatedly keep asking for favours, people will get annoyed. They may bite their teeth and do it, but don't let that happen. Ask only for genuine favours, that too when you know that the other person can help. Whenever you ask for any favour think a hundred times. Don't spoil your relations.

Whenever I set out to people's house I am very careful. I will never drop in during lunch or dinner time. At the most I can drop in for tea. Also, if I need help I will think a thousand times. Is it going to be a stretch for A to help me? How much of their time will it take? Is there any money involved? Will they say No? - Somehow because we do this, we seem to have good relations. We help people and we ask for limited help.

e) Be honest. Speak your mind. Don't hide resentment. Don't fake closeness. Be truthful and open.
Try to patch up. Else if the hurt is very strong, I recommend cutting off the relation.
Over years people gather a lot of hurt. Don't empower the hurt. Don't swell on them and let them feed you. It will make you negative. Instead sever ties and become positive.

I like my mom's attitude in this regard. If she does not like a relation, she cuts it off completely. She doesn't try to fake closeness. You will know that you're not in her good books :-) So many times, I end up falling in her bad books because I refuse to follow what she says :-)

She will not invite someone to her function for namesake. She will live with the ostracism than do that. She will not go to anyone's house or eat at their place if she does not feel comfortable.

f) Another thing is, we all consider that we're running a race. We need to be better than our neighbours, our colleagues, our friends and our relatives. Our children should have more degrees, better jobs, better houses and better cars. So, our relatives end up being people whom we compare ourself and our children against. This is never bound to create happy relations and it's bound to fail. Our only wish should be that we do our best, our children do their best and end up in jobs that they like and bring up their children with values. Beyond that, if my child earns less than my cousin's child - should not bother me. Earnings and social status is never a true measure of things. Long back PhDs earned so much less than most working people. For all their intellectualism and hard work they earned less. Today, my company pays so much to freshers than I make untill I was 29 years old. i.e Only after 8 years of working did I get that kind of pay. The world and economic structures change rapidly. Our skills and demand for our skills change. What was hot 10 years back is not hot today. New fields are emerging. Paychecks are fattening. Lifestyles are getting affluent. There is no way to compare two people - their education and earnings. My cousin, who is extremely hard working and is trying for MD will never see money till she becomes 27 or 28 probably. By that time, any software engineer will have a huge corpus and will own a house and a car. But a doctor is a doctor and we will all respect her much more than we respect a software engineer. So - we need to be realistic somewhere. An artists with amazing capabilities may die of penury.


So, as sadhguru says, these are just social or financial situations. Don't take it seriously and never compare 2 humans. It's gross injustice to both. Someone maybe rich but another "actually richer".
Everyone's aspirations and goals are different.

"Labels are distancing phenomena — stop using them! And when people use them around you, have the gumption and the guts to say, “What and who are you talking about because I don’t know any such thing.” … There is no word vast enough to begin to describe even the simplest of man. But only you can stop it. A loving person won’t stand for it. There are too many beautiful things about each human being to call him a name and put him aside."

g) Never take one aspect of a person and judge them harshly. Someone maybe selfish. So what? As long as that does not affect you - don't bother. Someone may be a miser. Someone may be proud or egoistic. Someone may be a bad cook. Someone may not know how to talk. These are small aspects of people. A person, as quoted above, has too many things. If we discard the bad and see the positives, we'll have positive relations. We all have so many negatives. We have slip of tongues. We blurt out. We sometimes behave proudly, not knowing that we're hurting others. When we have so many negatives, others will also have right? Who's perfect and why be perfect I say?

