Yesterday I spoke to my husband and to S about my pain body; how I lived in eternal blame, in anxiety, in fear. So much that the moment I step out of home, I become anxious. My heart beat races. I find meeting new people very painful and frightening. I am frightened to take up new projects - what if I fail? What if I don't do a good job? What will others think of me? I have this image that I am very careless and I know it is genetically passed on. People around always talk about the uselessness and worthlessness of a person. Somewhere it has seeped deep into me. I am afraid of being labelled as dull, useless or non-intelligent or lazy or careless. I have made a lot of attempts to be cautious and careful, not to make mistakes, not to give others an opportunity to blame me. I am afriad to learn new things or use new gadgets. I am afraid I will end up dropping the mobile or appearing foolish in front of others. Also, I am afraid of washing glasses. I am always afraid that I will drop it and my MIL will become upset. In that fear itself I keep dropping glasses. Since I joined Hughes and had bad blameful colleagues, I have grown a negative attitude to myself. I think I am an average person and I have to work hard. If I fail, I get extremely disappointed. I have created a huge memory bank of pain - mostly at work. So, that haunts me everytime. I wonder if I will ever get a job after almost 3 years of being at home. I wonder if I can pick up new things. I wonder if I will ever be in a good job and do a good work. I wonder if my life will turn out useless. All these worries play day in and day out. My body is always in a state of trauma. Even in sleep I can feel my body traumatized.
And now that both of us are jobless, I feel what will others think. Will they think we are a stupid, useless couple? Will they think of my husband as a failure? I cannot bear that. I always like people to think very high of him - as a very caring and extremely intelligent guy. What will happen to that image that I have projected now? Will they think he's a weak person? Along with the fact that it has become extremely hard to get a job, these thoughts also plague me. So, overall there is no possibility of being in peace. I am a failure.. and now maybe even he is a failure. We're almost bankrupt. I have no great employable skills. I have emotional issues. I slip into depression too often. Even if I get a job my emotions will ensure that I cannot give it a 100%. Too much for me to bear. So, frequent collapses happen.
Yesterday when I re-read Eckhart Tolle's take on the pain body and how we energise it with negative emotions, I understood what I have been doing with myself. Also his emphasis on being in the present, led me to do some research on the past, thoughts and emotions, the power of now, etc.
I also read Osho's words on being present and somehow all of a sudden they started making more sense. I think I had a switch of consciousness. Come saturday, June 21st and I was quite a happy person. I thought that I first needed to fully accept the situation. I then needed to work on my pain body. Whatever be the monetary cost, I needed to get myself out of this on-off depression. That was the primary goal. Job or no job - being happy, being present and mindful became the goals.
I kept reading the following links and also read A Wise Heart and became mindful. I did all the mindfulness exercises prescribed. The moment I let go of my goals, I became free. The moment I accepted that we may be jobless for sometime (given today's kind of work and repetitive recessions) I could forgive us for being jobless. The moment I accepted that I will ask for help from family to help us stay afloat - my financial worries were resolved. I also made up that I will not care about my image or brood too much about being stupid. I will just be myself. I will accept whatever people think of me. I will try not to judge others.. I made up a few rules.. and it was all possible because somewhere I had hit rock bottom. I was bottoming out. I was recovering. All the seeds I'd planted, were bearing fruits. I do think my consciousness shifted to a different level this summer solstice day. And the last 2 days have been good. Maybe I did have days like this earlier but I was unconscious. But now, I am conscious. I can feel free and light in my heart. A huge burden has been lifted. I will try to come to a stable state first and then think about my goals.
I realized that I can find happiness in my current situation and if I do that, I can definitely find happiness when our situation improves. I realized that being jobless is just that.. the suffering accompanied does not have to follow. For all you know, your thoughts are not even yours. Look at Eckhart's last video and you'll know about collective mind's thoughts. It's just thoughts circulating in the same negative frequency that you're emitting. So, no need to take these thoughts seriously.
