Thursday, January 31, 2013

Modesty and Indians

Bitty Ruminations 57

Posted on June 27, 2011

I’m sorry, but I’m appalled and alarmed at how Indians are increasingly equating humility with some kind of greatness. My mouth is afroth upon seeing this tweet by Sachin Tendulkar after meeting Roger Federer: “Spent an hour with Roger Federer chatting on the balcony of Wimbledon Royal box. What a humble guy.” In other words, did the man have zero personality? Did he keep saying fake-modest things like “I am dirt — no, the earthworm beneath the dirt; no, the layer of soil beneath the earthworm beneath the dirt — before Borg” and “I just go out there and play my game” and “Winning and losing makes no difference as long as you play your heart out”?
Bah! Give me McEnroe and his “you can’t be serious” tantrums any day. That was entertainment. This is a moral science lesson.
PS: I hope it’s understood that my beef is not with Federer but with the general tendency to say a man is great because he’s humble. If that were indeed the case, great men would be the most boring men.
PPS: Is this a worldwide disease or one peculiar to Indians?

Saturday, January 26, 2013

My introduction to Shiva

I'm a shaivite by birth - not by choice, not through knowledge.
I had no idea about religion, spirituality or yoga.
In fact my brush with Isha was primarily to join their rejuvenation program to lose weight. Today I look back and feel how stupid I was!
Weight loss should not even be in my radar (not that it is not necessary).
The pre-requisite for the program was that I should attend Inner Engineering.
So, I waited for the program near my house and joined Inner Engineering program in March 2012. I liked the talks there but had too many questions.
But, I followed it sincerely. I attended Isha Rejuv in April 2012. Around July I was able to feel good after my Shambavi. In a couple of months my hata yoga stopped but Shambavi continued strong. The 1 hr I spent doing it (twice) was the best part of the day. Come Nov and after my pregnancy I had to stop as I was eating every 1 hr or 2 hrs. I could not continue. Now, after that episode was over, I resumed by Shambavi. Even now I have to eat frequently but atleast in the morning I manage to do my Shambavi. I know that I need to continue this for life. Doing shambavi and following Sadhguru's words (talks/ blogs) has educated me to face life. I am better equipped in life skills. I can keep myself happy in most situations. I assess and analyse properly. I don't get carried away. No emotional outbursts nowadays (or pretty less). Overall it seems that I went in for something but got something totally unexpected from Isha. I am slowly understanding his words. A year ago I did not understand most of his words.
I have slowly started becoming a fan of Lord Shiva - the Adiyogi.

So many times just faith helps. The saptarishis waited for Lord Shiva without knowing what he'd teach them. I for one, without even waiting, have been benefitting from Sadhguru's teachings. There's a reason why he says,
"Don't ask what will I benefit by doing Shambavi". Yes, please do not ask. Just believe that this person has invested a lot of time and money (and probably earning some also out of it) to organize Inner Engineering across the world!
For once let's not see how will I benefit. That questions kills everything. The benefits of such a kriya are inexplicable. You may not become rich overnight or healthy overnight or great overnight. But, you will certainly feel enriched and enlightened in a strange way - as mystic as the guru.. as his gurus...like the Adiyogi himself.

The one tale about Shiva that Sadhguru often tells everyone is here:
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/yoga-meditation/history-of-yoga/the-first-yogi/

It's worth a read.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Imago - play based on Franz Kafka's "The Metamorphosis"

Imago - Play

Have you ever imagined of being something else or someone else? Have you ever dreamed of turning into an unrealistic being? No? Then perhaps your imagination should free yourself to witness the wildest of possibilities, the strangest of dreams and wittiest of fantasies. Our protagonist indeed possesses such power to cross all boundaries of reality and take a leap into a gigantic world of imagination. One would fantasies turning into a beautiful bird or into a carefree doe or into a threatening wild beast, but alas! We fail to capture the protagonist's height of creativity when he turns into an Insect. A mere insect, with many eyes and many legs, but a six feet tall, rather long insect. The play "IMAGO" is a story of a teen turning into a gigantic insect and thereafter the journey of the insect to its destination. In Latin, Imago is the singular form of imagines. Thus, the name suffices not only the imaginative journey of protagonist but also the actual metamorphosis process of the insect. English Adaptation of "KEEDA" Based on Franz Kafka's "The Metamorphosis" Directed By : Chetan Chand Adapted in English by Mandar Naik Written By : Sameer Garud Performed By : Aadar Malik Live Music Band : Translucent Music Band Produced By : Pankaj Singh		"This play is being selected for KalaGhoda Festival, Mumbai 2013"

Review: The performances were good. They added a bit of surprise and spontaneity by asking the audience to name their fears, aspirations, favourite animals and including those as part of the play. I loved the band which played. They played such soothing music - lovely for a perfect friday night. I liked the way they had 2 people narrate the story. The voices in the head were portrayed by the 2nd actor. The methods used to portray the different characters - played by the same actor, were good. The use of music to achieve a certain sense of jumbled words was good. I liked that they had tried to portray the feelings and thoughts of the other actors in the play also, not just that of the lead. What I did not like, was how the insect transformed into a beautiful butterfly. That is the most crucial one for me. If the book also did not capture that, I'd be let down. Also when our hero turned into an insect I was confused whether it was his own hallucination or that was how others also viewed him as. Was he really not able to walk or talk? Maybe a reading of the book will bring more clarity.

Overall the play was quite good and watchable. I had watched so many performances last year which were not worthy. This one definitely was worth the long travel and the money.

