Once when I was buying vegetables at HAL market, I found the shop keepers very irritable.
I asked them why they were being so irritable. One nice woman said "We're working from 4 am. So, when people come and bargain so much or ask stupid questions, we tend to lose our temper".
That struck me. She was telling a big point.
Our tempers and masks start acting once our will power is exhausted.
I read about a shop keeper who assaulted a customer after he wasted more than 1 hour in trying 15 different shirts and left without buying any.
I have also read abour road rash and serious maar pitaai in the roads of Delhi.
What causes us to behave so bad? Even good people to behave bad at times?
We're caught in traffic and by the time we come home, we are irritable and we shout at our spouse.
If the food is not tasty that day or the house is dirty or the children are screaming, we let our demons out. Why does that happen?
I feel - we have a finite will power each day. Once we exhaust them on one strenuous activity in the day.. or in some combination of activities - the brain goes into some different mode. It needs peace, silence, etc. But we still need to carry on despite our brain going off. This probably puts us in danger.
I have observed, when I am terribly hungry I get irritated at everything. I think I become helpless. Mostly you have no food around and u have no energy to cook or go to a nearby restaurant. The helplessness makes us angry.
Also, when I am very tired - I've had a full day and then I still need to come home and do things, I tend to be less watchful. I'll drop things. I'll make mistakes. I will drive like crazy when I am hungry or over exhausted. These are probably brain's mechanisms to prevent overload. Maybe your systems wants to or is planning to shutdown but you're extending it beyond its capacity and then something bad happens.
So, one of the best things to do is - know the triggers.. be watchful. Accept mistakes.
On a more serious note, I have been wondering about my current state.
I seem to have no energy left, to do anything.
I look back at all the years gone by.
At school I hardly had friends. No hobbies. A lonely child with not so supportive parents. I just studied. I used to work very hard. I was always in fear and anxiety. I did work very hard.
The same happened at work too. Mostly I got work that was quite demanding. I used to work hard. Except in a few places work was filled with anxiety and stress.
Then Ciel Pur. I worked quite hard for it too.
Then my cancer episode... building a house at the same time..not easy work...
the failed IVF... those nightmarish days...
every time I have quit job - I have worked very hard to get another one. It's never been easy. I don't know how many people would have worked this hard.
Now I feel stripped of my femininity. I cannot feel many things and its not easy.
Somehow I feel.. for all this, life could have been a tad easier.. a tad more successful. a little luck here or there.. would have put things in place.
Now, when I look back I think I worked quite hard - at home and at work. I am exhausted.
I have been off work for the last 2 years. I feel that I am empty. Life feels devoid of any goals or pleasures or anything to look forward to.
My aspirations have never been too high - but they seem to have never been fulfilled or maybe this is the way it's meant to be. I feel disappointed. I don't know - I have been depressed for a long period - probably since 2005. The last time I felt happy for a long time, was when I fell in love.
It feel like too long of a dry patch. Everytime I have slipped further and further into depression. I have tried hard and distracted myself and come out a little. I am clueless what to do.
Somehow whatever small things I aspire for, I seem doomed. I feel life has been very unfair - maybe I am looking from a wrong perspective but I have felt for long that it's been very unfair to me. How many people have it so easy, why can't I have it easy?
So, I am planning to let go of even small things. For now, I will stop aspiring for anything.
I will do small things that are within my reach. I will try to derive pleasure from these - which are in my control. I will start out very small.. and have very simple goals everyday.
I no longer want to fight and struggle. I am letting go. At some point down the lane, if I gather energy I may do something. But now - I will take it small and simple and easy. Life should not be a fight.
I asked them why they were being so irritable. One nice woman said "We're working from 4 am. So, when people come and bargain so much or ask stupid questions, we tend to lose our temper".
That struck me. She was telling a big point.
Our tempers and masks start acting once our will power is exhausted.
I read about a shop keeper who assaulted a customer after he wasted more than 1 hour in trying 15 different shirts and left without buying any.
I have also read abour road rash and serious maar pitaai in the roads of Delhi.
What causes us to behave so bad? Even good people to behave bad at times?
We're caught in traffic and by the time we come home, we are irritable and we shout at our spouse.
If the food is not tasty that day or the house is dirty or the children are screaming, we let our demons out. Why does that happen?
I feel - we have a finite will power each day. Once we exhaust them on one strenuous activity in the day.. or in some combination of activities - the brain goes into some different mode. It needs peace, silence, etc. But we still need to carry on despite our brain going off. This probably puts us in danger.
I have observed, when I am terribly hungry I get irritated at everything. I think I become helpless. Mostly you have no food around and u have no energy to cook or go to a nearby restaurant. The helplessness makes us angry.
Also, when I am very tired - I've had a full day and then I still need to come home and do things, I tend to be less watchful. I'll drop things. I'll make mistakes. I will drive like crazy when I am hungry or over exhausted. These are probably brain's mechanisms to prevent overload. Maybe your systems wants to or is planning to shutdown but you're extending it beyond its capacity and then something bad happens.
So, one of the best things to do is - know the triggers.. be watchful. Accept mistakes.
On a more serious note, I have been wondering about my current state.
I seem to have no energy left, to do anything.
I look back at all the years gone by.
At school I hardly had friends. No hobbies. A lonely child with not so supportive parents. I just studied. I used to work very hard. I was always in fear and anxiety. I did work very hard.
The same happened at work too. Mostly I got work that was quite demanding. I used to work hard. Except in a few places work was filled with anxiety and stress.
Then Ciel Pur. I worked quite hard for it too.
Then my cancer episode... building a house at the same time..not easy work...
the failed IVF... those nightmarish days...
every time I have quit job - I have worked very hard to get another one. It's never been easy. I don't know how many people would have worked this hard.
Now I feel stripped of my femininity. I cannot feel many things and its not easy.
Somehow I feel.. for all this, life could have been a tad easier.. a tad more successful. a little luck here or there.. would have put things in place.
Now, when I look back I think I worked quite hard - at home and at work. I am exhausted.
I have been off work for the last 2 years. I feel that I am empty. Life feels devoid of any goals or pleasures or anything to look forward to.
My aspirations have never been too high - but they seem to have never been fulfilled or maybe this is the way it's meant to be. I feel disappointed. I don't know - I have been depressed for a long period - probably since 2005. The last time I felt happy for a long time, was when I fell in love.
It feel like too long of a dry patch. Everytime I have slipped further and further into depression. I have tried hard and distracted myself and come out a little. I am clueless what to do.
Somehow whatever small things I aspire for, I seem doomed. I feel life has been very unfair - maybe I am looking from a wrong perspective but I have felt for long that it's been very unfair to me. How many people have it so easy, why can't I have it easy?
So, I am planning to let go of even small things. For now, I will stop aspiring for anything.
I will do small things that are within my reach. I will try to derive pleasure from these - which are in my control. I will start out very small.. and have very simple goals everyday.
I no longer want to fight and struggle. I am letting go. At some point down the lane, if I gather energy I may do something. But now - I will take it small and simple and easy. Life should not be a fight.
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