Also, I realized that all the jobs that we do, which we're so proud of, mostly are just to keep the money rolling.. so that everyone can make some money. There's no purpose or meaning in most of the jobs. Very few jobs really uplift humanity and improve human conditions. Let's take an iPhone. Does it really solve any true purpose? It just solves the ego of the creator and the user. And in between so much money gets transacted. It's good. Coz it keeps people occupied. It feeds our families. It makes us feel respected, acknowledged, etc. It makes us feel proud about ourself.
So, money and job - is not a big deal. It's good to have but not so bad in case you don't have it for a while.
So, I do guess I hit some rockbottom which took me up. I may fall down again yet my improved consciousness will not let me fall to earlier levels (I hope). After a long long time, I feel easy.. I feel free.. I feel I can breathe - that the world is not such a bad place after all. I thank everyone who helped me in this journey.
Below is a collection of articles pertaining to these, which will help us build a correct picture of how we came to be, why we behave the way we behave and what is the way out.
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/yoga-meditation/demystifying-yoga/get-a-handle-on-your-karma/
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/sadhguru/masters-words/change-your-thinking/
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/sadhguru/masters-words/the-mechanics-of-human-suffering/
http://discovermagazine.com/2013/may/13-grandmas-experiences-leave-epigenetic-mark-on-your-genes#.Ub8xcfYY3R4
Lessons:
You are a product of the past memories. The way you think and emote is controlled by all your past incarnations - from a single celled embryo to your father and mother and their behaviour, resilience and depression patterns. If this generation is going to behave, act, live and experience life
just the way the previous generation did, this is a wasted generation.
This generation should experience life in a way the previous generation
never even imagined. It can be taken to the next level of experience.
You are a recycled version of your ancestors. You look like them. You start thinking like them. You act like them. You are a minor variation of your ancestors. That's it. You are doing nothing new. You are adding to their past and that will get passed on to the future.
Psychological reality (living from your mind and thoughts) and existential reality (just using this body to be alive) are different. To "just be" is existential reality.. accepting yourself and being.
All the grand ideas you have about yourself, all the grand ideas you
have about your person are very false. This is why we told you, it is
all
maya, because the way things are playing within you is such that almost everything you do is controlled by past information. This is very powerful.
If a little distance comes between you and your body, between you and
your mind, then whatever the karma, it has no impact on you.
So many things that you do so easily, something as simple as walking on
two legs for example, is possible not just because of your bone and
muscle, but because of the memory that you carry. The body remembers how
to walk. If you forget, you cannot walk.
If you just see “What I think and feel is not so important,” if you bring this distance between you and your thought and
emotion,
they will become a conscious process. Once your thought and emotion
become a conscious process, you are free from the karmic process in many
ways. Right now, both your thought and your emotion are a compulsive
process.
Once it is a conscious process, suddenly you are empowered in
such a way that people think you are super human. This is not
superhuman, it is just being human.
Today morning, did you see that the sun came up wonderfully well? The
flowers blossomed, no stars fell down, the galaxies are functioning very
well. Everything is in order. The whole cosmos is happening wonderfully
well today but just a worm of a thought worming through your head makes
you believe it is a bad day today. Suffering is happening essentially
because most human beings have lost perspective as to what this life is
about. Their psychological process has become far larger than the
existential process, or to put it bluntly, you’ve made your petty
creation far more important than the Creator’s creation. That is the
fundamental source of all suffering. We have missed the complete sense
of what it means to be alive here.
Life is about the creation that is here, knowing it absolutely and
experiencing it the way it is; not distorting it the way you want. If
you want to move into existential reality, to put it very simply, you
just have to see that what you think is not important, what you feel is
not important. What you think has nothing to do with reality. It has no
great relevance to life. It is just chattering away with nonsense that
you have gathered from somewhere else.
Osho on being present - here and now:
http://spotitup.blogspot.in/2012/08/osho-quotes-on-moment-to-moment-living.html
http://www.oshonews.com/2013/02/osho-on-daydreaming/
A buddha is one who lives moment to moment, who does not live in the
past, who does not live in the future, who lives here now. Buddhahood is
a quality of being present here and now — and buddhahood is not a goal,
you need not wait, you can become just here and now.