Waking up to nice thoughts and going to bed with nice thoughts

We've heard this before and I have experienced it a thousand times. When I think about very serious topics before going to bed, I can never sleep. Same way if I wake up with some disturbing thoughts, that sets the tone for the day.
What can we do about this? Simple.
Ensure that the hour before you sleep you do not think much. If you wake up with bad thoughts immediately do something to divert your attention - go for a walk, take a shower, start cooking, read something, listen to nice music.

But.. when you're in a house full of people - that can wreak havoc on these mantras. Today, we had a long discussion early in the morning about what to do with our milk coupons which we no longer use. It was a tiring and boring discussion and I just snapped. Then, I made it clear to everyone that the first few hours in the morning I want to remain free of such silly thoughts. In fact 'no thoughts' whatsoever. I guess my family understood and will co-operate.

So, make it a point guys. Small efforts - big rewards towards a happy life. Stop to smell the roses. Wake up to a nice brew. Nice flute. Let the piano sing your lullaby. Let some flowers smother your bed. Hug your dog or ur child.Cycle around town. The days will definitely be brighter and lovelier.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

When your plans get derailed..The power of calmness

We all have days which do not go as planned. It gets us worked up.
It happens to every single person.

You may wake up with a bad headache.

Your child is sick.

Your maid does not turn up.

You just could not wake up.

You got caught in a jam.

Your mom calls you and does not hang up :-)

You just don't want to face the day.

You missed the kid's school bus and now have to drive so far to drop them or school bus broke down.

It's very cold and you had to skip your jog.

You forgot to charge your mobile and you could not log into a conf call.

You forgot to fuel up the car and now you have to find some other way to reach work.

Your child spilled coffee on your shirt and you had to find a new one, press it and wear it.

You accidentally dropped the morning breakfast and had to redo the whole thing!

There are n number of things that could go wrong. We all get worked up and if such things happen at the start of the day that kind of sets the mood for the whole day.

First of all we need to make ourselves calm people. One who is always tensed never achieves much. A bit of exercise, meditation and self introspection makes us calm. That helps us tackle problems with a cool mind in an intelligent manner.

So, the day did not start great. What is the best you can do? Replan immediately. Work like the GPS - recalculating routes. As simple as that. If u skipped your morning exercise, squeeze it in at evening. Some tasks, postpone to weekend. The end... By being calm the rest of the day atleast can be made pleasant. Else, you will suffer the rest of the day, be angry, howl at others, keep cursing your luck and end up wasting huge amounts of time and energy and achieve very less.
So, accepting derailments are replanning coolly and not brooding too much over what went wrong will help you be back on track.

But, I think unless you are calm in the first place, all this will never happen! I look back at myself a year ago. I was an agitated person. I was probably angry every second - with traffic, office work, cooking for my family, getting to work on time, my asthma.. Maybe when we do too much in a day, we will become agitated. Cut back on work.. That doesn't mean become lazy. But do only a reasonable amount of work. Don't try being a superwoman. Especially women suffer from this "I want to be a superwoman, supermom, superwife, supermodel" issues. Men probably don't suffer as much. Do we need to be SUPER in everything? It's ok to be an average person too.

So, if you're stressed, agitated and angry most of the time - please join a meditation class and take it seriously. It's a lifestyle change and you will be thankful for that. If you can take a break from work, do that and set yourself right. Align your priorities, emotions, etc. This took me like a year.I lost a year's salary but I have become a more manageable person. I have less work load - which adds to my calmness. So, try that. Outsource some tasks, cut back on work. Spend time in pure silence. No TV, no internet, no mobiles, no books. Just sit and brood about yourself and why you behaved the way you behave. Find triggers for bad moods. Be aware of it when it occurs again. Being aware of triggers helps - for anything from depression to food cravings to migraine.
Once you spot the trigger you can arm yourself to counter it in the best possible way.

Another thing - stop comparing yourself with others. It's a huge gift you'll be giving yourself. Your neighbour's life is soooooooooo different than yours. Their mindset, capabilities and family situations are so different from yours. So, no 1 people can actually compare themselves. It's one of the worst concepts on earth. Even 2 siblings or twins are not the same. So, once you stop comparing you are more happy. Set your own goals and reach for them. Not your neighbour's goals. If you do the reverse your gonna be chasing unrealistic stuff always. Your neighbour earns 2 crores and goes to Europe every year. You earn 5 lacs - can you do the same? So, just concentrate on yourself, your behaviour pattern, moods and emotions. Work on becoming better in these aspects.

Once these things fall in place, you're much calmer. You accept yourself..your spouse and children and traffic..the anger reduces...and you will one day be bouncing your joy. No derailment can then affect you.

http://debunkingconsciousness.blogspot.in/2012/02/is-calmness-peace-they-key-to-make-you.html

http://blog.ishafoundation.org/lifestyle/to-sleep-or-not-to-sleep/

http://blog.ishafoundation.org/lifestyle/dont-plan-your-life-away/

(This looks like Sadhguru's blog now. I guess I am becoming too emotional and philosophical.)

Down with the shopping bug

Shopaholic women: One who buys more handbags, more lipsticks, more shoes, more clothes, more watches, more of everything. I know why women shop. It burns calories! REVENGE: It helps burn a hole in hubby's pocket (good punishment for not keeping THE WIFE happy in the first place).

Looks like even a boring person like me can be taken in for such things.
I was wandering around yday to while away time and stop myself from eating food :-) Effect: I ended up coveting some things. Ever since my husband gifted me a grand Titan Raga watch, I started visiting Titan watch stores more :-)
Y'day I entered a Titan shop as it showed 40% sale. I ended up liking a really costly but classic watch. So, looks like this shopping bug has finally caught me.

