Yesterday we were having this very interesting conversation. So, my friend said "XXX was not able to accept that the relation had changed".
That stayed with me for long.
XXX and I are very similar people. We're sensitive. We value relations a lot. I think our whole world revolves around people.
Given this, we do find it difficult to handle some things.
a) A close relation changes and moves away due to some reason - maybe they got married, they got busy or they changed a lot and are no longer compatible with us or we're not priority for them.
b) Any relation that is not a 100%.
c) When we meet people who visibly don't care for us or show love or respect, we are probably hurt.
I think, we both are slow to change. So, we probably find it difficult to accept others change.
Also, we're very accomodating. We suppress ourselves and go out of the way to please people or make them comfortable or feel loved. So when that party for whom we went to great lengths, does not take small steps for us, we feel hurt. Also, we find it difficult to be be silent in a party. We like to talk - so when there is a not so close friendship... and we have to suppress our chatterboxes we find it difficult to stay in that place. The freedom that a close relation gives, is taken away in these circumstances.
I think the problem is expectations. With expectations come disappointments.
Why do we expect things?
Either we want a repeat telecast of some previous joyous moment.
We want certain emotions played again.
We want our needs taken care of.
We are influenced by what we see - in the movies.. in books.. in other relations around us.. about relations.. and we start to expect certain behaviour. So, unknown to us, these things have settled into cracks and crevices and distort our perception of a person.
Or.. we have some unfulfilled wishes from previous relations - parents and friends or exes.. that get dumped on the current relation.
So, we unknowingly overburden a relation. So, if people behave how they want to and as a consequence - your desires are not taken care of - we felt heartbroken.
Is it possible for someone to understand each of our 10000 odd wishes? If they forget one, that one is what we end up remembering. Even we cannot satisfy someone's wishes all the time, right?. We're bound to fail to live up to their expectations in some thing or the other. Your spouse may expect you to cook great food or dress well or dance well. You're gonna fall short somewhere too.
My learnings: Relations are not meant to be this way. Someone comes into your life. Give them freedom to be themselves. Enjoy that. When they leave, do not crave for them. If they disappoint you by being themselves and not being what you want, accept it. A person is at his best when he or she is absolutely being himself. That's when a person breathes.. and it's important for all of us to breathe. For a couple of minutes you can hold your breath and put on the masks.. but it's better people learn to love or atleast accept us without the masks. When you're caught off guard there is nothing to conceal.. It just gives you so much more energy.. no need to lie.. no need to have inner conflicts...
The validity of a relation is 'now'. To prolong and extend it and dump our expectations on that person - is akin to strangling that person. Many people have this complaint that their spouses have changed. There is no longer that intimacy or attraction or whatever.
How is it possible to stay together for 10 years.. 20 years and enact the same scenes?
In your 20s things are different. You enjoy the dating and courtship and waiting. Can that happen again in your 30s when you've stayed together for 10 years? Similarly with any friendship - we hit off due to different reasons, even a rebound reason...then it goes somewhere and then somewhere else... someone gets off the wagon at some point because they don't enjoy the ride.. that does not negate the fact that for a while we all enjoyed the ride and felt that we had the same destination! To over analyze and go back and think a lot.. is the killer... The best thing to do is, when you meet someone, try to be honest but nice.. listen to them.. understand them. Once they go back home, there is absolutely nothing you can do and don't sit and think! Don't plan...just let it be.
Being spontaneous, honest and open are good qualities. Neither do we have to put on masks, not should we expect this of others.
Some homework here.
Let's say you expected something from A. A hurt you. A may or may not realize that but has come to talk to you.
How do you behave with A? If A had not hurt you - how would you have behaved?
Is the hurt causing you to behave any different?
What is our true nature? Is it fogged by anger/ hurt/ greed/ jealousy?
When do we behave our best and yet be honest and guided by intelligence - under what circumstances? Is it ever possible to be our best and true self when we're fogged with desires or anger?
When I get hurt, I retreat to my shell. I can no longer show too much interest in A's wellbeing. I, can infact be pretty rude, intolerant and inconsiderate because my own wishes were not satisfied by others. Why should I care to satisfy their wishes? I can turn pretty selfish when I feel this way.
I am beginning to think "Love is often nothing but a favorable exchange between two people who get the most of what they can expect, considering their value on the personality market."
Maybe the things we do in love are not coming from our being. Maybe it was a symbiotic relation. We felt loved, so we cared. Once we're disappointed our love also diminishes. Is this true love? I begin to question. So, our acts are fuelled by our wishes being fulfilled? I don't know. Unknowingly that's what we have been doing in relations. When the children do things - like choose a college of their preference or get married to a girl of their choice, the parents get hurt and separate from their own beloved child. Is this true love? I don't think so. We're all in mutually beneficial relation schemes. As long as we're satisfied we'll be good. Once we're hurt we can turn into devils, even against the same people we loved. This is a point to ponder. Aptly, I read the following words of wisdom.
=======================================================================
As Yeats says
Anyways, I love the oscar wilde quote because his quote is 100% true when people try to make forever, to only be the same thing…! That becomes the same olde same olde before you know it.
So sad, but it seems most people prefer tragic love that is always fleeting over true love that is always changing.
Learn to understand the difference and you will discover lasting love.
That stayed with me for long.
XXX and I are very similar people. We're sensitive. We value relations a lot. I think our whole world revolves around people.
Given this, we do find it difficult to handle some things.
a) A close relation changes and moves away due to some reason - maybe they got married, they got busy or they changed a lot and are no longer compatible with us or we're not priority for them.
b) Any relation that is not a 100%.
c) When we meet people who visibly don't care for us or show love or respect, we are probably hurt.