Freedom means dying moment to moment to the past and living the present.
Don't live through your past experiences:
The past makes your life convenient, comfortable, because the past is
known; you are familiar with it, you are very efficient with it. But
life is never past, it is always present. The past is that which is no
more, and life is that which is. Life is always now, here, and all your
knowledge comes from the past. Trying to live the present through the
past is the way of the coward;
Living in intensity and totality in the moment creates a direction for your life:
You cannot decide direction, you can only live this moment that is available to you. By living it, direction arises.
Dissolve your ego (thoughts):
If one lives passionately, the ego dissolves. It is like when a dancer goes on and on dancing: a moment comes when only the dance remains and the dancer disappears.
Everything simply is, for no reason at all. Everything simply is utterly
absurd. If this is understood, then where is the hurry, and for what?
Then you start living moment to moment. live it in its totality. And don’t try to sacrifice it for any other
moment that is going to come in the future. Live it for its own sake.
Don't care about your image or ideologies, live however you are:
You are simply living moment to moment, not according to some future
idea of yourself, but according to your reality that is herenow. To live
with the reality, moment to moment, is to be sane. To live with the
idea is to be insane.
The unconscious man needs a certain idea of ‘I’, otherwise he will be
without a centre. He does not know his real centre. He has to invent a
false centre so that he can at least function in the world, otherwise
his functioning will become impossible. He needs a certain idea of ‘I’. So because we don’t know the real ‘I’ we substitute it by a false ‘I’ – something invented, composite.
Don't try to be perfect, just try to be real, total and relaxed:
Perfectionism is a sort of madness; only mad people try to be perfectionists. Sane people never try to be perfectionists.
Learn stillness, reflect life:
Learn sitting silently — become a mirror. Silence makes a mirror out of
your consciousness, and then you function moment to moment. You reflect
life.
Nobody, not even you yourself, knows what is going to happen in the next moment. You start living moment to moment. Stop planning.
If you know already where you are going you are dead. Then life runs in
a mechanical way. A life should be a flow from the known towards the
unknown.
You are nothing but your past. What are you? Just a collection of the
past. Drop your past, and you are not. The ego is nothing but a
collective name for your whole past;
There is no goal of life, for the simple reason that life is its own goal.
Collect yourself from every dimension and direction. Be concentrated
herenow, and in that single moment you will be able to know life in its
eternity.
Unless a man is happy, simply happy, for no reason at all, unless a man
is mad enough to be happy without any reason, a man is not going to be
happy ever. You will always find something destroying your happiness.
You will always find something missing, something absent.
Eckhart Tolle:
http://www.eckharttolle.com/article/The-Power-Of-Now-Spirituality-And-The-End-Of-Suffering
http://www.eckharttolle.com/article/Awakening-Your-Spiritual-Lifes-Purpose
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/sadhguru/spot/beyond-meaning/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KopmSpe33Eg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWFVi1cPUZo
To make money, to gather knowledge, to learn a new skill, to explore new
territory, even to get from A to B – for all these things you need
time. For almost everything you need time, except for one thing: to
embrace the present moment.
Many people live with a tormentor in their head that continuously attacks and punishes them and drains them of vital energy.
I would say about 80 to 90 percent of most people’s thinking is not only
repetitive and useless, but because of its dysfunctional and often
negative nature, much of it is also harmful.
It causes a serious leakage of vital energy. This kind of compulsive
thinking is actually an addiction. What characterizes an addiction?
Quite simply this: you no longer feel that you have the choice to stop.
It seems stronger than you. It also gives you a false sense of pleasure,
pleasure that invariably turns into pain.
Thinking, or more precisely identification with thinking, gives rise to and maintains the ego.
Negative states of mind, such as anger, resentment, fear, envy, and jealousy, are products of the ego.
It needs enemies because it defines its identity through separation.