The big day..

After a week or more of breaking my head about what to do - power yoga or gym, I finally joined classes run by a physiotherapist, Dr Gladson. He trains marathon runners and he has helped a lot of people get back on their toes.
So, today I signed up and started.
The gym is new and no one was there, so it was very nice. It may remain this way for quite some time, much to my advantage.
What we did:
stretches - for neck, legs, hands.
Treadmill - 7 mins
cycling - 17 mins
Cross trainer - 10 mins.

I was finding it hard to correct my posture at the cross trainer. Due to that I went really slow. I am not really counting calories now. Maybe I should take it easy. First get my muscles to work for me and take it a notch high each week.

So far, looks good. I think I should sleep in peace, now that I have taken a small step. Also, I am able to bring my food to 1800 cals last 2 days. That is added joy.
I was struggling to bring down the calories and really had to think in multiple angles.

I pray that the whole of this year, I remain this committed.

Blood sugars also turned out fantastic.
Fasting - 98 ( not great but this is how it has been for years).
PP - 91
Before lunch - 88.

So, good night to me!

The Bangalore List

List of organic stores

http://thealternative.in/environment/list-of-organic-stores-in-bangalore/

Baking supplies in Bangalore:

http://sumarowjee.blogspot.in/2010/01/whipping-cream.html

List of baking schools/ people who teach baking:

http://www.ibcablr.com/

http://lavonne.in/

http://www.mamamiaindia.com/Workshops.php

List of good patisseries (mostly around Indiranagar area):

Spoonful of sugar

Sunnys

The Cupcake Co

The Oberoi

The Red Fork (Daddy's Deli)

Herbs and Spices

Fava

Cafe Noir

Habenaro - tried their Churros - amazing.

Breadworks

Bread Talk ( tried the one in Hyd. Love the butter smell at the shop)

New ones:

Patisserie Nitash (http://www.nitash.in/)

Delices (http://delices.in/)

Amande (http://amande.co.in/)

My cuppa:

Costa Coffee

Bistro Claytopia

The Coffee Bean and Tea leaf Co

Where To Get That Perfect Plum Cake (list compiled by FOOD LOVERS mag):

With the season of indulgence right around the corner, Food Lovers rounds up a list of home bakers who whip up plum cakes tailor-made to get you in the festive spirit.

1. Leela D’Souza & Michelle Gafoor
The mother-daughter duo has been baking delicious plum cakes for years now, following a family recipe that has been handed down over several generations. They believe that “good ingredients and absolutely no compromise on quality” makes their plum cakes special. Their cakes are known for being incredibly moist, and can last for up to six months. Each kilo is priced at Rs 650, with half kilo options available too.
To place orders, call Michelle Gafoor on 98450-92630 or Leela D’Souza on 2546-9823

2. Sini Thomas of Homemade Delite
Sini Thomas was a home baker for many years, before she started taking orders for her plum cakes in 2008. She makes two kinds of cake – the first using the traditional liquor-boiled fruits, and the other minus the alcohol. She says that “the spice mix, butter and fruits make all the difference” when it comes to her cakes, which are priced at Rs 500 per kilo.
To place orders, mail Sini Thomas at homemade.delite@gmail.com

3. Lorraine Correa
Lorraine Correa, a well-known name in the plum cake business, soaks her fruits right at the beginning of the year for that burst of flavour. But she insists her secret is the care she puts in while making the cakes. She explains, “I was a nurse by profession, and started making cakes for my older patients as I realised they didn't really have anyone to bake for them.”Her cakes are priced at Rs 600 a kilo, and come in half kilo options as well.
Call Lorraine Correa at 98452-63597 to place orders.

4. Marina Charles
Marina Charles’s baking days began from when she was a child, when she used to help her mother make sugary treats. Her cakes are made following a family recipe, which includes a unique spice mix and year-old fruits soaked in rum and caramel syrup, which are “stored in a ceramic container and stirred once a year,” she reveals. Her cakes are priced at Rs. 475 a kilo.
To place orders, call Marina Charles at 9379398865.

5. Geetha Krishnan, The Fragrant Kitchen
Geetha Krishnan offers rich plum cake with fondant for the season. The experienced baker uses a family recipe that doesn't work if “it’s not made from the heart,” she quips. Her cakes are priced at Rs 500 per kilo.
To place orders, email Geetha Krishnan at orders@fragrantkitchen.in

Will add some more lists after scanning previous issues of FOOD LOVERS.

Fitness Battle

So, more than 10 days Fitness and health are the only thing I think of. So much that I can't sleep. I dread early mornings. I wake up hungry. I need a hearty breakfast. It takes up a huge portion of my daily calories. I'm struggling to keep my calorie intake at 1800. Yes, I know. That's like an Elephant on diet for some of you who feel 1000 calories is too much. I have a good appetite (even without any exercise). So, I can't help it. So, whole night I think of only 1800 calories and whether I can make it the next day or not.
It's necessary to be this obsessed, else I will fail soon. I want to be obsessed the whole year and bring my weight to acceptable levels and fitness to an all time high. I'm weighing everything that I eat. I am trying to weak my food to make me fuller with less calories. I'm posting calorie charts all over the house. I'm reading about the DASH diet and ZONE diet. I'm learning how to bulk up my food with proteins. It's a lot of work. So far I am on the right path. If I continue this way for a year and start off my exercise as planned today, I should be good. God! Please please help me this time. I'm serious. I'm done being fat. I'm done being unhealthy. I've seen enough hospitals in my short lifetime. So - please shower the weight loss blessing on me, like you did for 344 pounder.

