So, the most awaited moment of 2015 arrived.
Due to god's grace I cleared the entrance test. It was quite difficult.
My brain stopped working almost and I froze.
All my preparation and knowledge went out the window.
I was not sure if I would clear the paper. Luckily god shined some grace.
I got through. My interview was also ok. I don't know how much they could get in 3-4 minutes but I'd like to believe that I have a good chance now.
When all this frenzy was over and I came back to the hotel, I cried uncontrollably.
I thought of all the darkness and despair that had surrounded me (rather I had allowed to be surrounded by) the last 3 years.
I quit my job; I could no longer continue such types of jobs.
Despite all my attempts, my IVF failed.
So, what was I sitting at home and doing?
It was a bad phase. I was mid thirties. Jobless. No hopes.
Obviously I did not want to wake up in the mornings.
But despite that, I proceeded to find what was it that interested me, that I may be good at.
I read a lot of philosophy, psychology and slowly neuroscience also.
I read about child education.
I read about art and artists.
I read many things that came my way.
I had to improve myself. I had to find some skill, some career.
I figured that Philosophy, psychology and neuroscience was a deadly combination.
A lethal weapon to understand the mind.
But I didn't know what I could do and how I could create a career around it.
My nights and days were spent in despair.
I had my good days too.
I corrected a lot of things in me.
I learnt to appreciate myself more.
I learnt to accept my limitations and laziness.
I understood more of the world.
I understood the fallacy of thought.
There was occasional insight after reading some powerful texts.
I worked very hard to prove that I was not useless.
That is what takes a toll on most people.
We have these fancy jobs and titles and that makes us feel better about ourselves.
The lack of job and title can dent a person's identity.
It can seriously dent your self esteem and confidence.
You're afraid to face the world.
When you meet a working person, no matter what work they do, you feel inferior. You feel worthless.
I have felt that when I used to see my domestic help. I used to feel that see - she works so hard to feed her family. I'm not earning anything. These thoughts were eating into me every day.
In my jealousy I used to feel - so many average people also have jobs. What's wrong with me? Why can't I hold on to a job? Why do I have to be so finicky? I would not settle for anything less. Sometimes I wished that I had the capacity to take life a little easily, lightly.
A lot of people appear as if they have it all sorted, as if they know everything. Sometimes such people can frighten you. You feel that you are very unsorted. You feel lost. But then the moment the first deck falls off their neatly arranged stack, they are in the same place as you. You, for a change have been all covered with confusion but you still know a thing or two about life. But externally you're a mess and externally many are all decked. You feel so vulnerable.
I seemed to be made of some wrong materials which never let me be in peace.
Slowly I became a little peaceful. It was a long journey - of self love and self acceptance.
All of this came flooding. I had tears.
Somehow I started to feel that I was beginning to find my way.
All the studies had led me to a course, which was good for me.
If I manage to get through, maybe it will change the course of my life.
I felt a little hopeful. I know that there will be heartbreaks and aches and lots.
I don't know if this venture will succeed. What kind of future does the course behold?
Why does it seem that life is easy for some and complicated for few others?
Can we ever be sure of anything in life?
You just need to give it your best shot. If we know for sure that something will fail, how many of us would still go ahead and do it?
I don't know but I will give it my best shot.. as usual.
Due to god's grace I cleared the entrance test. It was quite difficult.
My brain stopped working almost and I froze.
All my preparation and knowledge went out the window.
I was not sure if I would clear the paper. Luckily god shined some grace.
I got through. My interview was also ok. I don't know how much they could get in 3-4 minutes but I'd like to believe that I have a good chance now.
When all this frenzy was over and I came back to the hotel, I cried uncontrollably.
I thought of all the darkness and despair that had surrounded me (rather I had allowed to be surrounded by) the last 3 years.
I quit my job; I could no longer continue such types of jobs.
Despite all my attempts, my IVF failed.
So, what was I sitting at home and doing?
It was a bad phase. I was mid thirties. Jobless. No hopes.
Obviously I did not want to wake up in the mornings.
But despite that, I proceeded to find what was it that interested me, that I may be good at.
I read a lot of philosophy, psychology and slowly neuroscience also.
I read about child education.
I read about art and artists.
I read many things that came my way.
I had to improve myself. I had to find some skill, some career.
I figured that Philosophy, psychology and neuroscience was a deadly combination.
A lethal weapon to understand the mind.
But I didn't know what I could do and how I could create a career around it.
My nights and days were spent in despair.
I had my good days too.
I corrected a lot of things in me.
I learnt to appreciate myself more.
I learnt to accept my limitations and laziness.
I understood more of the world.
I understood the fallacy of thought.
There was occasional insight after reading some powerful texts.
I worked very hard to prove that I was not useless.
That is what takes a toll on most people.
We have these fancy jobs and titles and that makes us feel better about ourselves.
The lack of job and title can dent a person's identity.
It can seriously dent your self esteem and confidence.
You're afraid to face the world.
When you meet a working person, no matter what work they do, you feel inferior. You feel worthless.
I have felt that when I used to see my domestic help. I used to feel that see - she works so hard to feed her family. I'm not earning anything. These thoughts were eating into me every day.
In my jealousy I used to feel - so many average people also have jobs. What's wrong with me? Why can't I hold on to a job? Why do I have to be so finicky? I would not settle for anything less. Sometimes I wished that I had the capacity to take life a little easily, lightly.
A lot of people appear as if they have it all sorted, as if they know everything. Sometimes such people can frighten you. You feel that you are very unsorted. You feel lost. But then the moment the first deck falls off their neatly arranged stack, they are in the same place as you. You, for a change have been all covered with confusion but you still know a thing or two about life. But externally you're a mess and externally many are all decked. You feel so vulnerable.
I seemed to be made of some wrong materials which never let me be in peace.
Slowly I became a little peaceful. It was a long journey - of self love and self acceptance.
All of this came flooding. I had tears.
Somehow I started to feel that I was beginning to find my way.
All the studies had led me to a course, which was good for me.
If I manage to get through, maybe it will change the course of my life.
I felt a little hopeful. I know that there will be heartbreaks and aches and lots.
I don't know if this venture will succeed. What kind of future does the course behold?
Why does it seem that life is easy for some and complicated for few others?
Can we ever be sure of anything in life?
You just need to give it your best shot. If we know for sure that something will fail, how many of us would still go ahead and do it?
I don't know but I will give it my best shot.. as usual.
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