Emotion arises at the place where mind and body meet. It is the body’s
reaction to your mind — or you might say, a reflection of your mind in
the body. For example, an attack thought or a hostile thought will
create a buildup of energy in the body that we call anger. The body is
getting ready to fight. The thought that you are being threatened,
physically or psychologically, causes the body to contract, and this is
the physical side of what we call fear. Research has shown that strong
emotions even cause changes in the biochemistry of the body.
The pain-body is my term for the accumulation of old emotional pain that
almost all people carry in their energy field. I see it as a
semi-autonomous psychic entity. It consists of negative emotions that
were not faced, accepted, and then let go in the moment they arose.
These negative emotions leave a residue of emotional pain, which is
stored in the cells of the body. The pain-body has a dormant stage and an active stage. Periodically it
becomes activated, and when it does, it seeks more suffering to feed on.
If you are not absolutely present, it takes over your mind and feeds on
negative thinking as well as negative experiences such as drama in
relationships. This is how it has been perpetuating itself throughout
human history. Another way of describing the pain-body is this: the
addiction to unhappiness. Every negative thought has a similar frequency to the pain-body and so feeds it. It cannot feed on positive thoughts. We release it by cutting the link between the pain-body and our thought
processes, so that we no longer feed the pain-body with our thinking.
Every pain-body contains a great deal of fear, since fear is the
primordial negative emotion. How do we deal with that? Here again, you
recognize it for what it is: the pain-body, an accumulation of old
emotion. Once you recognize it, it cannot take over your mind, feed on
your negative thoughts, and control your internal dialogue as well as
what you say and do. Once the pain-body has come up, don't fight or
resist it. It is part of the "isness" of the present moment with which
you always need to be in inner alignment. So you allow it to be there.
If you don't feed it anymore, it loses its energy charge and the
negative emotion undergoes transmutation.
"The pain-body consists of trapped life-energy that has split off from
your total energy field and has temporarily become autonomous through
the unnatural process of mind identification"
So you see and judge the present through the eyes of the past and get a totally distorted view of it.
By dwelling mentally on the situation, event, or person that is the
perceived cause of the emotion, the thought feeds energy to the emotion,
which in turn energizes the thought pattern, and so on.
Usually,
the future is a replica of the past. Superficial changes are
possible, but real transformation is rare and depends upon whether you
can become present enough to dissolve the past by accessing the power of
the Now. Many people still live trapped in old
dysfunctional mind-sets that continuously
re-create the same nightmarish
reality.
If your mind carries a heavy burden of past, you will experience more of
the same.
The past perpetuates itself through lack of presence. The
quality of your consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future.
Look closely and you will find that your thinking and behavior are designed to keep the pain going, for yourself and others.
To be identified with your mind is to be trapped in time: the compulsion
to live almost exclusively through memory and anticipation. This
creates an endless preoccupation with past and future and an
unwillingness to honor and acknowledge the present moment and allow it
to be. The compulsion arises because
the past gives you an identity and
the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whatever
form. Both are illusions.
This is my secret,” he said. “I don’t mind what happens.
Does it matter whether we achieve our outer purpose, whether we succeed
or fail in the world? It will matter to you as long as you haven't
realized your inner purpose. After that,
the outer purpose is just a
game that you may continue to play simply because you enjoy it. It is
also possible to fail completely in your outer purpose and at the same
time totally succeed in your inner purpose. Or the other way around,
which is actually more common: outer riches and inner poverty, or to
"gain the world and lose your soul," as Jesus puts it. Ultimately, of
course, every outer purpose is doomed to "fail" sooner or later, simply
because it is subject to the law of impermanence of all things. The
sooner you realize that your outer purpose cannot give you lasting
fulfillment, the better. When you have seen the limitations of your
outer purpose, you give up your unrealistic expectation that it should
make you happy, and you make it subservient to your inner purpose.
The mind unconsciously loves problems because they give you an
identity of sorts.
The human mind loves its problems.