Appreciating others

This one is not about oneself. It's totally for others.
I had to write this after viewing Airtel super singer T20.
A TV program and such complicated thoughts? Yes.

This was a cricket style match. Teams were formed and matches played.
What I learnt from that ?
Atleast in South India, people SEEM to be appreciating each other. Whenever a singer sang well, the opposing teams, his own team members, the audience and the judges expressed their joy and love and praise so openly and honestly.
You might dismiss this as a gimmick, but I could find out that it was genuine. They cheer for each other and more than individual performances, I found the team games brought in more of the singers because they used up what was best in each other. They used their strengths together to succeed. They consoled each other when their singing didn't live up to the mark and the judges had scored them low. I saw everything - all kinds of emotions in the singers and a matuirity far surpassing their age.

I have a knack of reading people (which has failed me quite a lot of times)..
But - this one was true. Same with me, when I saw children and youngsters sing, my heart was filled with joy and eyes with tears. I had seen many of them through years and what I enjoyed the most was how they had grown. How they had worked so hard to shape their voice and master the sea of music.I appreciate people who work hard more than those born with talent. If you're blessed with a beautiful voice, your journey may be easier. If you're not, your journey is tougher. So, when people have started with really unpolished voices but end up being great singers I can't but share their success and celebrate for them.

This is the same reason why I find appreciating someone's beauty superficial. (See, beauty has to figure in every post. Loser! Loser!). Because, one's beauty, skin and body type are determined by genetics. There's nothing much you do for your looks. But, if you're beautiful and talented in some way, I'd appreciate you.

Y'day I met an architect neighbour of mine. I had hardly spoken to her earlier. She's one of the prettiest women around and I believe extremely rich. When I went to her place and saw her work I was dumb founded. She and her husband worked for 7 years to recreate the Puru Jagannath temple at Hyderabad. They are now doing around 400 crores worth malls. She showcased her works and explained in detail about her projects. She looked like a woman who knew her job in and out. She was very smart. I was proud of her. I like women who know everything about their job, who excel at what they do. It makes me proud of my fraternity. So, cheers to more excellent women and talented people!

Another thing I learnt in my corporate life is - most projects derail because we all work against each other. If everyone followed the singular goal of making a good product, making the company more profitable - that would not happen. In our selfish pursuits we trample others. In a bid to establish our superiority we criticize others work. We don't want our peers to succeed. Only we should succeed. This mentality derails projects and delays them. This lack of co-operation and lack of appreciation is what most companies need to address. If we accept who we are and how talented we are and also accept that many others are more talented than us and there is nothing we can do about it, we'd be in a happy space. We should strive to make each other better - through feedback, tutoring, mentoring and reviews. If we all strive to do that - we can all sleep peacefully each night. We know that when we are sick, our colleagues will help us. When we have bad days our boss will understand. When our children fall sick someone will take over. Isn't that wonderful?

Bosses should know the strengths and weaknesses of each team member. They need to invest time understanding the team so that they can leverage each one to the best. They should not set unrealistic deadlines. They should be smart enough to assess timelines for each task. When the team is in crisis they should fight for the team. They should boost team morale. They should stand up for the team and the team should stand up for the boss. They should make a plan so that everyone grows in the team. There should be mutual trust and respect which will lead to openness and honesty. My previous boss Ms Jayanthi was such an excellent example for that. We all worked hard to make her happy. We loved working under her. It's a joy I may probably never ever see again.

Only collaborative and co-operative environments work. All other environments are doomed. We carry home so much stress. Why?

Do you want to die of a heart attack because of job tension? So many people today are hypertensive, diabetic, obese, chain smokers, depressed and cardiac patients - due to job stress. I want to fight that battle. To make workplaces more enjoyable. To make going to work each day such a pleasure that we hate weekends. If only someone made me a manager :-)

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

How to handle confusion and lack of visibility?

So many times we don't know what to do. For me, I don't know what is the job I'd love to do and excel at.

Sometimes I feel I should do something about food-travel.

Sometimes I feel like going back to IT. I earn well and it is challenging but there are aspects which I do not like, which is why I quit in the first place. Areas where I am not the best, which leaves me heavily disappointed. I strive to be the best where I am. Slowly I am realizing that it need not be that way. It should not be that way. You just aim to give your best and leave it there.

Sometimes I feel I should get into teaching. I love teaching. I am also a good students counsellor. I love to observe children and how their mind functions, the cute things they do and say. It's the most favourite time pass for me. But, I don't know what I should teach. To teach in a college I need to do masters and a PhD.
To teach in a school I may need a B.Ed. Also right now I can only think of Computer Science, but that would mean older children. Also, with my size I can never imagine wearing a saree. That's a huge put off.

So, more than a year I am fighting this confusion. Will I ever know what my calling is? Will I die without knowing that? Will I be jobless forever because I am confused?

What do you do when you're confused - when there is limited visibility?
You choose one path which feels right at the moment. You walk that path.
It may end up being the wrong path but you can always walk back to the fork.
You accept that this was not the right path and correct and walk the other way. You do not brood over why you took this wrong path or why fate is so bad.. blah blah.. You accept that you made the decision to take this path because you lacked certain visibility. You are always wiser tomorrow than today. If I had the visibility of today and wisdom of today, I would not have done a thousand things that I did yesterday. But, fact is, yesterday I did not have that wisdom and clarity. You tried - you did not feel right, you re-orient yourself. You do this till your internal compass rests in peace in one place.