h) Another most important thing - do not poison your children. Let them evaluate people and choose their close relatives. Your equation with your mother in law maybe screwed but your children can have healthy relations with the grand parent. Never interfere with that. I can see so many children, who are exposed to so many negativism within the family. These children end up being suspicious people - doing bad things like tapping phone calls, opening gift made to someone, eavesdropping on private conversations, or not treating a relation with respect, etc. I find it abominable when children do it. It's ok for a conditioned adult to behave this way, but when children do it, I find it intolerable. In the name of teaching, you're spoiling your child's inner beauty. You're making them mature and negative to others. They will always be suspicious and never have open relations. Their first thought of a relation will always be doubt and suspicion. I am glad that my mom never taught be who is what.
I always gew up believing that people were all good. Yes, over the years I have come to realise that neither am I a buddha nor is everyone good. There are people who cannot be close. There are people who are opportunists. There are people who will not treat you well if you're not well off. But those people do not matter. But, overall whatever I know of relations, is not through my mom's teachings. That is why I am able to have close relations with the same people whom she hates. If she had taught me early on, I would have also hated some people. But I was free to form my own relations using my own judgements, which I feel is a good thing. A person will have different relation with X and X's children. X is an adult whereas, X's child is innocent, pure and open to relations. That's how it should be.

i) Accomodate changes. A person matures with age. They usually become better. Whatever grudges you have, drop them and accept the new person. Then only life is meaningful. We all change over time. Some relations fade and new ones form. Always evaluate a person for what they are now - not what they were 20 years ago. 10 years back, in my immaturity I had a lot of hatred against few relations. Today, I have matured and they have also opened up themselves to me and we have a really good relation. If I still hold the grudge that they ill treated me long back, this cannot happen. Our efforts to become better people encompasses moving on and accepting changes - both in us, others and in the relation between us.
Read this interesting article:
http://www.newindianexpress.com/lifestyle/article328930.ece

j) Last but not the least, always treat people well. Whoever it be. If you meet someone, greet them and treat them well. Never ever make faces or behave in a cheap manner. Always think that you are god and everyone is god. Behave like a god.

So - these are the things that come to my mind. I want to have very positive healthy relations. I value every person. I want to nourish relations and grow into a better person and help others also grow into positive people and healthy, successful people. This, is an attempt towards that.

Changes

Yesterday we were having this very interesting conversation. So, my friend said "XXX was not able to accept that the relation had changed".
That stayed with me for long.
XXX and I are very similar people. We're sensitive. We value relations a lot. I think our whole world revolves around people.
Given this, we do find it difficult to handle some things.
a) A close relation changes and moves away due to some reason - maybe they got married, they got busy or they changed a lot and are no longer compatible with us or we're not priority for them.
b) Any relation that is not a 100%.
c) When we meet people who visibly don't care for us or show love or respect, we are probably hurt.

I think, we both are slow to change. So, we probably find it difficult to accept others change.
Also, we're very accomodating. We suppress ourselves and go out of the way to please people or make them comfortable or feel loved. So when that party for whom we went to great lengths, does not take small steps for us, we feel hurt. Also, we find it difficult to be be silent in a party. We like to talk - so when there is a not so close friendship... and we have to suppress our chatterboxes we find it difficult to stay in that place. The freedom that a close relation gives, is taken away in these circumstances.

I think the problem is expectations. With expectations come disappointments.
Why do we expect things?
Either we want a repeat telecast of some previous joyous moment.
We want certain emotions played again.
We want our needs taken care of.
We are influenced by what we see - in the movies.. in books.. in other relations around us.. about relations.. and we start to expect certain behaviour. So, unknown to us, these things have settled into cracks and crevices and distort our perception of a person.
Or.. we have some unfulfilled wishes from previous relations - parents and friends or exes.. that get dumped on the current relation.

So, we unknowingly overburden a relation. So, if people behave how they want to and as a consequence - your desires are not taken care of - we felt heartbroken.

Is it possible for someone to understand each of our 10000 odd wishes? If they forget one, that one is what we end up remembering. Even we cannot satisfy someone's wishes all the time, right?. We're bound to fail to live up to their expectations in some thing or the other. Your spouse may expect you to cook great food or dress well or dance well. You're gonna fall short somewhere too.

