Call it stereotypes or social conditioning, it's a nagging thing. Something that confuses you eternally.
These conditionings rid you of true moments.. true joy and take you far away from the quest for truth and pretty far away from who you actually are and what you COULD have become, had you followed your heart. We follow the herd in fear of being left out or disapproved and lead a hectic but seemingly meaningless life. Every gender, every caste and everything has a certain stereotype. eg: If you're a tambrahm, you're supposed to have a good degree and probably you're a doctor or an engineer. Else, when your parents meet their relatives at functions, they have to hang their heads in shame. I wonder... does it make any difference - me being the 1 millionth TamBrahm software engineer or being the first idli shop owner?
Of late, I have this huge urge to get back to work. I want to land up in a good place..have a certain standing in the society...be at a respectable place. I feel that being educated, I should work for my daily needs. I cannot accept myself being a homemaker, not that it's an easy task. It's more difficult than working for someone, in the sense that there is no time limit for a home maker - plus she does not get paid - plus the society definitely doesn't value her as much as a working woman. People may say they want non-working wives, but they seem to value working woman.
I joined engineering without really knowing what it was. It could get me to a certain distance. At many times I felt that I was not passionate about it. Now, at this age, I have to do some soul searching. The past 2 years I have been trying to see what is it that I'd like to do. What is that job for which I'll wake up every morning with passion? It's stressful, believe me. Having to start over afresh in your mid 30s - is a challenge. I am going to take it up. I know that the path is fraught with obstacles and it seems that a large depressing phase looms right up. But, I want to work to enhance my own self worth and feel confident about myself. The identification we have with our jobs is a faulted idea to begin with but I am unable to break out of it. It should be perfectly ok for someone to choose not to work, if one has the luxury, but I, cannot fall into that. I am not able to accept myself as a non working woman. That itself is a huge flaw. This is one stereotype that I need to break out of. It has destroyed many nights sleep.
Two: Women need to look beautiful. They need to dress up and look appealing to the men folk.
I think these two stereotypes play a lot on me. My life was pretty good, till folks at my previous company so unknowingly thrust the "beautiful women are appreciated more" - stereotype on me. The kind of comments guys pass should make you puke. I clearly remember these folks commenting on a little fat lady wearing a saree. I was so affected by the comment that I was really wondering, if I choose to wear a saree I should be prepared to face such comments. Also, there was another really thin woman, whom they called "peeche se Aishwarya, aage se dracula". She was not great to look at, it seems. And to top it all, the characters making these comments, are not even average joes. What gives them the right to pass such comments? I guess it's ok for women to start commenting on men and make them feel odd like they make women feel. Only then they will understand the pain. I see so many useless fellows passing so many comments on women on the road, etc. You should see their faces. Luckily I have not observed men so much or cared for men at all. If I had started these worries in my teens by now I'd have had a heart attack.
This trend of evaluating women for looks is really disturbing. I think all this seeped pretty deeply into me. It was a nightmare going to work, knowing that someone is judging you all the time. Ignorance was bliss, in this matter. Also, one should not care about what others say. Everyone will have something to say, some nice, some hurtful. As humans we do tend to value such things but when as a society we are so ill mannered and judgmental and immature, it doesn't make sense to take any of the comments seriously. But, I was at a wrong phase when I was with these people. I took these things seriously. Whatever they said about others I applied it on myself too. It has affected me so much, so unknowingly that now it's a menace. I really started suffering from low self-esteem because of this. I don't know when and how I can come out of that. I was doing pretty good till I knew these little facts about men and women and the whole wooing game.
A lot of the things we do, are unconsciously to meet certain societal needs and stereotypes. Even a thinking, rational person does not know when a stereotype is playing on him and consuming him. Society feeds guilt, fear and greed in various avatars.
This mind that I have - is purely acquired through schooling and social conditioning. I have been living in a certain society amidst certain kinds of people who talk about certain things, who read certain books and see certain movies. I am a by-product of these. I am a composition of parts of others. Whatever I have acquired is through these things and now through the internet. My friends share articles, I read them. Some articles seep in and become me. So, this mind - made up of likes and dislikes, right and wrong, do's and don'ts, the right job, the right education, the right husband, the right status.. all are driven by others. Those others are in turn driven by many others. We're all just touching and influencing others all the time, don't we? Our colleague goes to a movie and recommends it, we go and watch. Our colleague plays footfall and we also want to join. Unknowingly we desire what others desire. We desire the things showed on TV/ magazines. These happen subconsciously. Most of our desires are what are called borrowed desires. We borrow them
from friends, relatives and colleagues. We really don’t need them. Many of my relatives are in good position in the society and some of them are very well qualified. Many of my friends are in US in good jobs and have financial security. Sometimes these things do play on me. Why am I not like that? Why don't I work like that and earn money and lead such a life? I know that I am cut out differently but I still have this nagging feeling. The safest path concept does hound you often, till you become so self confident to chuck it out of the window.
