When is it time to start yoga?

Describing the opening lines of this phenomenal work, Sadhguru says, “When Patanjali wrote this great document on life, he started in a strange way. The first chapter was just half a sentence: “And now, yoga.” What he meant by this is – if you did the kind of job you wanted to, you got the kind of money you needed, you even got the kind of wife or husband you liked, but still you feel empty, the time for yoga has come. But if you still believe that everything will be okay by building a new house or getting another kind of job, it is not yet time for yoga. When you have seen everything and you know none of it will really fulfil you, once you have gotten to this point, ‘And now, yoga.’”

I have realized this to some extent. I should be grateful! 

Accepting your helplessness

So, the last 2 months have been hectic, or I'd atleast like to think it was. I have been gymming pretty regularly. I do consume more (sugar) do to the sudden sugar cravings after gymming but I'd have like to see the weighing scale show a better picture. I've gained 2-3 kgs! Its unacceptable. I feel I'm doing my best but I'm not seeing results. The stress and desperation have made me extremely depressed and I can't sleep at night.
Last night it was horrible. I had severe leg pain and I was bitten by mosquitoes all over. I couldn't sleep till 3:30 AM. My mind was racing. I knew I was getting too stressed. So, this is worse, isn't it? I leave my job and sit and home, hoping to avoid stress and here I am, all stressed.
So -my weight, jobless state, the sky high cost of living, my husband's looong work hours, my dependence on super costly supplements for my impaired fasting, the absence of enquiries for our Hyderabad house, my consistent inability to do Shambavi.. all of it plays on me all day. It has seeped deep into my subconcious and I know that's the root cause of the stress and sleeplessness. The things we read, the things we see.. all of it enters our subconcious memory. I now understand it a bit.. All the negative thoughts we have.. also get stored in the subconcious and act wildly in different situations. So, it's important not to let negativity seep so much..But what I realized yesterday was, maybe this stress is what is causing my body to not respond to so much of exercise. How come I was happy last year? I do remember being so peaceful last year. The Isha rejuv had good and bad parts but it had helped me. I came back and led a peaceful life. I was giving lectures to so many people abt the usefulness of yoga and here I am.. a year later, unable to follow my yoga discipline and all wrecked and messed! So, anything can happen to anyone. I felt helpless...With a host of problems like PCOD, hypothyroidism, obesity, hypertension and insulin resistance.. all  of which make losing weight all the more difficult, I am a slave of bad genes or bad physical makeup that happened due to a combination of genetic defects and poor lifestyle in my 20s ..
Are these reversible? I don't know. Will I ever lose weight to the point of feeling satisfied? Not sure at all....
But, what is it that I can do? Try and be happy. I've gone through so much that anyone else would have died long ago! I have managed to survive...  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger or stranger as the joker would have it. So, I shall try and be happy. That is the only thing that is in my hands.. stop worrying and be happy. It's ok to weigh this much and still be happy. It's ok to be insulin resistant and still be happy. It's ok to go mad in the mornings for food, and still be happy. But if you're not trying to be happy... and you weight this much.. and are hit by morning cravings.. you are doomed. That's what I let happen last 2 months. I chased so many other things that I only ended up being stressed. Happiness is the only thing worth chasing and it comes at a very low cost. So, I have decided to drop other things and just focus on being happy.
I will eat as clean as possible and exercise as much as possible.. and leave the rest to.. GOD or poor metabolism.. whatever is the strongest..and just focus on being happy.

The things we so proudly own...

“There is no neatness in any life- great or small. It is only an illusion men foolishly pursue.
All lived lives are a mess.
The neatness in my life had begun to crumble some time before, but now it disintegrated completely as I vanished into a world of endlessly opening doors, teasing riddles and lives without boundaries.
For the first time I began to understand how shallow neatness is.
How cramping, how limiting.
For the first time I understood neat lives are comatose lives.

― Tarun J. Tejpal

" The things we own, end up owning us".

Everytime I buy a costly dress, it comes with added precautions. First, dry clean only. Then wear it carefully. There is just one dry cleaner I trust for good garments and his charges are as much as getting a new dress. So, the  overall cost of owning a dress and maintaining it becomes quite huge! I had once vowed never to buy such high maintanence clothes but I still do. Who doesn't like to dress well? I wish I was able to control myself from falling into such traps. It's not what you wear that counts... its how you've groomed yourself.. how well read you are.. how well mannered you are.. how caring you are.. how sensitive you are..so many things.. which matter so deeply, yet I get sucked into the world of material desires.

While driving one day I noticed a bus coming too close for comfort. He could leave a horrible scratch on my car if he was a bit careless. That would have left me troubled. That brought up this topic again! We work hard to buy these things.. then when something happens to them, we cry our hearts out. Is it all worth it? A car.. or a dress.. how much happy can it make you?

I remember with vivid horror the tale of a cooker at my in-laws house. My MIL is very careful about her possessions. She does not like people handling her precious cups without respect. She goes mad when the maids break her cup by mistake or when in a hurry. Once she shouted at my co-sister for using her favourite cooker to cook. What's the point, I thought? Is that cooker a piece of adornment to the kitchen? It's supposed to come to use and when someone did just that, MIL became wild! I was wondering, to preserve your materials, you do not mind hurting someone's heart and feelings. Is it worth it? That incident stayed with me for a while. I decided to change myself atleast. I would not shout if my maid breaks my cups. I will try my best to clean all costly tableware myself. Till date, I try to do that. It has helped.

Yday I was watching sex and the city, part 2, which was a horror movie actually but caught one scene. Charlotte's daughter puts red paint on her vintage skirt and Charlotte is horrified. Same lesson. You buy something expensive. You spend a whole lot of time maintaining it clean and bright..time you can use for some other valuable pursuit. Right?

Again, I wish I will try hard this year not to accumulate such materialistic things.. which actually burn a hole in your pocket and cause you great distress.