Yes, I realized it a while ago.
I have been restless for a while and that is spilling into all aspects of social life and interactions.
I am unable to fathom what is causing it.
1) To some extent I think it's the fear of running out of money and getting into trouble. I don't think I want to face it, though we've done it before. I don't want to get to that state.
2) I think I am going nowhere. My gym, my pursuing passion - etc.. are not giving immediate results. I have found a huge bracket of things to do.
My major interest is observing human behaviour. This is what most authors and poets do.
I could pursue sociology.
To complement that, I could also pursue history, mythology, philosophy.
I want to read the vedantas.
I want to also read about education - child education.
http://www.annauniv.edu/MediaScience/programmes3.html
http://www.ignou.ac.in/ignou/aboutignou/school/soss/programmes/detail/124/2
http://www.oii.ox.ac.uk/teaching/msc/courseinfo.cfm
http://www.lse.ac.uk/philosophy/Study/mastersprogrammes/mscpss.aspx
http://www.ignou.ac.in/ignou/aboutignou/school/soitds/programmes/detail/508/3
http://www.ignou.ac.in/ignou/aboutignou/school/soss/programmes/detail/121/2
http://symbiosiscollege.edu.in/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=137&Itemid=118
I want to do reading and writing as a hobby. Any of the above courses would entail a lot of writing. I have no idea why I read so less. (novels). I love short stories. Novels demand too much time and they are filled with useless details - for me. I like plots but I don't like empty pages that are just added to make big books. Also, I have read some novels which I did not like - which deterred me from reading further - Midnight's children, A Museum of innocence, Shantaram.
The whole purpose of art is to make life beautiful - as escapism from reality - from the mundaneness of everyday life.. from the dullness.. from the lack of new things (debatable).
An artist is one who views the same thing you and I do, with different eyes and present it to us in a beautiful form - paintings, poetry, music, movies, drama or literature.
So, back to restlessness. I want to do something and achieve results - in order to keep going. If I pursue literature I need to be in hibernation for 10 years atleast. I don't have the luxury of that much time and money, why I say time - because I may go mad. I am already mad now..because I want to start producing. Last 2 years I have been in silence or been consuming things. I want to produce now. Either I buy a farm and do some plantation.. or do something that yields fruits and flowers :-)
I am eager to contribute. We all forget that the month end paycheck is a form of success.. It's an achievement.. an acknowledgement delayed by a month. I need that.. not the paycheck but appreciation and acknowledgement. Right now whatever I am doing, it's in silent mode. I have nothing to show.. nothing to be cheered for.. nothing worthy of appreciation. If I take the long route of literature I need to have the patience of 10 years, before I see some appreciation. I don't know if I have that energy and courage.
My courage is dwindling - not my convictions. I should do a day job which gives me some amount of satisfaction. I should also pursue the above said things so that after 2 years when I feel like taking a break - I have something to pursue.. and maybe following up on these, on long term along with a job will get me somewhere.. I don't know. It looks as if someone is playing a game with me. I am no longer in control of my thoughts. Someone is driving my thoughts and driving me crazy. They don't let me rest in peace. They plant so many thoughts - contradictory ones.. One says - just stay and home and work peacefully for the next 10 years.. you will produce something great for sure.
Another says - no.. you have to take a job. You don't have the money to sustain.
What a life? It's leela - someone's leela for sure!
So, I guess over the next few days, I will brood, dust my algorithms and C books and start picking up.
I have been restless for a while and that is spilling into all aspects of social life and interactions.
I am unable to fathom what is causing it.
1) To some extent I think it's the fear of running out of money and getting into trouble. I don't think I want to face it, though we've done it before. I don't want to get to that state.
2) I think I am going nowhere. My gym, my pursuing passion - etc.. are not giving immediate results. I have found a huge bracket of things to do.
My major interest is observing human behaviour. This is what most authors and poets do.
I could pursue sociology.
To complement that, I could also pursue history, mythology, philosophy.
I want to read the vedantas.
I want to also read about education - child education.
http://www.annauniv.edu/MediaScience/programmes3.html
http://www.ignou.ac.in/ignou/aboutignou/school/soss/programmes/detail/124/2
http://www.oii.ox.ac.uk/teaching/msc/courseinfo.cfm
http://www.lse.ac.uk/philosophy/Study/mastersprogrammes/mscpss.aspx
http://www.ignou.ac.in/ignou/aboutignou/school/soitds/programmes/detail/508/3
http://www.ignou.ac.in/ignou/aboutignou/school/soss/programmes/detail/121/2
http://symbiosiscollege.edu.in/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=137&Itemid=118
I want to do reading and writing as a hobby. Any of the above courses would entail a lot of writing. I have no idea why I read so less. (novels). I love short stories. Novels demand too much time and they are filled with useless details - for me. I like plots but I don't like empty pages that are just added to make big books. Also, I have read some novels which I did not like - which deterred me from reading further - Midnight's children, A Museum of innocence, Shantaram.
The whole purpose of art is to make life beautiful - as escapism from reality - from the mundaneness of everyday life.. from the dullness.. from the lack of new things (debatable).
An artist is one who views the same thing you and I do, with different eyes and present it to us in a beautiful form - paintings, poetry, music, movies, drama or literature.
So, back to restlessness. I want to do something and achieve results - in order to keep going. If I pursue literature I need to be in hibernation for 10 years atleast. I don't have the luxury of that much time and money, why I say time - because I may go mad. I am already mad now..because I want to start producing. Last 2 years I have been in silence or been consuming things. I want to produce now. Either I buy a farm and do some plantation.. or do something that yields fruits and flowers :-)
I am eager to contribute. We all forget that the month end paycheck is a form of success.. It's an achievement.. an acknowledgement delayed by a month. I need that.. not the paycheck but appreciation and acknowledgement. Right now whatever I am doing, it's in silent mode. I have nothing to show.. nothing to be cheered for.. nothing worthy of appreciation. If I take the long route of literature I need to have the patience of 10 years, before I see some appreciation. I don't know if I have that energy and courage.
My courage is dwindling - not my convictions. I should do a day job which gives me some amount of satisfaction. I should also pursue the above said things so that after 2 years when I feel like taking a break - I have something to pursue.. and maybe following up on these, on long term along with a job will get me somewhere.. I don't know. It looks as if someone is playing a game with me. I am no longer in control of my thoughts. Someone is driving my thoughts and driving me crazy. They don't let me rest in peace. They plant so many thoughts - contradictory ones.. One says - just stay and home and work peacefully for the next 10 years.. you will produce something great for sure.
Another says - no.. you have to take a job. You don't have the money to sustain.
What a life? It's leela - someone's leela for sure!
So, I guess over the next few days, I will brood, dust my algorithms and C books and start picking up.
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