This is not just true for one's career or education, it's true with relations too. I've had some friends whose behaviour at times was so unpredictable and unacceptable to me. So, I learnt to accept what they are and made sure that I always behaved as good as I could. I did not want to err in retaliation. That would bother me for many years. I will not let anyone's shortcomings or odd behaviour change the goodness in me. That's bad. So, I behave the way I want to but I set the right expectations with that person. That way, I found my peace.

There are bad days. Days when you're thoroughly beaten up. Even the most confident person has these days. You yell at others on those days. You behave unreasonably. What to do? Well, for me, my meditation helped me significantly lower such days. Yet, there is one odd day when I go completely mad. I allow myself that luxury though that is not what I desire. I accept that I am depressed and I may end up being rude. Simply I accept. Once that mood passes away I apologize and make amends. It works almost always. But, if you work hard towards zero depression days, nothing like it. (As an afterthought, this should have been a separate post. It doesn't fit well here).

Like Sadhguru says, once we orient ourselves and become clear about who we are and what our goals are, the way others affect us, significantly reduces. We don't get derailed everytime someone sneers at us. So, it's important for us to truly understand who we are, our shortcoming, our goodness, etc and walk the path with heads held high. Regret and non-acceptance of what has happened - will take you straight to your grave on a super fast highway. Live life without regrets. Accept that you're prone to mistakes. If you slip and fall while receiving your Oscar, do you want to let that ruin the fact that you actually won an Oscar?

Letting someone's emotions affect yours

So, you step out of the house. Let's say you hire an auto. The autowallah is irritated and behaves badly. You either get out or put up with it. Don't let it affect you. You're happily listening to songs and cleaning the house. Your spouse comes home with a bad mood. You want that to affect you? You were doing well before he/she came. Then why become sad to give them company? To not get affected by other's emotions or behaviour is quite an art. It's one of the most important things one needs to learn. We come in touch with countless people each day. They are in their own worlds. Let us not let that affect us. Before you step out, reiterate that you're a confident and happy person. Feel chirpy. Step out. That itself is job half done. Then, when the lousy ones come, learn to identify them. As soon as you identify you can arm yourself. You put a wall between the person's emotions and yours. You exit in the same state as you entered :-)

Monday, January 21, 2013

Travel blogs/pictures and food blogs that I liked!

Food and Travel Programmes:
http://www.lifestylefood.com.au/shows/trishs-french-country-kitchen/recipes.aspx

http://goodtimes.ndtv.com/News_Details.aspx?SubcatDetails=Luxury,697

All things food!

So, you know that I am a foodie. I read food blogs, food magazines and everything food. So, due to this new found "world cuisine in a page, at my home" magazines, I have learnt some new ingredients.
I made a wish list sometime ago about what all I would like to try:

Spanish saffron
Pure kashmir saffron

Middle eastern spices.
Dried rose petals
Orange blossom

Truffle oil

French Butter (I have used Elle Wire available in India. How French is it actually?)
Provencal Veggies - the tomatoes, pumpkins, fresh fennel! I am dead.
Macaroons! ( I want to learn to make beautiful macaroons)

Pure maple syrup
Great cocoa powder. (Hershey's is what I have been able to get hold of so far)
Madagascar vanilla

good chocolate - callebaut, ghiradelli, valrhona (I did try Callebaut and it didn't give in well to melting)
Bourbon vanilla (Yes, I did get one but nothing amazing about it)
Sun dried tomatoes (Bought one at Costco - was drenched in oil and so threw it)
Dry porcini/ oyster mushrooms.
Parmesan cheese. (Have tried the varieties at Spar, Food Hall, Nature's basket and really loved it on sesame lavash crackers).

Kahlua
Amaretti, Tiramisu
Tia Maria
Different olive oils

Pastas and pizzas - authentic Italian.

Varieties of coffee and french vanilla cafe. ( I instantly fell in love with Bru exotica Guatamela. Never did I realize that coffee could be such an elixir! I wish to try other flavours - Colombia, Brazil, Kilimanjaro, etc)

To be honest, many times my quest for great ingredients has ended in disappointment. The pure vanilla extract and callebaut did not kick in a punch.
So many of these exotic ingredients have let me down. So, I am cautious now while I buy. I may not end up liking what I buy! I still prefer farm fresh tomatoes, carrots, herbs and fresh fruits to these exotic looking, fancily named, exotically packaged, super exorbitantly prices products! Maybe I have learnt my lesson. But since I took the pains to make a list, I am posting it here.

Things I'd love to do

Fitness goals:

Get so fit that I can:

trek to Kailash, Manasarovar.

do white water rafting.

run a marathon - actually figures first in my list.

participate in exciting games which require a high level of fitness.

Basically become a woman with endless energy. I somehow visualize Gul Panag when I think of this. When I see fit people (not thin, fit people who probably spend hours toning their bodies) and see marathoners, I go wow! I aspire to have that kind of body - purely for health reasons. My body has taken so much on my behalf. I have probably abused it a bit by eating without discretion while I was in my 20s and not exercising. It's time I treat it with care and respect. Your body is such an amazing vehicle. You better treat it with care.

Other goals:

Read more.

Dress presentably when I step out and even when I'm at home.

Spend wisely.

Get into a job that I'll love, pays well and grow to the top.

Do something that will make a difference to people's lives.

Reduce wastage and recycle. Nowadays, unless when I'm eating out, I do not waste food. Also stocking and throwing old veggies and fruits is minimal.

Watch what I talk - do not give more info than necessary or hurt someone unknowingly or waste energy giving advice to people who won't change.

Spend more time in silence - reduce thoughts.. Stay empty.

Develop discipline. Make a schedule and follow it.

Learn music. I dream or rather wish that I had a good voice. The only thing I covet in some singers is their voice. I don't care if you owned a Porsche or a rare diamond. A soothing voice is my dream.When I see singers on stage - overlooking a massive audience cheering for them, I go OOOOOO!