The ego does not want an end to its “problems” because they are part of
its identity. If no one will listen to my sad story, I can tell it to
myself in my head, over and over, and feel sorry for myself, and so have
an identity as someone who is being treated unfairly by life or other
people, fate or God. It gives definition to my self-image, makes me into
someone, and that is all that matters to the ego.
Resentment is the emotion that goes with complaining and the mental
labeling of people and adds even more energy to the ego. Resentment
means to feel bitter, indignant, aggrieved, or offended. You resent
other people’s greed, their dishonesty, their lack of integrity, what
they are doing, what they did in the past, what they said, what they
failed to do, what they should or shouldn’t have done. The ego loves it.
Instead of overlooking unconsciousness in others,
you make it into
their identity. Who is doing that? The unconsciousness in you, the ego.
Sometimes the “fault” that you perceive in another isn’t even there. It
is a total misinterpretation, a projection by a mind conditioned to see
enemies and to make itself right or superior. At other times, the fault
may be there, but by focusing on it, sometimes to the exclusion of
everything else, you amplify it. And what you react to in another, you
strengthen in yourself.
As soon as something is perceived, it is named, interpreted, compared
with something else, liked, disliked, or called good or bad by the
phantom self, the ego.
If you can be absolutely comfortable with not knowing who you are, then
what's left is who you are -- the Being behind the human, a field of
pure potentiality rather than something that is already defined.
When you fully accept that you don't know, you actually enter a state of
peace and clarity that is closer to who you truly are than thought
could ever be. Defining yourself through thought is limiting yourself.
Be a nobody:
If you are content with being nobody in particular, content not to stand
out, you align yourself with the power of the universe. What looks like
weakness to the ego is in fact the only true strength.
Nonresistance, nonjudgment, and nonattachment are the three aspects of true freedom and enlightened living.
Accept — then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if
you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.
Not what you do, but how you do what you do determines whether you are fulfilling your destiny.
Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution
of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need?
Because this is the experience you are having at this moment.
You are awareness, disguised as a person.
When you no longer perceive the world as hostile, there is no more fear,
and when there is no more fear, you think, speak and act differently.
The psychological condition of fear is divorced from any concrete and
true immediate danger. It comes in many forms: unease, worry, anxiety,
nervousness, tension, dread, phobia, and so on. This kind of
psychological fear is always of something that might happen, not of
something that is happening now.
Consciousness is a vast ocean and thinking is the
waves & ripples on the surface of the ocean. Every wave & ripple has a very short lived life - it is very fleeting
Do
not identify with your thoughts - continued identification with the
stream of thinking leads to a very serious dysfunction in ones sense of
identity...
The ego says, ‘I shouldn’t have to suffer,’ and that thought makes you
suffer so much more. It is a distortion of the truth, which is always
paradoxical. The truth is that you need to say yes to suffering before
you can transcend it.
Thinking is only a small aspect of consciousness. Thought cannot exist
without consciousness, but consciousness does not need thought.
Be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behavior. You are beneath the
thinker. You are the stillness beneath the mental noise. You are the
love and joy beneath the pain.
You don't have a life. Anything you have, can be lost. You ARE life.
In essence, you are neither inferior nor superior to anyone. True
self-esteem and true humility arise out of that realization. In the
eyes of the ego, self-esteem and humility are contradictory. In truth,
they are one and the same.
When someone criticizes you, blames you, or calls you names, instead of
immediately retaliating or defending yourself – do nothing. Allow the
self-image to remain diminished and become alert to what that feels like
deep inside you. For a few seconds, it may feel uncomfortable, as if
you had shrunk in size. Then you may sense an inner speciousness that
feels intensely alive. You haven't been diminished at all. In fact,
you have expanded. You may then come to an amazing realization: When
you are seemingly diminished in some way and remain in absolute
non-reaction, not just externally but also internally, you realize that
nothing real has been diminished, that
through becoming “less,” you
become more.
When you no longer defend or attempt to strengthen the
form of yourself, you step out of identification with form, with mental
self-image. Through becoming less (in the ego’s perception), you in
fact undergo an expansion and make room for Being to come forward. True
power, who you are beyond form, can then shine through the apparently
weakened form.