I think, we both are slow to change. So, we probably find it difficult to accept others change.
Also, we're very accomodating. We suppress ourselves and go out of the way to please people or make them comfortable or feel loved. So when that party for whom we went to great lengths, does not take small steps for us, we feel hurt. Also, we find it difficult to be be silent in a party. We like to talk - so when there is a not so close friendship... and we have to suppress our chatterboxes we find it difficult to stay in that place. The freedom that a close relation gives, is taken away in these circumstances.
I think the problem is expectations. With expectations come disappointments.
Why do we expect things?
Either we want a repeat telecast of some previous joyous moment.
We want certain emotions played again.
We want our needs taken care of.
We are influenced by what we see - in the movies.. in books.. in other relations around us.. about relations.. and we start to expect certain behaviour. So, unknown to us, these things have settled into cracks and crevices and distort our perception of a person.
Or.. we have some unfulfilled wishes from previous relations - parents and friends or exes.. that get dumped on the current relation.
So, we unknowingly overburden a relation. So, if people behave how they want to and as a consequence - your desires are not taken care of - we felt heartbroken.
Is it possible for someone to understand each of our 10000 odd wishes? If they forget one, that one is what we end up remembering. Even we cannot satisfy someone's wishes all the time, right?. We're bound to fail to live up to their expectations in some thing or the other. Your spouse may expect you to cook great food or dress well or dance well. You're gonna fall short somewhere too.
My learnings: Relations are not meant to be this way. Someone comes into your life. Give them freedom to be themselves. Enjoy that. When they leave, do not crave for them. If they disappoint you by being themselves and not being what you want, accept it. A person is at his best when he or she is absolutely being himself. That's when a person breathes.. and it's important for all of us to breathe. For a couple of minutes you can hold your breath and put on the masks.. but it's better people learn to love or atleast accept us without the masks. When you're caught off guard there is nothing to conceal.. It just gives you so much more energy.. no need to lie.. no need to have inner conflicts...
The validity of a relation is 'now'. To prolong and extend it and dump our expectations on that person - is akin to strangling that person. Many people have this complaint that their spouses have changed. There is no longer that intimacy or attraction or whatever.
How is it possible to stay together for 10 years.. 20 years and enact the same scenes?
In your 20s things are different. You enjoy the dating and courtship and waiting. Can that happen again in your 30s when you've stayed together for 10 years? Similarly with any friendship - we hit off due to different reasons, even a rebound reason...then it goes somewhere and then somewhere else... someone gets off the wagon at some point because they don't enjoy the ride.. that does not negate the fact that for a while we all enjoyed the ride and felt that we had the same destination! To over analyze and go back and think a lot.. is the killer... The best thing to do is, when you meet someone, try to be honest but nice.. listen to them.. understand them. Once they go back home, there is absolutely nothing you can do and don't sit and think! Don't plan...just let it be.
Being spontaneous, honest and open are good qualities. Neither do we have to put on masks, not should we expect this of others.
Some homework here.
Let's say you expected something from A. A hurt you. A may or may not realize that but has come to talk to you.
How do you behave with A? If A had not hurt you - how would you have behaved?
Is the hurt causing you to behave any different?
What is our true nature? Is it fogged by anger/ hurt/ greed/ jealousy?
When do we behave our best and yet be honest and guided by intelligence - under what circumstances? Is it ever possible to be our best and true self when we're fogged with desires or anger?
When I get hurt, I retreat to my shell. I can no longer show too much interest in A's wellbeing. I, can infact be pretty rude, intolerant and inconsiderate because my own wishes were not satisfied by others. Why should I care to satisfy their wishes? I can turn pretty selfish when I feel this way.
I am beginning to think "Love is often nothing but a favorable exchange between two people who get the most of what they can expect, considering their value on the personality market."
Maybe the things we do in love are not coming from our being. Maybe it was a symbiotic relation. We felt loved, so we cared. Once we're disappointed our love also diminishes. Is this true love? I begin to question. So, our acts are fuelled by our wishes being fulfilled? I don't know. Unknowingly that's what we have been doing in relations. When the children do things - like choose a college of their preference or get married to a girl of their choice, the parents get hurt and separate from their own beloved child. Is this true love? I don't think so. We're all in mutually beneficial relation schemes. As long as we're satisfied we'll be good. Once we're hurt we can turn into devils, even against the same people we loved. This is a point to ponder. Aptly, I read the following words of wisdom.
=======================================================================
A Romance to Last Forever
“They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever” Oscar WildeSustainable love isn’t a myth, it is just misnamed, for love to be sustainable it must be constantly changing to grow with those involved. You see the real issue isn’t in the love , it’s in how people try to define forever that is the true issue.
People think forever, is to be unchanging.Most lovers try to balance out their relationships based on outside rather than their center. To base love only upon someone else’s outstretched arms…
To be unchanging is to break, is to wear down to nothing trying to hold onto what was.
As Yeats says
“Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold… “Base love upon the nature of change, to create a ever changing love that can last upon a centre. Something that isn’t held on to but rather you stay connected with instead.
Anyways, I love the oscar wilde quote because his quote is 100% true when people try to make forever, to only be the same thing…! That becomes the same olde same olde before you know it.
So sad, but it seems most people prefer tragic love that is always fleeting over true love that is always changing.
Learn to understand the difference and you will discover lasting love.
When
guided by error, human will misleads us; but when guided by wisdom,
human will is attuned to the Divine Will. God's plan for us often
becomes obscured by the conflicts of human life and so we lose the inner
guidance that would save us from chasms of misery.
Paramahansa Yogananda
Paramahansa Yogananda
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