Can I learn to stitch my own clothes? That would be the most unachievable goal for me. I hate the way people stitch clothes for me.

I have this dream of making a movie - a sensible yet entertaining movie - like Alaipayuthey or Taare Zameen Par. Someday probably.

Learn to live happily with my father. We're poles apart.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Abusing one's beauty

I have this question on mind, the last few days.
Let's say I am talented and intelligent and extremely beautiful. I meet a lot of people and many of them have a crush on me. I too end up having a crush on some of them. I try A. I have fun. I find some faults. I break up.
I then try B. While I am still trying B, I see C - who seems even more attractive.
I ditch B and I am try C.
I see this happening a lot. Again, people may think that someone like me has no idea to be in their spot. Sure, I will never understand. But, as a human, I have some opinions.
When you form a relation - something that's more than an acquaintance - some commitment is there - isn't it based on some core value match? On some level you like each other. Is it right to ditch this person because you found someone with more matches? How long can you continue this way? Does it not harm you in some way? I don't even care about the image problem. Who cares what someone thinks of me. But, how is this kind of culture going to affect me? Does it mean I am not serious about my relations? Am I frivolous? Am I getting greedy?
Am I insatiable? Will I ever have a long lasting relation (even friendship)?
Do I even need one? I have all these questions.
I am brought up in a certain way so I may be rigid. I may not myself try these things. But, I am open to someone trying provided it does not alter their nature beyond repair. I am reminded of Deepika's character in Karthik calling Karthik. I remember how she felt after so many relations. Is that how one ends up feeling?
Are we abusing our youth and beauty by doing so? What will happen once I grow old and no one finds me attractive? Is this what happens to many yester year leading stars causing life long depression? I have no clue! But, I will empathise with such people.

My thoughts on marriage

I fell in love and I have quite the "happily ever after" dream marriage. Sometimes even the happiest dreams do have problems. After a lot of thought, I do feel that due to the expectations we thrust on a marriage, most marriages are bound to fail.
You have 2 individuals who, due to different reasons choose to share the rest of their lives together. You're bound to run into so many issues along the way. Both of them need to change themselves a bit to have a happy co-existence. The changes usually would be for your benefit and will not appear as a burden.
You learn to care about the spouse and do things to make them happy. All the while you don't feel burdened. You feel happy to see them happy.

But - I do feel that marriage is too overloaded. We expect emotional bonding...financial settlement.. children.. physical intimacy.. adjustment with families... adjustment to cultures... food.. too much. On some areas we can improve a lot. In some we may fail.

I, for one have never understood certain cultural aspects of my spouse's family. It is a stark contrast to my family. For my upbringing certain things seem extremely unreasonable and illogical. The best I can do is, hide my true feelings from my spouse, so as not to hurt him. But, occasionally my true feelings do come out - as facial expressions! And - that begins a certain war at home. Imagine - we are 2 people who are totally in sync with each other's emotions and expectations. But this inability of mine to see his family the same way as he sees - wreaks havoc in my marriage. It makes me more bitter towards his family and truth be told, it has definitely changed my level of closeness with my spouse because I feel he has become too demanding.

As an individual I am entitled to my own set of opinions about things. If my parents were to do the same things as my in-laws do, I would not spare a single rough word. I would curse them, blame them and tell them they are wrong. So, there is no partiality here. My spouse has seen aspects of his parents which I have never ever seen. So, that brings a different connect and emotional attachment for him. How can I be expected to do the same? I have understood that I am what I am. The way I see things are based on my grooming as an individual. I will continue to be the same but I shall hide my true feelings as well as I can. Usually I empathise with people a lot. Many of my friends are surprised how I can sympathise with just about anyone. But if there is someone I cannot truly sympathise with - I need to accept that too. Yes, it is probably because that person has not behaved great with me or that person is actually not worthy of being sympathised. Whatever be the reason, since I am unable to become Mother Teresa here, I shall remain who I am and continue my hiding business and master it one day. (Well, I haveconveniently forgotten that my looks - or rather the lack of good looks, my unkempt hair and cracked feet have also wreaked enough havoc in my married life without me even realizing it. I'm 33 and now is when I know the importance of physical intimacy in a marriage. I realize how important it is to be attractive to your spouse. Late chamatkaar :-))

Marriage is the only place where two positives can make a negative :-)

Sadhguru's perception abt "should we marry?"

“Do I need to marry?” As a human being you have physical needs, emotional needs, psychological needs, social and economic needs. As an individual, how strong are your needs? Is this some kind of a passing need that you can easily go beyond? If it is, don’t get married, I’m telling you. If you find that marriage is not necessary, that’s it, once you make a decision, don’t look that way. If you make a decision to go that way, don’t look this way.

When you have fallen, you will make bad partnerships, desperate partnerships. When you are well, when you are at the peak of your life, that is when you must make a partnership which will take you through all those ups and downs.

There are various needs of a human being that propel us towards relationships – physical, emotional, psychological, economic and social.

5 tips to help you succeed

http://blog.ishafoundation.org/lifestyle/tips-for-success-success-mantra-path-to-success/

#1 Live by Intent

When you live by intent and capability, it does not matter what is happening or not happening, at least you are in control of what is happening to you. It is a more stable life. You work towards your goal but no matter what happens - you stay happy and positive.

#2 Stop Fixating on Failure

Once your mind gets organized, your emotions will get organized because the way you think is the way you feel. Once your thought and emotion are organized, your energies and your very body will get organized. Once all these four are organized in one direction, your ability to create and manifest what you want is phenomenal. You are the creator in many ways.

