I am visibly in turmoil. I feel like I should have done a lot of things but have failed. I feel I have let myself down by not being strong when I had to be. A thousand thoughts toss me up like a salad.. very unpleasant thoughts.. thoughts of how to reconstruct a new life.. in the mid 30s.. thoughts of how to improve myself to fit into this fast paced, talent-myth struck world..extremely competitive world..judgemental people.. How to improve.. what courses to take...what skillset to acquire..there is turmoil inside.
But despite all my spiritual leanings, I have not accepted the present. The present and "I" are what I have. I could sit and daydream about becoming Steve Jobs.. but that is just a dream. "I" - in all my flesh.. with all my qwirkiness, my strange habits.. my weaknesses.. my strengths.. that "I" is all I have. I better accept the "I" I have become.. in order to make a better "I". Everytime I read spritual books I become calm.. I feel peaceful and sorted. But the moment I stop reading, I become chaotic. The whole world affects me. I sink into a depression.
Today, I read abt Kobun - Steve Job's Zen mentor. He said something that is so appropriate for the moment, for me:
"We sit to make life meaningful. The significance of our life is not experienced in striving to create some perfect thing. We must simply start with accepting ourselves. Sitting brings us back to actually who and where we are. This can be very painful. Self-acceptance is the hardest thing to do. If we can’t accept ourselves, we are living in ignorance, this darkest night. We may still be awake, but we don’t know where we are. We cannot see. The mind has no light. Practice is this candle in our very darkest room."
But despite all my spiritual leanings, I have not accepted the present. The present and "I" are what I have. I could sit and daydream about becoming Steve Jobs.. but that is just a dream. "I" - in all my flesh.. with all my qwirkiness, my strange habits.. my weaknesses.. my strengths.. that "I" is all I have. I better accept the "I" I have become.. in order to make a better "I". Everytime I read spritual books I become calm.. I feel peaceful and sorted. But the moment I stop reading, I become chaotic. The whole world affects me. I sink into a depression.
Today, I read abt Kobun - Steve Job's Zen mentor. He said something that is so appropriate for the moment, for me:
"We sit to make life meaningful. The significance of our life is not experienced in striving to create some perfect thing. We must simply start with accepting ourselves. Sitting brings us back to actually who and where we are. This can be very painful. Self-acceptance is the hardest thing to do. If we can’t accept ourselves, we are living in ignorance, this darkest night. We may still be awake, but we don’t know where we are. We cannot see. The mind has no light. Practice is this candle in our very darkest room."
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