Don't look for peace. Don't look for any other state than the one you
are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious
resistance.
The philosopher Descartes believed he had found the most fundamental
truth when he made his famous statement: "I think, therefore I am." He
had, in fact, given expression to the most basic error: to equate
thinking with Being and identity with thinking. The compulsive thinker,
which means almost everyone, lives in a state of apparent separateness,
in an insanely complex world of continuous problems and conflict, a
world that reflects the ever-increasing fragmentation of the mind.
Fulfill me, make me happy, make me feel safe, tell me who I am. The
world cannot give you those things, and when you no longer have such
expectations, all self created suffering comes to an end.
When faced with a radical crisis, when the old way of being in the
world, of interacting with each other and with the realm of nature
doesn't work anymore, when survival is threatened by seemingly
insurmountable problems, an individual life-form -- or a species -- will
either die or become extinct or rise above the limitations of its
condition through an evolutionary leap.
Whatever you do takes time, and yet it is always now. So while your inner
purpose is to negate time, your outer purpose necessarily involves future and
so could not exist without time. But it is always secondary.
Whenever you become anxious or stressed, outer purpose has taken over, and you lost sight
of your inner purpose. You have forgotten that your state of consciousness is
primary, all else secondary.
On a deeper level
you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a joyous energy behind what you do.
Once you have identified with some form of negativity, you do not want
to let it go, and on a deeply unconscious level, you do not want
positive change. It would threaten your identity as a depressed, angry
or hard-done by person. You will then ignore, deny or sabotage the
positive in your life. This is a common phenomenon.
Not to be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction, but we don't
realize this because almost everyone is suffering from it, so it is
considered normal. This incessant mental noise prevents you from finding
that realm of inner stillness that is inseparable from Being.
The moment you start watching the thinker, a higher level of
consciousness becomes activated. You then begin to realize that
there is
a vast realm of intelligence beyond thought, that thought is only a
tiny aspect of that intelligence.
Living up to an image that you have of yourself or that other people have of you is inauthentic living.
If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place. Primary reality is within;
When your inner dependency on form is gone, the general conditions of
your life, the outer forms, tend to improve greatly. Things, people, or
conditions that you thought you needed for your happiness now come to
you with no struggle or effort on your part, and you are free to enjoy
and appreciate them - while they last. All those things, of course, will
still pass away, cycles will come and go, but with dependency gone
there is no fear of loss anymore. Life flows with ease.
As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease.
All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and
denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry - all
forms of fear - are caused by too much future, and
not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms
of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.
Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that
space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.
Give up defining yourself - to yourself or to others. You won't die. You
will come to life. And don't be concerned with how others define you.
When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it's their
problem. Whenever you interact with people, don't be there primarily as a
function or a role, but as the field of conscious Presence. You can
only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that
you are.
One thing we can do is to notice the little things all around us, paying
attention to details such as the birds in the trees and the flowers in
the garden or the park—just notice the beauty everywhere, even the
smallest things. To notice seemingly insignificant things requires
alertness. That alertness is the key. It is the unconditioned. It is
consciousness itself. Another helpful practice is to watch the breath,
and breathe consciously. If we are paying attention to our breath, we
cannot be thinking of anything else at the same time.
In fact, breath, because it has no form as such, has traditionally been equated with spirit, the formless One Life.
The desire to become a better person is usually to do with wanting to
improve how I feel about myself, how I see myself, or how I am seen by
others. It is to do with mental image-making, that is to say, ego. Spiritual realization is the discovery that you don't need to add
anything to yourself in order to be yourself fully. You don't need to
try to become good. Just allow the goodness in you to come out.
"A true spiritual teacher does not have anything to teach in the
conventional sense of the word, does not have anything to give or add to
you, such as new information, beliefs, or rules of conduct. The only
function of such a teacher is to help you remove that which separates
you from the truth ... The words are no more than signposts."
