This life is bad

This life is bad.
Many many mornings I wake up this way.
Feeling, life is just too unfair.
Some of the simplest things in life, have been denied to me.
And I have been a very hard working and conscientious person.
I have been dealt such a bad card in life.
Some simple pleasures denied.
There is truly no impetus to continue.
This life,...is bad,, bad ..bad..
I cant even tell anyone.
People always say 'be grateful. XYZ ke saath yeh huwa. ABC ko yeh huwa.
You have a family. You have this. you have that. Celebrate life. Be grateful.'.

I do have perspective. I am not blind.
But, where I am, feels bad. I am STUCK.
I am trying and trying. No luck.
Somewhere I shud have had some luck.

There is no enthu to participate.
I do try to cheer up and do things.
But joy evades me.
Peace, yes I have.
But no joy.

I try this and that. In an attempt to feel alive.
And in those outings I find a few addictions. A good movie/ series / book kindles that warmth in the heart. Makes me long. Makes me wish. And for days and months I warm myself in that addictive, illusory hearth. Living a life of fantasies, entirely in my head.

And then, regret catches up. And I try hard again to study something. Write something.
And I have no direction.  Broadly I feel I shud work towards becoming a writer.
I do read and research.

People scold me for lack of discipline and consistency.
But I don't think those are issues.
The conditions are unfavourable.
If someone's life condition is forever unfavourable, it's tough.
Sometimes you need some stroke of luck. You cannot be swimmimng upstream always.

When I see simple things like, so much hairfall, the possibility of going bald.
the way my body behaves (I've been trying to be disciplined with food) but not much help from inside...It's difficult to find clothes to wear. The simplest joys of being able to wear a nice dress, look nice are taken away from me.

The simple joy of looking in the mirror and feeling beautiful.
The simple joy of feeling your body agile and fit and strong.
The simple joy of doing some work that brings in money and compliments.
The simple joy of loving every contour of your body.
The simple joy of romance; sex; intimacy; orgasm.
The simple joy of beholding a baby.

I ask god for help. Everyday.
Some signs. Some whispering in the ear.
Some good news. Some progress somewhere.

For years.
No response.
Most often I feel, I have reached a point of no return.
I do not see anything bright, worth living for.
I feel cursed. Bad curse.
I feel I can never be happy ever.
I can never feel satisfied with such bad cards.

I feel it's time to call it quits. Hope for better cards in the next reincarnation.
A better behaved body. So that I can dress up, Look nice.
A disciplined mind.
Clarity and confidence from a young age.
Well formed habits.
Courage, consistency, rigour, right attitude - all pillars for success.
I want to live like a queen.

I think it's time to call it quits. I hope he takes me away quickly without pain.
I see no hope. I am just being a burden on the planet.
No amount of spiritual reading, mental consolation, positive thinking can take away from the fact that deep inside I feel cursed. Doomed. Stuck.
I see no hope ever. Of things changing. Of better days.

It's better to hit the restart button.