#3 Work with Clarity

What a human being needs is clarity, not confidence.Because there is no clarity, people think that confidence is a good substitute.

#4 Embrace the People and Things You Dislike

To handle different kinds of situations in our lives, we need different kinds of identities. If you are fluid about it, if you can change from one to another gracefully, then you can play your role to the hilt and still have no problem with it. But for most people, their personality is like a rock. It sits on them all the time and makes them suffer anything that does not fit into its ambit.

If you have to break that, you have to do something in reverse. This is a simple thing you can do: team up with somebody that you do not like. Spend time with that person, very lovingly, joyfully. Learn to do things that you do not like, be with people that you do not like, and still live your life sensibly, lovingly and joyfully.

#5 Drop Your Calculations

Sadhguru: There is no need to aspire to greatness. If you make the focus and ambit of your life well beyond the concerns of who you are, you will anyway be a great human being.

Is it about looking good or is it about living good?

So, last night I was thinking - how do some people manage to put in so much time and effort towards grooming and looking good. Even for actresses - doesn't it get boring to get dolled every time you step out? Even if you need to gym - you're on some makeup. Do they love it always? How important is it to look good?

Since I have not been blessed with good looking genes, nor am I the groom and try to look better kinds - I may sound cynical. I have tried a couple of times to add a dash of makeup and ended with bad skin. So, no makeup for me. I'm happy reading about makeup - no trying that stuff on my skin. I never reached a point where I felt better with a bit of makeup. So, I gave up. I felt that I looked much better in shabby hair and casual way. I made that my signature. When people dress and they look good, they have an incentive to continue doing that. For me, I felt that I was doomed to be this way. So, I slowly accepted it. I am now learning to be happy with the way I am.. I am actually very proud of myself for that. It is such a difficult thing to achieve. I deeply feel that looks are superficial. I want to concentrate on being a good human being every day. For that, I will do anything but I have no motivation to look good. I would spend 10 minutes reading some book than do something for my feet or face.

As if Sadhguru and I were thinking the same thing - here's his blog post.
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/sadhguru/spot/what-does-sadhguru-see-in-the-mirror/
The most important question to ask is, is it about looking good or is it about living good? How wonderful you feel within yourself is more important than how wonderful you look. If you are really feeling wonderful, everybody will feel wonderful in your presence. If you are blissed out, everybody who comes in touch with you, one way or the other, will begin to experience that bliss. Have you noticed that a joyful face is always a beautiful face? A blissful face is a glorious face. If you look good maybe you are a piece of art, but nothing more will happen. Sculptures can look good, art can look good, anything can – I am not saying looking good is a bad thing. All I am saying is how much time you invest on it in your life clearly tells you who you are because if you have something of substance within you, looking good will not be such a relevant thing. It doesn’t mean that I don’t take little care to look good; obviously I do. The important thing is, how much time and attention is given to looking good versus being good. Maybe I am coming up with this philosophy as I have no hope of looking good, you just have to do with what you have. Well, there are doctors who can fix the look, but it is not that important to me. So, here I am the way I am.
You see today that people can’t take their hands off their hair for a moment. This is simply because there is not enough substance. If you create enough substance within yourself, whether your hair is up like this or that does not matter; people will still love you for who you are. If you are planning to make an impact in the world either as an actor or whatever; that impact will happen because of your intensity and substance not just because of the arrangement of your hair.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Pursuit of good health and weight loss

So, I have been struggling with my weight. I was always plump. But after my chemo, I turned ino an ugly shape. I am conscious abt what I eat but my weight keep piling. I hate being this weight. I tried yoga and good diet but unfortunately I did not continue it beyond a few months. So, I regained what I lost within 6 months.

So, 2013 I need to be strict. I can't let people trample over me for being overweight. The doctors who handled me - some of them were really mean and insensitive. That hurt.

I believe in sustainability. Weight loss needs to be sustainable. So many times I have lost 8-10 kgs by the wrong methods, only to regain it soon.

I do not have the luxury of time now. My health risks scare me. I have hypertension, thyroid, PCOD and I have an impaired fasting glucose. Plus, I am trying hard to have a baby. My docs want perfect numbers before I try next time.

Anybody who knows the As of these diseases know that you need to bring your weight to normal for all these to come down.

Tyler Weeks lost 132 lbs in 1 year by following a sensible diet and gymming 5 -6 times a week. I am committed to good health more than weight loss. With this newfound commitment, can I achieve similar results?

Current weight: 237 lbs.

Target: 140-143 lbs.

Method:

Input less calories.

Burn more.

Current state:

Feeling very tired. Unable to do 3.5 kms walk. So, down to 2.5 kms.

Not doing yoga.

Watching diet and entering it into myfitnesspal. So keeping calories between 1800-2000.

BMR: 1500 calories.

Medications:
Hypertension
Sugar
Thyroid.
Can't get a more dangerous combo.

Motivators:

Loved http://www.344pounds.com/

That's the way I wanna lose weight.

Also liked http://lisamiraclediet.com/pages/miraclestory/Miracle_Menu.htm

What I have already accomplished:

How often do we reward or compliment ourselves? Me - almost never.

So, I will start with what I have achieved, before jotting what I need to do.

2012 was a good year. I left my job. I lose a lot of money but I cannot keep a job that puts me at a risk for heart attacks and strokes. I became hypertensive due to my last job and now I have to pay for that for the rest of my life. I am no longer willing to do that. I cannot afford any more health risks.

So, no job - more free time, less stress. Am slowly loving it.

Very less eating out.