A wonderful article on mind and how society cultivates guilt at:
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/sadhguru/masters-words/become-a-buddha/
http://blog.ishafoundation.org/yoga-meditation/demystifying-yoga/yoga-and-the-mind/
AND
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/drishtikone/2012/09/guilt-is-socially-cultivated-emotion-a-poison-directed-towards-yourself/
When we were children we used to admire people owning cars. We desired cars and our own house. When people wore costly clothes we felt that was the right thing. We saw people in movies.. rich people, well educated people and we thought that is how we should become. Without even knowing what is good and bad and what is right and wrong we aspired for some things. Even today most of the world is run that way. We really have a herd mentality. We all run for the next money spinning job. We aspire to be rich. We aspire to be movie stars. There is so much glamour exuded in certain fields. We are drawn to these things unknowingly. This is one form of conditioning. During our days, top rankers were admired a lot, so most people aspired to become a ranker. Nowadays the most well dressed and hep person is admired a lot so I see a lot of college goers spending way too much time to look good and dress good. There is a certain peer pressure to conform. Most people want to just conform without thinking whether such a lifestyle is feasible for them or even required for them. It takes a lot of maturity to do such thinking and I won't blame these young people. You don't even realise that you're doing so much to confirm to the society.
I was recently looking at actors/actresses who had undergone plastic surgery. Earlier women needed to dance and act well and look good. I know some actresses who were were ordinary but were extra ordinary actors. Today, in an unfortunate cycle of things, because people started photoshopping pictures, we have very high expectations of people's looks. Many people with decent faces are driven to cosmetic surgeries. I don't know if these actors like it or not. But, yeah they look exquisite, thanks to tons of surgeries. It's good that atleast some of us know the reason behind their young looks - apart from diet, genes, etc. Given their odd shooting schedules and odd locations and smoking/ drinking - I wonder how they keep their skin so great. We mortals, who take so much care and work at ordinary hours and sleep well and eat well, don't seem to have those blessings.
A very thought provoking video about how the media makes women feel inadequate:
http://www.upworthy.com/5-minutes-of-what-the-media-actually-does-to-women-8
Also, a very insightful article by Richa Chadda:
http://richachadda.blogspot.in/2012/04/maybe-we-are-change.html
As for actors, I think some people think it worthless to do such things and probably quit the field. Earlier I was upset with these cosmetic surgeries, but I think it's ok. All of us have this need to look good. Today it is such that any common man on the road wants to look like a hero. If he's not naturally endowed it's not wrong to use cosmetic surgery. Cinema is a visual medium and we are used to seeing pretty faces. You can see the stark contrast between the chiseled features of the leads versus the other cast. It's just a matter of money. How much surgeries you can afford, how many spa and ayurveda treatments you can do and how good a makeup man you can afford. Y'day I watched Ram Leela and noticed how they had taken care that the lead was so well made up and they were presented well, compared to the side roles of Richa Chadda, etc.
It's worrisome that many of us suffer for these things. Now, I am very conscious about the way I look. I was never this way. But there is this urge to dress well. I have got affected by this bug.There is only so much one can do when one has certain skin tones and skin texture. But if you obsess about looks, your whole life you can spend in a worthless manner (worthless according to me). I look at people around me. If you take statistics, I think 1 out of 10 women only look good. What about the 9? I see women in my gym, at the beauty parlour, on the road, my colleagues, people in buses.. everywhere. The 20s and teens of this generation do look great. But the rest of the people are just average joneses. What's wrong with that? If everyone of these women was intenally obsessing about why they are average, the world would soon be filled with worrisome thoughts. It's important to accept the way we look. However we look, if we groom a little and stay clean and dress well, we should feel confident.
We should know how far is ok. When I am surrounded by people who spend all their time dressing and posing for photos, you get affected unknowingly. Last few days I have spent an insane amount of time researching the right foundation, moisturizer, etc. All this, for a wedding in Jan. I know that the people attending the wedding would turn out like film stars and I would feel odd and left out. I do feel like an idiot for doing this. I know that I have given in to this pressure of looking good. It doesn't make me feel great or intelligent or even responsible.
I met this lady at a massage parlour. I don't think she has completed her matric.
I drool over Ileana's heavily photoshopped picture and she so maturely says "God knows what problems she has. You be happy for who you are". These are words of wisdom. I am sure that the lady who uttered these, is an extremely self confident person. She has a mind of her own. She is sure of herself and her education or the lack of it has nothing to do with her self confidence. I wonder... where are all we women - urban, highly educated, employed at hi-fi companies, well dressed, spending a bomb on parlours and cosmetics, headed?
Like some great sage said, we are all collecting fantasies from TV, magazines, paper and ads. They create certain mental images and we start comparing ourself with these images, unknowingly. We try to attain the so-called perfect body or face. It's a never ending game, whose only fate is "unhappiness" and "depression". While we all fret and fume at how "ordinary" we look, the cosmetic companies will laugh their way to the bank.
Is there a way we can stop these malicious, unrealistic images staring at us? Can we war against such unrealistic expectations of beauty? How do you educate a girl, right from 4 to know what 'beauty' is and how only her confidence can save her?
I think a slow movement has to start, to free us women from such horror. I'm apalled that this inadequacy has affected even a person as laid back as me.
Such is the effect of social conditioning and ads on urban women and we all thought we were smart!
We should learn a lesson or two from the rural belles.