My learnings: Relations are not meant to be this way. Someone comes into your life. Give them freedom to be themselves. Enjoy that. When they leave, do not crave for them. If they disappoint you by being themselves and not being what you want, accept it. A person is at his best when he or she is absolutely being himself. That's when a person breathes.. and it's important for all of us to breathe. For a couple of minutes you can hold your breath and put on the masks.. but it's better people learn to love or atleast accept us without the masks. When you're caught off guard there is nothing to conceal.. It just gives you so much more energy.. no need to lie.. no need to have inner conflicts...

The validity of a relation is 'now'. To prolong and extend it and dump our expectations on that person - is akin to strangling that person. Many people have this complaint that their spouses have changed. There is no longer that intimacy or attraction or whatever.

How is it possible to stay together for 10 years.. 20 years and enact the same scenes?
In your 20s things are different. You enjoy the dating and courtship and waiting. Can that happen again in your 30s when you've stayed together for 10 years? Similarly with any friendship - we hit off due to different reasons, even a rebound reason...then it goes somewhere and then somewhere else... someone gets off the wagon at some point because they don't enjoy the ride.. that does not negate the fact that for a while we all enjoyed the ride and felt that we had the same destination! To over analyze and go back and think a lot.. is the killer... The best thing to do is, when you meet someone, try to be honest but nice.. listen to them.. understand them. Once they go back home, there is absolutely nothing you can do and don't sit and think! Don't plan...just let it be.

Being spontaneous, honest and open are good qualities. Neither do we have to put on masks, not should we expect this of others.

Some homework here.
Let's say you expected something from A. A hurt you. A may or may not realize that but has come to talk to you.
How do you behave with A? If A had not hurt you - how would you have behaved?
Is the hurt causing you to behave any different?
What is our true nature? Is it fogged by anger/ hurt/ greed/ jealousy?

When do we behave our best and yet be honest and guided by intelligence - under what circumstances? Is it ever possible to be our best and true self when we're fogged with desires or anger?

When I get hurt, I retreat to my shell. I can no longer show too much interest in A's wellbeing. I, can infact be pretty rude, intolerant and inconsiderate because my own wishes were not satisfied by others. Why should I care to satisfy their wishes? I can turn pretty selfish when I feel this way.

I am beginning to think "Love is often nothing but a favorable exchange between two people who get the most of what they can expect, considering their value on the personality market."
Maybe the things we do in love are not coming from our being. Maybe it was a symbiotic relation. We felt loved, so we cared. Once we're disappointed our love also diminishes. Is this true love? I begin to question. So, our acts are fuelled by our wishes being fulfilled? I don't know. Unknowingly that's what we have been doing in relations. When the children do things - like choose a college of their preference or get married to a girl of their choice, the parents get hurt and separate from their own beloved child. Is this true love? I don't think so. We're all in mutually beneficial relation schemes. As long as we're satisfied we'll be good. Once we're hurt we can turn into devils, even against the same people we loved. This is a point to ponder. Aptly, I read the following words of wisdom.

=======================================================================

A Romance to Last Forever

“They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever” Oscar Wilde

Sustainable love isn’t a myth, it is just misnamed, for love to be sustainable it must be constantly changing to grow with those involved. You see the real issue isn’t in the love , it’s in how people try to define forever that is the true issue.

People think forever, is to be unchanging.
To be unchanging is to break, is to wear down to nothing trying to hold onto what was.

Most lovers try to balance out their relationships based on outside rather than their center. To base love only upon someone else’s outstretched arms…
As Yeats says

“Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold… “

Base love upon the nature of change, to create a ever changing love that can last upon a centre. Something that isn’t held on to but rather you stay connected with instead.
Anyways, I love the oscar wilde quote because his quote is 100% true when people try to make forever, to only be the same thing…! That becomes the same olde same olde before you know it.
So sad, but it seems most people prefer tragic love that is always fleeting over true love that is always changing.
Learn to understand the difference and you will discover lasting love.

When guided by error, human will misleads us; but when guided by wisdom, human will is attuned to the Divine Will. God's plan for us often becomes obscured by the conflicts of human life and so we lose the inner guidance that would save us from chasms of misery.
Paramahansa Yogananda