Minimal unhealthy snacks. I don't bring snacks home. Mostly homemade stuff - 4 pieces vada or bajji.

No eating junk when I'm hungry. When I am hungry I eat FOOD. Food that is filling.

Limited desserts.If I feel like - I eat Nestle dark chocolate or a cup of coffee or fruit salad.

I try to add lots of salads and soups whenever possible.

I do measure what I eat.

Mostly doing rotis for dinner.

When someone offers sweets - I mostly avoid or give it away to someone.

Very less sugar consumption due to all of the above.

Eating more veggies nowadays. Earlier potato was the only vegetable.

No heavy breakfasts like pongal/ parathas.

Almost no pickles and chips.

So, my eating habits are quite good now. Occasionally I take 2 slices pizza or eat vathakozambu(which is really calorific) or binge at Sanjeevanam.

These are minor guilt trips. I'm trying to make more healthy changes.

I did learn a lot of yoga but did not follow it. I will address that soon.

But I do walk most of the days for 3.5 kms. Moderate pace.

What I need to do:

Either enroll in a gym or buy a cross trainer. Have checked some shops but price is high. I hate wearing gym clothes and coming home soaked in sweat.

But I don't want to spend so much upfront and there's no space at home. So debating which is best - home gym or gym.

Restrict calories to 1800 atleast and continue weighing and logging everything I eat.

My SURREALISTIC day should include:

1 or 2 shambavis. (30 mins each)
Cross trainer. (45 mins)
12 sets of surya namaskar. (45 mins)
3-4 hata yoga poses (15 mins)
1 sitting of infra red bed (40 mins)
Kapal bhati, Anulom vilom (20 mins)
Sukhasana + AUM chanting ( 20 mins)
Kalpavriksha meditation (30 mins)

You think it's possible? For the kind of unplanned person that I am - I can't even achieve 1 or 2 of that. Not all are physically taxing but they have pre-requisites like - no food for 4 hrs prior to this. That's a killer for me. I am feeling hungry always now. Maybe once I start my yoga, my hunger will subside to 2012 May levels. I was on such a frugal diet then and did 2:30 hrs of yoga religiously. Boy! Did I feel good and flexible then!

So, a more REALISTIC start:
1 shambavi. (30 mins)
Cross trainer - (45 mins)
6 surya namaskars. (30 mins)
1 sitting infra red bed. (40 mins)

So, 2013 - Here I come. I am better prepared than before and more committed.

My favourite magz

Last night, for some strange reason I wanted to write about my favourite magz. It's funny.. If you knew me, you'd be totally surprised what Vogue/ Marie Claire/ Elle are doing in my living room :-) Every year, like a ritual I buy some of these fashion mags to keep myself updated about new cosmetics, new luxury brands, clothes, fashion trends, etc. Maybe it's a kind of peacemaking effort. I cannot wear any cosmetic. It makes me look scary and due to the overload of chemicals my skin goes from bad to worse. I am a BIG plus size - so I can never wear anything off the shelf. My legs are so big and flat that it's difficult to find decent sandals and I can only stare.. at most of the beautiful and feminine shoes. Believe me, it feels bad sometimes to be denied even shoes, though I have never had a shoe fetish - I used to feel that atleast shoes are something I should be able to buy irrespective of my weight. But no - I am denied even that. Weight comes into picture even here. With my weight all the stilettos would go poop in an hour. Plus I'd be doing irrepairable damage to my back. So, I do feel life's unfair. I should have been more conscious as a girl - about my hair, weight and skin.. Well - did I mention hair? OK, I don't have anything to call hair. So, even though you may feel hair is something you can dress irrespective of weight, I am a bad candidate. When I had a lot of hair I used to hate it. I hate it when my hair touches my shoulder. I used to tie them up in an untidy bun always. So, god decided that I am not worthy of such a beautiful possession and he withdrew that privilege and now I can only envy women with long, beautiful hair. And, to think that once someone approached me for a hair oil ad in school.. sucks.. Why? Oh, Why have I been so out of touch with the so called idea of femininity?
There's no use brooding now. So, I shall accept my un-feminine stature and carry on with life - pursuing things that do not depend on my weight of feminine status :-)

So, here's the list of magz that I like. I may not like all the issues but once in a while, I do love them:
1) Good housekeeping
2) Lonely planet Travel Magazine
3) Vogue - yes, that's why all the rant above.
4) Occasionally a good food magazine like GoodFood / Savvy Cookbook which is no longer published.

Most of the magazines are filled with ads though :-)

The year that passed..2012

So, while 2013 has just started, I - like most newspapers do - want to recap 2012. 2012 was quite a life changing year for me. I learnt Isha yoga. I started reading a lot of Sadhguru's lectures. I had always been in awe of the man but the more I read, the more I was convinced. I even started to partially believe in things for him - like the pancha bhoothas, karma, mystic chants, pournami, amavasai etc. Most of all - one of his lines stuck to me. "edhu nadanthaalum naan aanandhamaga iruppen endra ulmana nilai vandhaal - adhu dhaan yoga". Whatever happens to you - if you consciously choose to be blissful and accept whatever happens - that's yoga. I totally agree and this thought has given me the strength to accept the things that happened last year. When a whole year's efforts - time, money, accumulated health - went towards an effort that did not bear fruit - this is what made me happy. I shall aspire for certain things and work hard to attain it, but if I do not get it, that is not going to slow me or kill me. I will accept it gracefully and start the next day as blissfully as I can.
I am greatly indebted to him. His teachings have made me more aware and conscious. I can see a SEA of change inside.. I aspire to grow in that path and make my life joyful each day and bring joy to others as well.