So, last weekend we had a fabulous mini reunion of college friends at Novotel. Me, Adi and Suman.
We spoke about a lot of things. It was so good. I don't know them well enough but it felt good.
We spoke about our interests - food, travel, etc, our fears and struggles - the baby issue and weight gains...business losses, etc.
Adi strongly felt that I should go for surrogacy and the moment I have a baby in my arms, I would turn into a wonderful mother and all the pain of not having my own baby would vanish. This is exactly what Chaitra also said. But, I still feel the same as I felt during the time I posted this.
I think, so far it has been a great decision to not get into it. I have time for myself now. I don't want to keep shuttling between hospitals. I don't want to go through that trauma. I don't think I can take it.
I am pretty upset with god that he has put me through this in-necessarily. I am not going to fight him and prove that I can upset his plans using IVF and technology. I am going to live and prove that I will lead a very fulfilling life even without having children. If he keeps throwing unwanted things at me, all I can do is, make fun of him and take it all as a joke. I want to be strong enough to survive everything. Right now, I don't think I can ever forgive him for this. It was unfair and I do not deserve this at all.
What do I want to do about babies?
I want to do nothing. I have tortured myself enough and I want my own time. I think I can reach god through other ways than by having a child and growing it up. I do feel better. Last few days The Ganges and The himalayas have been torturing me. I feel like going and doing some yoga class there. I wish this urge sustains and by next year summer I should be able to do a trip to Badri.
Last week, my other best friend who was 7 weeks pregnant had terrible bleeding. She thought she had lost the baby. She spent a night of turbulence, unable to reach the gyn. Atlast, the baby seems ok and she's been advised bed rest. But, I started panicking and got irritated with the whole thing. Why should someone go through this? It's so painful and it does leave a scar. Why didn't the doctors find out the issue? I am sure if they had paid attention they could have found out the cause. It's happened twice already. So, maybe our lady has some problem which causes this. To make things worse, she felt that I was being too bitter and negative and the way she spoke ended up hurting me. She made me feel like I was a bitter and negative woman, which I am not. I was just frightened.. and I felt that personally I would not want to handle this or go through this and I wish this is the last time she goes through this. It does hurt when your best friend misunderstands and judges you. I know that she was going through a bad phase and normally she is too understanding of me. But, somehow I felt bad that day and I don't want to call up till the baby thing settles.
Then, today I was reading about what could be the possible causes of bleeding during pregnancy. I read abt a woman, who had her first pregnancy and she bled so much and probably lost the baby. I felt so sad for her. Women go through so much trauma, no wonder they get irritated. Pregnancy changes your body so much. You no longer seem to be your old self. Hats off to all those women who bravely accomplish such a journey. Also bringing up a child has its own set of problems.
While looking at this, I also remembered Manju. The lady who had gone through probably 8 IVFs!
I suddenly thought of her and God! I was just wishing she had had her next IVF and conceived. This woman has gone through hell so many times and I don't know how she does it. So, I checked on her blog and wow.. she seems to be pregnant. I started reading about her pregnancy from the beginning and when I came to the last post I was devastated. No, she should not be going through this. Her babies need to come out fine. God! Why are you doing this to her?
She must have prayed so much! You have answered the prayers of so many less deserving people.. why not her? Why do you make her go through this? I am sincerely praying and I can see so many people praying for Manju and cheering her. That's the spirit of humanity. I can understand what she is going through now. It's probably going to scar her. I will take the lesson from her and not undergo all this trauma. Totally not worth it for me, but for her, she is willing to die for her children. She has that much hope and interest to own her babies. God! I wish some months from now, she is happy - holding her twins, having forgotten this gory episode. Heartfelt prayers for Manju.. But still, God - this is unfair. Why? Oh WHy?
We spoke about a lot of things. It was so good. I don't know them well enough but it felt good.
We spoke about our interests - food, travel, etc, our fears and struggles - the baby issue and weight gains...business losses, etc.
Adi strongly felt that I should go for surrogacy and the moment I have a baby in my arms, I would turn into a wonderful mother and all the pain of not having my own baby would vanish. This is exactly what Chaitra also said. But, I still feel the same as I felt during the time I posted this.
I think, so far it has been a great decision to not get into it. I have time for myself now. I don't want to keep shuttling between hospitals. I don't want to go through that trauma. I don't think I can take it.
I am pretty upset with god that he has put me through this in-necessarily. I am not going to fight him and prove that I can upset his plans using IVF and technology. I am going to live and prove that I will lead a very fulfilling life even without having children. If he keeps throwing unwanted things at me, all I can do is, make fun of him and take it all as a joke. I want to be strong enough to survive everything. Right now, I don't think I can ever forgive him for this. It was unfair and I do not deserve this at all.
What do I want to do about babies?
I want to do nothing. I have tortured myself enough and I want my own time. I think I can reach god through other ways than by having a child and growing it up. I do feel better. Last few days The Ganges and The himalayas have been torturing me. I feel like going and doing some yoga class there. I wish this urge sustains and by next year summer I should be able to do a trip to Badri.
Last week, my other best friend who was 7 weeks pregnant had terrible bleeding. She thought she had lost the baby. She spent a night of turbulence, unable to reach the gyn. Atlast, the baby seems ok and she's been advised bed rest. But, I started panicking and got irritated with the whole thing. Why should someone go through this? It's so painful and it does leave a scar. Why didn't the doctors find out the issue? I am sure if they had paid attention they could have found out the cause. It's happened twice already. So, maybe our lady has some problem which causes this. To make things worse, she felt that I was being too bitter and negative and the way she spoke ended up hurting me. She made me feel like I was a bitter and negative woman, which I am not. I was just frightened.. and I felt that personally I would not want to handle this or go through this and I wish this is the last time she goes through this. It does hurt when your best friend misunderstands and judges you. I know that she was going through a bad phase and normally she is too understanding of me. But, somehow I felt bad that day and I don't want to call up till the baby thing settles.
Then, today I was reading about what could be the possible causes of bleeding during pregnancy. I read abt a woman, who had her first pregnancy and she bled so much and probably lost the baby. I felt so sad for her. Women go through so much trauma, no wonder they get irritated. Pregnancy changes your body so much. You no longer seem to be your old self. Hats off to all those women who bravely accomplish such a journey. Also bringing up a child has its own set of problems.
While looking at this, I also remembered Manju. The lady who had gone through probably 8 IVFs!
I suddenly thought of her and God! I was just wishing she had had her next IVF and conceived. This woman has gone through hell so many times and I don't know how she does it. So, I checked on her blog and wow.. she seems to be pregnant. I started reading about her pregnancy from the beginning and when I came to the last post I was devastated. No, she should not be going through this. Her babies need to come out fine. God! Why are you doing this to her?
She must have prayed so much! You have answered the prayers of so many less deserving people.. why not her? Why do you make her go through this? I am sincerely praying and I can see so many people praying for Manju and cheering her. That's the spirit of humanity. I can understand what she is going through now. It's probably going to scar her. I will take the lesson from her and not undergo all this trauma. Totally not worth it for me, but for her, she is willing to die for her children. She has that much hope and interest to own her babies. God! I wish some months from now, she is happy - holding her twins, having forgotten this gory episode. Heartfelt prayers for Manju.. But still, God - this is unfair. Why? Oh WHy?
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